Approved Submission [Business] Koga's Palace

Ametheliana

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#1
Submission Type: Business Subsidiary
Template Used: Business template
Submission WIP URL: https://stararmy.com/wiki/doku.php?id=wip:corp:akemis_umbrella:kogas_palace
Submission Destination URL: https://stararmy.com/wiki/doku.php?id=corp:akemis_umbrella:kogas_palace
Faction: Independent
FM Approved Yet? No
Faction requires art? No

For Reviewers:
Contains Unapproved Sub-Articles? No
Contains New art? No
Previously Submitted? No

Notes:
This was @raz's idea from when we first adopted Akemi.

[EDIT] NAME CHANGE took out the "hut"
 
Last edited:

club24

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#2
sees more akemi stuff, takes a peek

Family friendly, now that's unexpected XD, nice idea tho it's certainly unique and looks like you're trying to beef up the wiki on all the Akemi stuff which can only be a good thing ^^
 
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Ametheliana

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#3
Thanks, club!

I took out the last two sections about projects because a fast food chain within a conglomerate isn't the one making products and projects if you know what I mean.
 

club24

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#4
ye sounds fair enough, since it comes from suppliers which i know all too well since my job could dissapear because of over priced suppliers soon

EDIT: just realised i'm sort of qualified to look this through thoroughly since i work at a similar place XD
 

club24

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#6
alrightly, Ameme has asked me to help her with getting these articles done and, yes I'm not an official reviewer so all that I say in these threads is merely suggestion based on the guidelines I've experienced and my thoughts and interpretations, I can't actually approve them.

1. Akemi Hut Jr., "an Usoda" im not well versed in Akemi products so I assume Usoda is pronounced oo-soda to make the "an" viable in this situation

2. More About Akemi Hut Jr., first paragraph, "business fast food chain" just my personal thoughts here but "fast food business chain" reads better ^^

3. More About Akemi Hut Jr., second paragraph, "The reality of the situation that the word “family” was in Koga Akemi's repertoire." insert an is, between situation and that, alternatively remove that and place a comma after situation to help read better. Place an "already" between was and in.

Please link YE 40 to satisfy my link OCD and I think there is something about linking in guidelines?

4. More About Akemi Hut Jr., forth paragraph, "Thank goodness for Nekovalkyrja stamina. Akemi has recently taken up more body weight exercises to become stronger than Uso Tasuki, which he will do within the year according to estimates." this text seems slightly unrelated to the particular article and rather is more centered on Akemi himself.

"The company has a lot of PR put into it" this could use a "had" between has and a to read in past tense, im not sure what the ruling on wiki is for tense but i know on the site past is preferred and to me at least, wiki articles are a past tense documentation of something that now exists in the setting, considering if someone were to read the article a month later present tense can be iffy at times.

5. Watamote, this section is extra when compared to the Business template, and could probably be renamed to "Mascot" with description below, this section could also include part of the paragraph above it where it mentions families playing with the mascot. For example,

"Mascot"
"The official mascot of Akemi Hut Jr. is Watamote, a very weary-looking, almost humanoid, egg with a pink yolk and perpetual blush who is often displayed in advertising material playing with various families of race and creed."

6. General Information, please include some text below the heading and before the table

7. Facilities, please use correct and full spelling of though, alternatively remove it and replace the comma with a period/full-stop.

FINAL COMMENTS
Overall this fast food chain meets the criteria standards I'm used to as I work in the industry IRL, it has an overall name and idea with different themes based on location which is an important part in attracting customers as any marketing analyst will tell you.

The menu provided caters to its intended customers, being children primarily from the naming and will not leave adults eating three meals just to fill up at the same time.

The structure of management described is also more or less a simplified version of how these chains operate, regional managers are a large part of it. It could be expanded out to include restaurant managers and regional administrators but it doesn't need it to be a complete article in my view.
 
Likes: Ametheliana

Ametheliana

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#7
B L E S S

It is late for me so I can't change anything rn, but I will tomorrow. I read it all the way and have no qualms!
 
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META_mahn

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#8
Pre-checklist check:
  • Watamote subsection is a bit short, could probably be removed and content put after the mention of Watamote in the previous paragraph.
  • Facilities: "There are currently...no more are slated to be built this YE, tho-" [The section cuts here.]
Everything else is fine at first glance. Will perform checklist after Facilities is fixed.
 
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Ametheliana

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#9
Thanks. I don't think I can do anything about it today but maybe tonight/tomorrow I'll be able to.

It means a lot trying to me that others are trying to get this done.
 

META_mahn

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#10
Yeah, I told you I'd do it eventually and now tonight I've decided to go on an NTSE speedrun. :p

Sadly I can't touch a few of the other subs in the general forum itself. Bias issues.
 

Ametheliana

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#11
I made some other changes such as the name, added to the Mascot section to make it worthwhile, and all of clubbo's proposed changes.

@META_mahn
 

Ametheliana

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#12
Changed some wording so that @Wes can think about FM approving if he wants.
 

Legix

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#15
Akemi needs to rename his pizza places to the Gal-Zones Calzone Emporium.

I'm not NTSE but make it so plz rn.
 

Wes

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#17
"independent" faction businesses are not allow to receive business licenses in the YSE. Businesses have to be based out of a real nation.

In order to set up shop in Yamatai the business has to be listed as Yamataian or Nepleslian, etc (not necessarily the case for a parent org).

This is due to a recent addition to the Yamatai:Economy article.
 

Rizzo

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#18
That can be handled easily by incorporating the chains as Koga's Palace of Yamatai and Koga's Palace of Nepleslia respectively. Go ahead and mention that in the article and I can approve it today. Everything elseis perfect.
 

Ametheliana

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#19
Changes made at the bottom of the intro paragraph and in the chart.

I also added some public domain art with credit that @Wes found.

Thanks @Rizzo
 
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