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  • Current IC Month: 9月 YE 42 (through December 31, 2020)

Waiting on Submitter New Dusk Conclave Constitution

Charaa

Well-Known Member
I remember this page, I made it but Jack had to rework it, so I don't mind if Jack posts it.
 

Whisper

Submissions Reviewer
FM of NDC
Game Master
Hey Jack! Taking a first pass on this. There's some small grammar issues here and there that I've taken care of for you during the pass, so you may want to double-check my edits.

Here's some questions or requests I have:

All medical expenses will be paid by the nation, with any ailments of unknown, or currently untreatable by current medical practices. The government will handle transfer to medical facilities and professional equipped to do so without fee.

I'm not quite sure how best to reword this, can you take a stab at it?

In the Council section, you refer to the council as being comprised of members of branches of the government. The next section is labeled 'Department Heads' - maybe make that 'Branches of Government' or something similar?

Under the 'rights' section, it mentions having the right to ST backup data. The NDC has some particular thoughts around ST backups that I don't see reflected here. Just confirming that this is intentional.

* No citizen shall be treated inhumanely, or unfair treatment under matters of law enforcement, or military action.

Can you rephrase this?

* Every citizen shall have the right to equal rights, and a fair jury under the law.

Seems redundant or self-referential as-is, may be good to rephrase.

* Any sentient life shall have the right to change their nationality, religion, or from which nation they choose to be a citizen of.

Can you rephrase this?

I removed a few sections from the marriage/partnership right that didn't seem necessary in the legal context. You can change it back if needed.

The rights switch between 'Any citizen', 'Every citizen', and 'All citizens', you might want to standardize that.

Just a recommendation/thought, but it might be good to have a different name for the Cadre Council. Having the Council of Six and the Cadre Council both shortened to 'Council' might cause confusion in the future. Just a thought.

Let me know when you've had a chance to address the above and I'll give it the official approval pass.

Thanks!
 
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