Dwarven Andrew

[Miles C]

Name: Dwarven Andrew

General Information
Species: Neplesian
Gender: Male
Age: 24

Family (or Creators): Father: Mike (dead), Mother: Sally (dead), Stepfather: Dwarven Carlyan

Employer: Empire of Neplesia
Occupation: Marine Pilot
Rank: (I’m new and I don’t know what to put here and in current assignment)
Current Assignment:
Physical Characteristics
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 203 lb

Build and Skin Color: Muscular, tan skin
Facial Features and Eye Color: Strong face lines, shaves only on special occasions, left eye grey
Hair color and Style: Coal black hair cut short, military style

Distinguishing Features: Cybernetic right eye that is not enhanced. Both arms complete Cybernetic with flesh and skin imitations. Right arm is a bit of better quality than the left one. All Cybernetics are bought in the Roger Wilco City.

Psychological Characteristics

Personality: Very lonely person, has learned to not trust a single person. Very moralic and disciplined in the army. All the soldiers like him because he’s able to repair any pistol, rifle or mechanism. But after all his experiences he has very few friends. He tries to get away from his criminal past. Still he sometimes behaves like a criminal, hiding everything, even when not guilty. In the army he discovered his passion for mech’s and he seems to be more interested in machines than in people.

Likes: Machinery and mechanics, open people, good discipline, a good bottle of beer and he loves his customized rifle.
Dislikes: Crime (even if he was almost a crimelord).
Goals: Dreams to one day command a whole squadron of mech’s.

History
Dwarven Andrew was born on the streets of an Neplesian megalopolis, and he was raised by the streets. The place was very criminal active, and Andrew does not remember his parents. A head of a small crime family, Dwarven Carlyan, raised him. From him he got the information that his parents died in a street fight with police forces. Andrew had to work for the family very young. He maybe even repleaced the head of the family did not a jealous criminal teached him a lesson by hacking off his right arm. Dwarven Carlyan quickly bought one of the best Cybernetic prostethics for his “son”. However, when Andrew found out who the envious criminal was he waited a good moment and killed him by surprise, as he was making love with a whore. After that he quickly left his stepfather and criminal waters. The family doesn’t know who killed the criminal or where Andrew is today.
He took Dwarvens name for his last name and registred himself in a factory for producing ammunition and vehicles. He got an acceptable pay and learned much about mechanics and vehicles. He maybe even got a good position in that factory was not it for an accident when he lost his other natural arm and his right eye. The corporation gave him a bit insurance money, but he had to leave the factory without an arm. For the money he gathered until then, he bought himself an cybernetic arm and a right eye. With the rest of the money he could only get himself a job in the army, at the age of 21.

Skills:

Fighting and Physical: The streets of Neplesia are rough and Andrew is in a prefect physical condition and knows many kinds of fighting. He always knew how to get his head out of street fights in one piece, so he is better at defensive fighting skills.

Survival: Basic training that Andrew recived in the army was only extra info on how to survive hostile places, just as the streets of Neplesia.
Rouge: Working for a criminal family made Andrew a perfect pickpocket, liar, lockpicker and any other criminal operation. But Andrew turns the back to his past when he left the family. Today he uses his skills rarely, and he forgot some.

Maintance and Repair: Working in a Factory almost five years makes one to a partial good mechanic. Andrew has almost a passion in repairing things.

Vehicles and Pilot: His basic knowledge about vehicles got Andrew from his work in a Factory. He took extra courses in the army and learned even more. He adores and loves mechs, and he is a perfect mech pilot.

Communications: Andrew got his fingers on communications in the army. Besides that, he already knew how to talk to and convince people, from his criminal past. Nevertheless, he is still more interested in repairing communication arrays.

OOC Notes

This is my first time in creating a character. This is even my first roleplay, but I got the basics. I would like to know wath youre thinking of this caracter. Please put any sugestions and say what to put in rank and current assignemt. In addition, can someone tell me where to put this character to someone accept it so that I can begin with RP?
Thanks in advance.

[Doshii Jun]

Alright, let's see what we got.

