Wolfe Whitehorn
Member
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... er_ormaund
Character Entry for the NSMC. Let's roll the review. n.n
Character Entry for the NSMC. Let's roll the review. n.n
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Approved Character Amber Ormaund, Nepleslian, Marine, Awaiting Review.
- Thread starter Wolfe Whitehorn
- Start date
Sigma
Inactive Member
I don't quite understand what you're trying to drive at here. Women have been part of the SMDIoN and Greens for a long time. Not quite as frequent until recently but certainly visibly present. I name Suku "The Terrible" Matsobuki as the most well-known example.
Also, this is a wiki entry. It should be done in a 3rd person, formal style. "Hell if she would have died..." and "No, instead as she began..." are not proper to the wiki.
I also need to ask what you are trying to gain by the following, "being a playtoy to the doctors." Or "without social reform expecting her to lay back and bear children." I don't recall any government initiatives to increase baby production or force women into a domestic role.
(and all other PA related skills) has long since been rolled into Fighting. See herefor a list of Skills.
Choose a weapon.
Lastly, 4th Fleet is closed in an attempt to shunt Nepleslian players towards creating Navy characters for 1 SOAR. If MoonMan has a spot open for you, great. But I am not looking to add more Marines to my roster unless no one else is willing to pick up the character.
Wolfe Whitehorn
Member
Alright, fair enough I can see some of my mistakes in my choice of words, also to be fair I was doing this coming off of an extremely hectic night at work. But there was no way to be sure if it would be accepted before pushing it out to be seen.
The playtoy to the doctors was more of an initiative of my own ideals, not of attempted societal or governmental reform, but of a mother trying to raise three children when she feels she barely has enough to get by, and thus entering her child into experimental procedures, as seen in modern day cases of some patients in experimental gene and drug therapy for cosmetic and medical breakthroughs. In this case though, it was the daughter who was pushed in, and not the mother herself.
The "without social reform expecting her to lay back and bear children." wasn't intended to be written to that extent, that was a drowsy collection of a thought and ideal written out, I meant more along the lines of what the people of her home expected of women, not to say that all areas in Nepleslia expect women to just be housewives, but say instead of in my local area where equality shows more between men in women in the armed forces and society in general, as compared to my birthplace, North Platte, where women are more often treated and groomed as housewives instead of say an industrial worker. I view the choice as more of an aesthetic and personal background choice, not a reflection of society as a whole.
As to the specialty skill I had listed, that came about as me using both articles that had mentioned skills in the NSMC, instead of just the main article. Most of my skills were in fact chosen from the main list. I will amend that shortly.
As to the last part of the article, thank you for pointing that out to me, I probably would have seen it when I came back and reviewed my article, it's just another piece to add to my sleep-deprived hysteria.
*Goes to amend profile to suit needs, pending further commentary.*
Alright, I feel I've addressed a fair bit of the problems, and await further review.
The playtoy to the doctors was more of an initiative of my own ideals, not of attempted societal or governmental reform, but of a mother trying to raise three children when she feels she barely has enough to get by, and thus entering her child into experimental procedures, as seen in modern day cases of some patients in experimental gene and drug therapy for cosmetic and medical breakthroughs. In this case though, it was the daughter who was pushed in, and not the mother herself.
The "without social reform expecting her to lay back and bear children." wasn't intended to be written to that extent, that was a drowsy collection of a thought and ideal written out, I meant more along the lines of what the people of her home expected of women, not to say that all areas in Nepleslia expect women to just be housewives, but say instead of in my local area where equality shows more between men in women in the armed forces and society in general, as compared to my birthplace, North Platte, where women are more often treated and groomed as housewives instead of say an industrial worker. I view the choice as more of an aesthetic and personal background choice, not a reflection of society as a whole.
As to the specialty skill I had listed, that came about as me using both articles that had mentioned skills in the NSMC, instead of just the main article. Most of my skills were in fact chosen from the main list. I will amend that shortly.
As to the last part of the article, thank you for pointing that out to me, I probably would have seen it when I came back and reviewed my article, it's just another piece to add to my sleep-deprived hysteria.
*Goes to amend profile to suit needs, pending further commentary.*
Alright, I feel I've addressed a fair bit of the problems, and await further review.
1. How did you generate the character image?
2. In Characteristics, facial features: Her lips are "permanently stained a soft rose color." Is that to say she naturally has rose-colored lips, or are they always painted that way?
