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Faction: Suu
FM Approved Yet? (Yes/No; Who, When) New faction so yes I guess
Faction requires art? (Yes/No) yes
For Reviewers:
Contains Unapproved Sub-Articles? (Yes/No) yes
Contains New art? (Yes/No) no
Previously Submitted? (Yes/No; explain reason if rejected) yes, because there was still work to do and I had no time at that point to work on it.
Notes: Sorry there is no art, I have no money for that stuff yet but soon will have.
I'm sorry for the delay, and do point out that if I'm too slow, it's perfectly acceptable for you to ask for another reviewer. Moving on though, the issue that stands out the most to me so far in the main article would be the anatomy. I notice that there's both an endoskeleton and an exoskeleton; the first is basically having muscles attach to the outside of the skeleton, while the second is having the skeleton form a hollow shell where the muscles attack onto the inner surface. Unless you're specifically aiming for a lot of redundancy, I would suggest picking one or another, since having both could potentially be cumbersome and heavy.
The second issue that I see is that the grammar could use a lot of work.
They only use weapons in defence but that is not needed on their planet anymore as the surface animals have been tamed by the Suu, used for farming as the Suu are vegetarian, believing that each animal is from one Great Spirit beast.
With this example, you can have several proper sentences rather than a singular run-on sentence. Keep in mind I do not intend to talk down to you, but instead intend to be as clear as possible: I recommend reading the article out loud as I do from time to time, and remember that if there is no punctuation used, you keep going, non-stop. Only things like commas, semi-colons and periods for an example, indicate any form of brief pause or stop. Besides that, I also suggest taking some of the smaller sections of the article and merging them with the appropriate section, since they just don't have enough materials to be a stand-alone. The mandibles could go into the head section for an example.
I'll try and post again to see what else I can find, but do tell me what you plan to, will, or won't change in the mean time.
If you have trouble with something, make sure to let me know so I can explain myself better. Though, after what you just said, I became suspicious and double checked insect anatomy and found out that your article is actually correct - it's what I get for being pounded by class. Rather than having different names, they do have their exoskeleton labeled with things such as 'femur' and 'tibia'. Sorry about that. Moving on though, are the Behimoni and Wuuph ready for a look, or would you like them to be approved separately? I point out that the grammar still needs work, and could also use some capitalization here and there as well.
Perhaps more importantly though, how do you prefer the review to be done? Do you want every single potential issue up-front, or do you want to take it piece by piece like I've been trying to do so far?
Even with everything going on, this took a lot longer than I thought it would, and I'm quite sorry for keeping you waiting.
One thing that I'm having a hard time figuring out right now is how the Suu is shaped overall. There's mention of its abdomen being at a 90 degree angle in relation to the torso, but does that mean it's jutting out from under it like with a Mantis, or is the abdomen supporting it like a Citadel Keeper? There's also the head as well; there's mention that it's elongated and curved back, but aside from bug eyes, antennae and a pair of mandibles (which I'm guessing are side to side moving ones like an ant's maybe) there's not much else to go on. I'm simply not able to visualize it very well at all. More detail on how it looks would help a lot, especially if it doesn't have any similar insect to compare it to.
Biologically, I also suggest not using an open circulatory system. IIRC, they work fine for giant prehistoric bugs only because the atmosphere was far more oxygen rich at the time. Meanwhile, small insects and crustaceans get along fine with it simply because their small size means the inefficiency of it doesn't really become a problem; the square cubed law doesn't bother them. If you decide to stick with the open circulatory system though, I highly suggest that you also make it fact that they have to use atmospheric systems of some sort at all times when out of their native environment. It can be as simple as oxygen/oxy-equivalent supplementation, or an enclosed system. Your choice of course. With their reproduction, well, 'baby' just isn't the right word. I suggest nymph, hatchling and so forth. The same goes with 'woman' too; 'female' is more fitting. You can also drastically reduce their time to maturity too; insects are typically ready to go on hatching, and if they're the type to go through metamorphosis, it usually happens immediately once they bulk up enough calories and nutrients. They're not human, so you might as well emphasize that, as well as take advantage of this I believe.
Moving on to the Behimoni, the fact that they're mystery ships may be a problem. Is this to be central to a plot, or was this meant to simply cut off some of your work load? It's ok if it's the latter. The reason why it could be an issue is that it can be used to meta-game in the future by quickly making claims as to who or what produced them and using that to your own ends. There's also the issue of 'Bonding'; not a lot of info is there for something that appears to be extremely important. Is it an imprinting like with baby chicks, or is it a melding of two people perhaps? A synchronization where the two become a match for one another? There's also the issue of how large a Behimoni can get as well. They're living ships, but just how big can they get? Is it typically something below 200 meters like a frigate/destroyer, or can the go all the way up to being 20km in length like a Super Star Destroyer? There's also the issue of weapon systems; since these are living ships, do those grow out as part of them like a creature would have claws, ears and eyes? The same goes for their 'robots' as well; are these the equivalent of a body's 'cells'? How mechanical or biological are these things? What do they look like?
Next, with the Wruuph, I notice there's problems that are the result of copy-paste from the Suu. There's some parts that haven't been changed, so for the first sentence there for an example, the sentence comes off as saying that it's the Suu who are the violent warrior caste or the like. The very same occurs regarding the Wruuph and their physical appearance; it jumps right to the Suu. I can't help it, but I gotta ask, are the Suu involved in the Wruuph's sex life? Snatching up their females? That's too kinky for me, and that's coming from a guy who likes tentacles. I've said this before, but your grammar and such needs more work. It's very important for this reason; you don't want the entire meaning of a sentence to change because of one misplaced word. Refocusing on their appearance though, I also notice that their heads are also curved or swept back. But in what manner? Do they get wider, or stay narrow or? More detail, please. And after giving those examples, you can then compare to actual insects.
It's typically bad to just outright say they may look like one IRL thing or another, but making the explanation, then making the appearance is acceptable.
Now, I likely missed some things and need to read it over again, but for now, those are the things I've noticed. This following bit is the notes that I jotted down as I went through it, so you may be able to use it as a TL;DR if you need to:
- Grammar
- Appearance: what's it shaped like overall? Hard to picture. The head, how is it shaped and curved back? Does the abdomen project outwards, or is it like a platform the rest of it is on top of or something?
- Open circulatory system
- Baby. development time
- Behimoni mystery living ships
- Bonding: what is it?
- Behimoni size
- They have robots?! Needs a lot more detail on those, including weapon systems
- Writing of first sentence makes it look like the Suu are the violent ones, not the Wruuph
- Copy pasta includes how the Wruuph aren't attractive, and says Suu uses pheramones
- "Elongated heads that curve back" again
@CadetNewb and @Doshii Jun um I have worked out some of the problems, the reason that the Wruuph are copy-pasted was that it was easier to get all the information as they had similar body structure, the Dakalar (Suu's new name) is more ant-like and Wruuph are more mantis-like.
The Dakalar use biological weaponry, created from the various creatures of the planet, they use Biotech to for all their technologies. (Needs explaining in the article)
On the Wruuph page in the two bottom sections, it is copy pasted from the Dakalar article.
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