Star Army

Star ArmyⓇ is a landmark of forum roleplaying. Opened in 2002, Star Army is like an internet clubhouse for people who love roleplaying, art, and worldbuilding. Anyone 18 or older may join for free. New members are welcome! Use the "Register" button below.

Note: This is a play-by-post RPG site. If you're looking for the tabletop miniatures wargame "5150: Star Army" instead, see Two Hour Wargames.

  • Current IC Month: 7月 YE 42 (through October 11, 2020)

New Submission NSMC Sniper mini-bulk submission

SirSkully

FM of Neshaten
Game Master
Hey so, here's some new pages. One for the NSMC sniper occupation, one for a rifle, two for ammo and one for a scope, I'll have the occupation as the "main" article but they are all intertwined.

It's basically a modernization of their most used rifle and ammo, I don't like touching old pages, that's scary.

@Charmaylarg Dufrain give yer approval publicly, when you have a moment, big man
 

Syaoran

Staff Member
Submissions Reviewer
Why are there two separate pages for ammo? And when you say modernization what are you modernizing? Are you just updating the DRs or what?
 

SirSkully

FM of Neshaten
Game Master
One is meant to be a generic 7.8x74mm Magnum round I can edit onto the old Designated Sharpshooter Rifle page while the other is more nuanced stuff made by Galactic Horizon specifically for the new rifle - and no it isn't just updated DRs, its "here's a new model of an old rifle, that has been upgraded and altered".

Hence why it is called the model 2.

That clear things up?

Edit: and to further clarify, the "generic" ammo didn't have a separate page before.
 

Syaoran

Staff Member
Submissions Reviewer
Alright, we'll handle the rifle itself first.
  • The rifle should primarily be referred to by it's real name, or an abbreviation in it's article, not a homage to another gun, that can cause confusion and make people feel like they suddenly started reading a different article if they forget. (My suggestion would be jut to include model 2 in the actual name of this rifle)
  • Looking at the ammo page the heavier ammunition have higher recoil, but that needs to be mentioned on the weapon's page as well.
 

Charmaylarg Dufrain

FM of Nepleslia
Game Master
Ive already given skully my unofficial thumbs up so I'm here to give the official thumbs up for these articles as Nep FM.

The nep sniper page especially I'm ok with and as a grandfathered page due to the old ones being ripped due to ligma should hopefully only need to be reviewed for spelling and such.
 

SirSkully

FM of Neshaten
Game Master
in the process of doing them, got kinda busy the past few days, I'll post here in a lil bit once I've made them.
 

Syaoran

Staff Member
Submissions Reviewer
Okay looking over the sniper page now
  • Paragraph 2 under training; at the first footnote, you seem to end the sentence, but then don't capitalize the sentence that comes after it.
  • Under Training, the paragraph starting with 'Phase 2'; it says "...boiled town to..." in the paragraph
  • This may seem like a nit pick but it's actually pretty important; The article doesn't actually directly say this is training for NSMC snipers. It does kind of indirectly say it, but it needs to say it directly.
  • There should be an article to the equivalent page for generic NSMC marines since it's referenced so many times.
 

Syaoran

Staff Member
Submissions Reviewer
On the Nepleslian round page;
  • First paragraph; should be 'alike' not 'alive'
  • knowhow needs a -
The GH ammo page
  • second paragraph, should be 'manufactures'
  • After Marine Corps you don't need the , and it should read "as part of their new military..."
  • There paragraph; for flow you should put the word 'that' in front of Galactic Horizons
  • The Wolfram confuses me. It's marked as doing more damage, but it's not really explained why, also it's implied but not explicitly stated that it's more accurate? Can it's increased damage be explained, and it be directly stated if it's more accurate? (I assume that's why it has a better range, but that could also be higher load)
 

SirSkully

FM of Neshaten
Game Master
Should be fixed up now, I apologize for some of the small things that are wrong with these articles, I guess I was a little scatter-brained when I made them.

I changed the Wolfram Magnum to being clearer that it has a bigger tungsten element than the other munitions, stated that it is packed with better gunpowder, and that the durandium jacket's design does indeed make it more accurate than the other rounds on offer.

Hope that's everything.
 

Syaoran

Staff Member
Submissions Reviewer
It's understandable, when you spend time writing up a page you forget what things you did and didn't put and things get missed, I know how it is.

However onto the scope. There is really only 'one thing' wrong this this article, but it's gonna require some writing. Pretty much the problem comes down to, even though there is a nice story behind this, and a decent chunk of text in the Function and design section, this article doesn't highlight what makes this different in function from just any random variable scope. I'm not saying it's not different, I have confidence in that, but reading the article wont tell someone why they should buy this one instead of another one.

The other thing isn't a 'problem' but a question. It mentions having a proprietary version of the MOASS, but the scope is made by Zen and not GH? Just checking but was that a miswrite, or did they license a special version form GH?
 

SirSkully

FM of Neshaten
Game Master
Yeah that's fair enough for the scope, for starters I'll clarify the MOASS being used is a specially licensed, stripped-down version, and then I'll see about adding a bit more wow factor to the whole thing.
 
Top