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New Character (Plot) (ISS Brimstone)Maxim Kalashnikov

Jack Pine

Staff Member
FM of S6
Game Master
Other then some areas needing filled out a bit more, and some easy grammar edits needed. This is looking to be coming along quite nicely.
 

Ametheliana

Sensei
Staff Member
Submissions Reviewer
FM of Nepleslia
FM of the Iromakuanhe
Game Master
I made a number of spelling, grammar, and link fixes. Please review these to make sure nothing is amiss.

There are a few things about that this strike me as not quite right.

YSS Charleston is a Yamataian starship. Do you mean NSS instead of YSS?

"...his second-in-command, the twins Arnold and Renold Cage..." Those twins would occupy two different occupations, not one. Perhaps they are his right hand men? Or second-in-command and, perhaps, head of engineering?

If he's not old enough, he's not old enough. Rule bending/breaking isn't really something I am looking to approve for Nepleslia for this character, especially since it is said he was accepted based on his family, but it sounds like his family left their military force on bad terms/ the Nepleslian military wasn't even formed when they served for them to have sway in it.

"...left to rot on the planet by the native scavengers..." were the twins native to this planet? The phrasing makes it sound like the native scavengers left him, when I think you mean he was left with them.

Please use the appropriate skill areas, found here.

He should 6000 DA, not KS.
 

Alexstraizer

Active Member
I made a number of spelling, grammar, and link fixes. Please review these to make sure nothing is amiss.

There are a few things about that this strike me as not quite right.

YSS Charleston is a Yamataian starship. Do you mean NSS instead of YSS?

"...his second-in-command, the twins Arnold and Renold Cage..." Those twins would occupy two different occupations, not one. Perhaps they are his right hand men? Or second-in-command and, perhaps, head of engineering?

If he's not old enough, he's not old enough. Rule bending/breaking isn't really something I am looking to approve for Nepleslia for this character, especially since it is said he was accepted based on his family, but it sounds like his family left their military force on bad terms/ the Nepleslian military wasn't even formed when they served for them to have sway in it.

"...left to rot on the planet by the native scavengers..." were the twins native to this planet? The phrasing makes it sound like the native scavengers left him, when I think you mean he was left with them.

Please use the appropriate skill areas, found here.

He should 6000 DA, not KS.
Done,Done,and Done.
Just one more fix to go.
 

SirSkully

FM of S6
Game Master
For some reason I had a notification pop up that your post just now had mentioned me, @Jack Pine which is bizarre
(I won't say anything more on the matter, do not wish to derail this thread but I found this amusing)

Very Nepleslian name btw, love the combination of firearm-related words
 
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