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Approved Submission [Nepleslia] NAM Terratech Breakthrough Armor (Cyclops)

Charmaylarg Dufrain

Charmaylarg Dufrain

🎖️ Game Master
Submission URL
https://stararmy.com/wiki/doku.php?id=faction:nepleslia:equipment:cyclops
List Any Unapproved Sub-Articles

NAM Aether Battery on Star Army Space Roleplay

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Problem Solver on Star Army Space Roleplay

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Submission Faction(s)
  1. Nepleslia
Submission Terms
  1. I agree
@Legix for FM stamp.

New, ID-SOL exclusive power armor that utilizes their strengths and enhances their combat abilities as close quarters juggernauts.
 
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Thanks! I'm hoping to models like that from scratch someday instead of kitbashing like DoGa and Mq4 and what not.

Rendering in blender just makes it look 100x better than the Mq4 render or waiting 45 min for a slightly better render with Renderman. Im hoping to use all this free time to kind of improve even more and find a better method to my madness. Metasequoia just doesnt render well and the lighting is always arse like so:bab rember.png

In blender i can control the lighting and angle and it renders 200x faster than Mq4 so i can do some trial and error~
 
This another submission that has two different tiers for Damage Rating when it needs one, as I have told you elsewhere.

I edited major formatting but I think that the weapons on this mecha should have their own subheaders.
 
I think there's something up with the NAM Aether Battery sub-article
 
So normally I don't do this, but with this main article, there is a big problem with the sentence structure. A lot of the sentences are run on sentences, to the point that it makes it a bit difficult to read. I'll have to ask you to go through and try to fix up the sentence structure, try to make the sentences shorter where you can, possibly breaking things up into two or more sentences. Also in the "About the armor" right under the first picture, it still has generic text there that should change.
 
Okay I went through and dis some more revisions, but I also italicized parts that need to be rewritten because I can't tell what they're saying to fix them.
  • Third paragraph under history
  • Under advantages I rewrote the first one, but the other two I'm not actually sure what the focus of each point is so I can't rewrite it.
  • There needs to be text directly under the "Systems" header
  • The bullet under "Armor" needs to be removed. The information is good but it's not good formatting to have just a single bullet sitting there on its own. So it and the paragraph need to be fused together
  • The second paragraph in the forearm shields section is a bit hard to grasp.
  • In life support there are plenty of technologies listed, without linking to their pages or explaining what they are.
  • Propulsion is confusing. I get that there are 2 different things propelling it, but the way it's written suggest that one starts first, and then after a time the second on comes on?
 
Ill take care of all that has to be added but some of those unlisted technologies are things nepleslia has and has used forever but dont have articles for and i haven't had the time or motivation to make them. And that those paragraphs however vague are the same ones we have used in all our armors (Not using that to justify it just saying.)

For instance, i can't bring myself to try to draw out a page about the Mec-H or our decapitating cryo system which have in all our armors literally just been those couple short and sweet paragraphs and i can't in good faith find a way to make an entire article on those minor technologies and make them any more than a skub page with a paragraph about that long considering i have at least 20 other nepleslian articles open and editing at this time and im at the very limit of my motivation.
 
Well can I suggest either making a page listing all those minor technologies and giving a brief explanation? Or explain it more in the armor. Pretty much the issue is someone that unfamiliar with Nep tech wouldn't know what you're talking about.
 
I did what i could, still not great at formatting and wording~

The propulsion is exactly that but i expanded on it a tad bit. It has two sets that provide a mediocre boost in speed for a kind of running bull charge and then just outright thrust for flying or jumping.


For the shield part though i left unchanged until some clarification. Do you mean its hard to understand the way its written? Or it doesn't make any sense when i say that the shields are weaker than the armor itself but are still sufficient to do their job?

@Syaoran
 
For the shield part, it is mainly the very first part of it (before the first comma) I don't know what that part is trying to say, but then the rest will probably need some touch up since it's all one big long sentence.
 
I was hoping the fact that it shows a picture underneath and is called "forearm shields" would outline that its not just a shield bubble or directional shields but shields on the forearms themselves that the PA can block with. Ill try to outline that better.

Does:

"Rather than conventional shields such as those that envelope the armor or are directional in nature, the Cyclops uses rectangular shields each located on the outer portion of the forearm. When active, each shield is roughly a third longer than the forearm of the frame itself and half again as wide to allow the pilot to block damage situationally by simply blocking with the forearm much the way of traditional metal shields and bucklers.

Due to the constraints of being powered by built-in [[wip:corp:nepleslian_arms_and_munitions:aether_battery|aether batteries]] and in the gauntlets, the shield is not exceptionally powerful and is considerably weaker than what would usually be allotted to an armored frame of that class but none the less still perform well against most direct energy, kinetic, or physical-based weaponry attacks."

Sound and look better for what ye need?
 
Yes that looks very good actually. And the picture did inform me about the shield. It was just a matter of trying to understand what the text itself was trying to say, but now that is clear.
 
Okay so now onto the aether battery;
  • There is no listed year of when this was developed or that it made it to the market
  • The article talks about infinite power and such, but they're labeled as 'batteries', while that is okay, this article will need a "What it does" section or something to explain if this is a generator or a storage battery or what.
  • First paragraph under history; it should be "hypothetically infinite"
  • The list of stats at the bottom, I'm not sure if you need that, because the battery will perform differently in each. This is a battery, not 'ammo' so more important statistics to use would be how many shots it can fire before it needs to recharge/cooldown, also how long does it take to charge if it needs to.
 
I did most of that, and got rid of the ammo section. Tbh i don't think i have the ability to word an About section to explain the jargon on just how that works in relation to batteries and generators considering i don't even know how aether or antimatter really work let alone how my own microwave at home works.

I touched up some of the wording though to try to make it sound like it is clearly a "battery" that self changes over time though if that helps. I didnt put any mention on how fast something like that actually recharges cause i would rather have that be up to interpretation (like in the armors shields and the DR limits) or clearly outlined in an article (like if it powers a weapon how long before it recharges).
 
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