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Approved Submission [Advancer] Iron Bone Enhancement

Firebrand

Firebrand

Inactive Member
Submission URL
https://stararmy.com/wiki/doku.php?id=corp:advancer:muscular-skeletal_reinforcement
Submission Faction(s)
  1. Yamatai (except Elysia)
  2. Nepleslia
Submission Terms
  1. I agree
Upvote 0 Downvote
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FM approved for Yamatai (although this seems like something Nepleslian cybernetic dudes would like mainly).

Please fix the header nesting.
 
Well, the only reason Advancer Isn't in Nepleslia is because Kampfer BANNED me from touching anything in Nepleslia techwise, so Advancer had to move to Yamatai because Nepleslia wasn't allowed to have good things.
 
Okay I'll take this, I'll do an in depth tomorrow, but just at a glance, this should be marked as independent as well, because it's being fielded by an independent company. It is marked as Nepleslian though, so do you want it being something that is fielded through their government? (like a medical package they offer to soldiers) if so we'll need a Nepleslian FM. I'm not really sure if Kampfer's ban still applies since they aren't here.

Another thing, you have the article in the finished URL, please move it to the WIP url.

As mentioned, tomorrow I'll do a more detailed look over it

------------------------------------

Okay I went through and did a better read. Your biggest problem with this article is organizational, things just aren't organized in a way that makes it easy for the reader to find information they're looking for.
  • The paragraph under the main header is supposed to be a summary of the product from an end user stand point. You've used this as a description of how it works so it feels like you just describe how the product works twice to the user.
  • While there are a few things listed (lifting increase, and over all weight gain) there should be a section dedicated to explaining the end result of the operation (the pros and cons). This is so someone can just glance at the article and decide if it's something that benefits their character or not
  • There should also be a section dedicated to maintenance, similar reason to above.
  • How long does it take for the body to fully transform?
  • Also since the nanites are injected and only the hive is surgically installed, does that make it possible to just get the injection? If so how much time do you have till the injection wears off?
 
Last edited:
Okay this looks good after going through grammar fixes.


[ ✅ ] 1. The destination URL should be a page in the appropriate namespace and titled lower_case_with_underscores
[ ✅ ] 2. The article is in the appropriate format and article template
[ ✅ ] 3. The article follows our wiki style guidelines, including: No forced line breaks, text after each section header, etc.
[ ✅ ] 4. The article is easily read and free of errors in spelling and grammar
[ ✅ ] 5. Links to other wiki articles are present as appropriate and are not broken
[ ✅ ] 6. The article fits into the Star Army universe's space opera theme and technology levels
[ ✅ ] 7. Images in the article are hosted on Star Army's wiki and sourced responsibly (contact Wes privately if there's a concern)
[ ✅ ] 8. The article is original and doesn't contain copy-pasted content from other articles.
[ ✅ ] 9. The article complies with Star Army's rules in terms of damage ratings, speed limits, etc.
[ ✅ ] 10. The Faction Manager(s), if applicable, have posted approval for this article in this thread.

We'll stamp this as APPROVED
 
RPG-D RPGfix
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