1. That he has a stepfather is very interesting ... personally, I'd rather see him alive than dead, but I don't think you'd get much interaction with him. Still, it'd make for some interesting drama. It's a dynamic that's yet to be explored here. Then again, the stepfather is a criminal, so, eh.

2. Holy Jesus. He's one skinny-ass tall dude.

3. So he has heterochromatic eyes, ala David Bowie? Why is that?

4. Almost completely black hair? Why not entirely black?

5. The cybernetics are something you're going to have to detail for us. We need to know what they do. In case you want to buy parts with some details already fleshed out in them, go here. I see that the stepfather is the one who purchased said cybernetics; just don't forget Batou's Golden Rule (a cyber arm might have a lot of power, but the fleshy part it's attached to might not).

6. Let's talk personality some. He's an armorer, or so it sounds, and though he's appreciated by soldiers, he doesn't return the lurve. That's good ... but the history suggests that he should be able to work well with people, considering he seemed to be getting oiled up to become a crime boss. Can he work well with people?

There's also the matter of that history. It's a bit much -- was this a small crime family, possibly an underling of the Blacks? We need to know this; if the stepfather is very high in the ranks, chances are your character would just be dead -- nevermind how we don't want to see history written, but roleplayed out.

Last, but most important -- your grammar needs work, man. I can't understand some of what you're trying to say because it's misspelled or put together wrong.

• What is a ratia?
  
• What age was Andrew taken in?
  
• " ... envious criminal was Dwarven's right hand, he killed both -- " Killed who? The right-hand man AND Dwarven? At 16, that's one impressive feat, and very unlikely. You'd better tell us how.
  
• If he's working in a factory, how is he getting good pay?
  
• This is Nepleslia -- if he lost his arm in the factory, insurance is probably not going to cover it. It's a convenient contrivence, but unlikely.
  
• Also: this dude's pretty unlucky.

7. SKILLS: The streets of [*]Nepleslia ARE rough, dear supposed street urchin, but you were busy working for a small crime family. If you're going to have the Trifecta of Awesomeness (Fighting, Survival, Rogue) you need to tell us what he did for the crime family to earn those skills.

It should be noted that, with those skills, your guy's not going to be terribly book smart.

8. In your skills: You use "perfect" and "almost perfect" a lot. Don't. He's 24; he's not perfect at anything yet -- unless you want to narrow things down. In fact, let's do just that.

• You need to choose whether to be a pilot or a mechanic. You don't get to be both.
  
• If he turned his back on the Rogue skills, you need to tell us when. If it's been a while, the higher ends of those skills will be rusty.
  
• Working in a factory for eight years doesn't make one into a perfect mechanic -- unless he was doing fleet maintenance there on factory vehicles or something. Specifics will help here.
  
• Drop strategy. Just drop it. Trust me, he hasn't got that skill yet. That one should develop in the setting.
  
• Just a note on "perfect English:" no one on this site can use perfect English, and that includes you. That your character can use "perfect English" is a claim you won't be able to live up to in the RP, so I'd take it out.

HOKAY! So, in sum -- DETAILS. You're going for a character that, while he doesn't sound overpowered, per se, he sounds special. We frown upon special here -- we want a character to become special through the roleplay. If you keep that idea in mind, you'll do fine.

Tom is your GM for Nepleslia. He will be giving final approval on this character. Good work!

[Miles C]

uff, thats a bunch of info you gave me, but eye, thanks a lot. I'll do the editing right away if i get the time. look at it again whens done.
Thanks again!

[Miles C]

Ok updated the character by the sugestions. Tell me freely if there is more. Now i've got to find that Tom guy...

[Tom]

I'll get on it right after work. Sit tight.

[Wes]

In the meantime, there's still a ton of grammatical errors to proofread.

[Miles C]

Hey the forum has a bit of problems but i can get trough sometimes. I will edit grammar problems offline and I will pos the edit as soon as i can.
Hope you guys repair this forum, good luck!

[SUBLIMEinal]

Teh hurrying with the grammars please!

We need more marines for the Kestrel, and anyone not on the Alliance is in.

[Rune]