3. Minor grammar hangup in Personality: "Her father being a soldier instilled a deep sense of pride and eventually a seek to dominate the things that tried to control her."
4. In Family: What does "maiden" mean in this context? Mother? Virgin?
5. In History:
a. " ... siblings and a white picket fence, alright, so I'm joking about the fence." Please remove this and be clear. Remember that this profile's for other players as well as you, and we need to keep it straight-laced.
b. Grammar bit: "family down on its luck"
c. I'm thinking that I missed this: what was the actual procedure of the doctors and what did it do? The profile is not the place for hiding secrets.
d. "though thankfully she never met the darker side of things this way." What does that mean?
Overall: Looks like a mighty fine character to me. The edits are mostly clarifications so we don't leave anyone guessing.
This character is pending.
2. In Characteristics, facial features: Her lips are "permanently stained a soft rose color." Is that to say she naturally has rose-colored lips, or are they always painted that way?
3. Minor grammar hangup in Personality: "Her father being a soldier instilled a deep sense of pride and eventually a seek to dominate the things that tried to control her."
4. In Family: What does "maiden" mean in this context? Mother? Virgin?
5. In History:
a. " ... siblings and a white picket fence, alright, so I'm joking about the fence." Please remove this and be clear. Remember that this profile's for other players as well as you, and we need to keep it straight-laced.
b. Grammar bit: "family down on its luck"
c. I'm thinking that I missed this: what was the actual procedure of the doctors and what did it do? The profile is not the place for hiding secrets.
d. "though thankfully she never met the darker side of things this way." What does that mean?
Overall: Looks like a mighty fine character to me. The edits are mostly clarifications so we don't leave anyone guessing.
This character is pending.
Wolfe Whitehorn
Member
Replying to questions in the order they were given to me.
1: I generated the character image utilizing Daz3D, using models and materials that I own and have full rights, as given by the site, program EULA, and individual authors to use in any commercial, personal, and common-use format.
2: Naturally tinted, will re-word.
3: Small error, fixed.
4: Maiden refers to Maiden Name, meaning the character is married and utilizing a different name than her origin.
5:
a. Snipped and fixed.
b. Thank you for pointing that out to me
c. Basically just clinical experiments, nothing that will have any future effect on the character or her story.
d. Will remove, was really just part of a darker thought process I decided to exorcize from her character story.
1: I generated the character image utilizing Daz3D, using models and materials that I own and have full rights, as given by the site, program EULA, and individual authors to use in any commercial, personal, and common-use format.
2: Naturally tinted, will re-word.
3: Small error, fixed.
4: Maiden refers to Maiden Name, meaning the character is married and utilizing a different name than her origin.
5:
a. Snipped and fixed.
b. Thank you for pointing that out to me
c. Basically just clinical experiments, nothing that will have any future effect on the character or her story.
d. Will remove, was really just part of a darker thought process I decided to exorcize from her character story.
Wolfe Whitehorn
Member
There shouldn't be room left for conjecture as it's something that's going to have no effect, besides a slight phobia of doctors, on her character and the procedures would have been something that she didn't quite understand at the young age she was when it all was happening. I'm not going to be turning around and going 'and the medical trials gave me this ability' and 'science makes me do this'. The effects of the procedures were mainly on her eyes, which she doesn't even have anymore, having replaced them with cybernetics.
EDIT: Also, if PG-13 why sixteen to enter the site? Character is not being made out as any less innocent than half of the Nekovalkyrja are implied to be, nor is there any deep detail into her view of things past the bedroom doors.
EDIT: Also, if PG-13 why sixteen to enter the site? Character is not being made out as any less innocent than half of the Nekovalkyrja are implied to be, nor is there any deep detail into her view of things past the bedroom doors.
The eyes are fine. I can live with not knowing what the doctors did to her now that you're on record saying it's not going to come up, other than to have the effect of "I <3 stabbing doctors/Suku."
PG-13 is what Wes wants it as. To provide a technical reason, I think the wiki is searchable by Google on a level our forums are not, so we try and keep things extra clean there in order to not violate Google's TOS (which we skirt enough as it is in the actual forums).
PG-13 is what Wes wants it as. To provide a technical reason, I think the wiki is searchable by Google on a level our forums are not, so we try and keep things extra clean there in order to not violate Google's TOS (which we skirt enough as it is in the actual forums).
This character is approved for IC usage.
