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Approved Character Razeal Kresh

RazealK

Inactive Member
Name: Razeal Kresh


General Information

Species: Nepleslian
Gender: Male
Age: 25

Family / Creators: Mr. & Mrs. Kresh

Employer: Nepleslian Arms and Munitions
Occupation: Technician
Rank: Ships Systems Engineer
Current Assignment: Independent Contractor
Money: 20,000 KS


Physical Characteristics

Height: 6'1
Weight: 165
Measurements: N/a
Bra Size: N/a

Build and Skin Color: Athletic Build / White
Facial Features and Eye Color: Cybernetic red eyes. (UV and Infra-red Enhanced)
Hair Color and Style: Long black hair on back and sides. The hair in back is divided into 3 pony tails.

Distinguishing Features: Deep red artificial eyes. He also has silver colored metal caps over his eye teeth.


Psychological Characteristics

Personality:
Razeal is usually calm and collected though he can be a bit manic at times, mostly due to frustration at not being understood. He can often be found wearing a pair of his fathers old goggles and his own black work gloves in a long tech coat. He is an almost fanatical supporter of Nepleslia's dominance over the Yamatains & other groups. He rarely voices these opinions outright thou, preferring to channel his energy into his work.

Likes: Meat, Starships, Technology, & Females.
Dislikes: Crass know it alls & people who don't understand his tech lingo.
Goals: To keep his little sister safe and cared for. To Design a lot of highly destructive and efficient designs & improve Nepleslia's navy.


History

The middle child of a technology merchant, Razeal was orphaned with his younger sister when his parent and older sister were killed by a Star Army patrol when they were mistaken for pirates. He joined NAM in order to provide for and protect his sister and to get hopefully facilitate the expansion of Nepleslia's military dominance in the stellar region.
Razeal grew up in a small village, which his parents could afford since they were away doing business in the large cities for long stretches of time. When they were home however, they did much to shield Razeal and his siblings from the corruption of their home world. Razeal was never very social with the more brute types, so he often retreated to his room after school to dream of serving in the navy and designing ships.
Razeal also opted for cyberneticly enhanced eyes in his late teens to help him better in his tech work, allowing him to look through bulkheads and panels to diagnose problems.

Skills

Mathematics Razeal is an accredited mathematician from the university, having studied Quantum physics and Dimensional theorem, as well as that which is necessary for starship construction

Medical and Science: Razeal has working knowledge of cybernetics systems, especially those applied in a military fashion.

Engineering: Razeal is an accredited ship designer with 7 years experience and has worked on a small number of projects for the Nepleslian military.

Information Technology: Razeal has a working knowledge of standard Nepleslian Operating Systems. He can operate most any Nepleslian starship with proficiency. He is fast at entering and/or searching for information.

Communication:: Razeal is familiar with basic radio operation and procedures and can make transmissions to and receive transmissions from other characters through headsets, starships, power armor, and shuttles in both combat and non-combat conditions. Razeal is fluent in English and Japanese. He can speak and write both correctly and efficiently and can write reports, fill forms, issue orders under fire, etc.

Construction: Razeal is familiar with nanoconstruction and has used it on occasion.
He is also experienced at building starship and mecha models, and has been doing so since childhood.
Knowledge: Razeal has working knowledge of most older Star Army & Nepleslian weapons and ships, as well as some vehicles and power armors. He also has vast musical memory, having listened to a wide variety music since he was a child.

OOC: Eighth draft. It never ends. And the road that never ends..leads to me.
 
Is this a yamataian of nordic descent, a neko or a nepleslian? Seems to me like you are mixing traits of the three races.

The format is okay. It's just that the content makes no sense for this universe ^_^;
 
*blink blink*

Hm.

I'm at work, so I can't go into detail. But I can do these three things really quickly --

1. You can't be a captain of a Star Army ship. That's reserved for veteran players who've earned the opportunity.

2. You can't be a male Neko, let alone NH-17R. Those have been "retired" for a less powerful but more endurant NH-29. Those also generally don't come in the male variety.

3. Nekos are created by Ketsurui Zaibatsu. So yeah.

4. Your Neko is huge, regardless. No bigger than 5'6".

5. Get that crap out of distinguishing features. You can't have any of it.

6. Your skills are mostly boilerplate, but your sense of history of the Empire is, well, wrong. You wouldn't be tracking dissidents, you'd be hunting Mishhuvurthyar.

You obviously went through the CCG to find the autotemplate ... or did you? Regardless, go back and read some of the stuff that's in there. It's your best guide next to reading posts and other bios, which I also highly recommend. You've got skill, and it shows, but right now everything's wrong and you're leaning toward just trying to make a power character.

Also, just to cover another base, are you trying to port a character into our universe? If so, I'd recommend against it. We like to remain as original as possible here.

Recommending no approval until more work is done.
 
Engineering: Razeal is an accredited ship designer with 7 years experiance on everything from fightercraft to large scale battleships.
I see you've made edits since the other guys commented - the only real beef I have with the updated version is this 7 years of starship design thing. I mean, would you be able to pull that off in-character? Also, where are his starship designs?
 
I disagree. This bio still seems to have one major flaw.

1. You abandoned NH-17R. That's good. But you're still 6'5", 210 lbs. No Neko in the entire SARP is that big, let alone male.

Why not be a Nepleslian? If that were the case, I could have no further objections. If it is because you want to be part of the Star Army of Yamatai ... well, that's a problem then. Not one of your own fault, though.

We've had quite the debate recently about Nepleslians being in the Star Army of Yamatai, so much so that we've actually got an order on the books about it. So, yes, you'd be screwed as far as getting into the SAoY.
 
But you're still 6'5", 210 lbs
I should point out they are out there, but pretty rare and usually part of a light infantry (non-armored) or security unit. It's rare to find them in space, though.
 
Yeah, only NPC nekos have been of the "Big Beefy" variant. The biggest example was Taisho Ketsurui Mayame, who was killed at the Battle of Nepleslia. She was like 8 feet tall, and somewhat of a legend.
 
Well, I would like to be an enhanced human type, not a neko, and also design ships. I actually have a lot of designs in .bmp format, where should I post them?
 
Well, for bitmaps, you can contribute images by posting them to StarChan. Consider using PNG format, for the size of download sizes.

Well, I would like to be an enhanced human type, not a neko
So, a Yamataian instead, perhaps? NH-29s are defiantely Nekovalkyrja.
 
BTW all, I posted some ship designs I did over the past 10 yrs on the image board, one pic for each project/series. I didn't want to flood the board, so tell me if you would like to see more!
 
What ship did you intend for him to serve on?
 
I'm sorry, but that character getting on the Miharu would be out of the question. I'd have several issues with him:

Eye color: Red

Red is generally for test weapons with nekovalkyrja and albino people. I don't think there are any albino Yamataians. You can insist on that point, but I view it as more than an oddity.

Personality:
Razeal is calm and collect, serving the empire like a machine with a purpose, which would be to aquire territory for colonial expansion.

I feel the personallity is weak. For a 25 years old, I'd expect I bit more insight on why the guy acts like a machine.

History
The middle child of a technology merchant, Razeal was orphaned with his younger sister when his parent and older sister were killed in a deep space transport accident. He joined the military in order to provide for and protect his sister.

Being a technician is generally more than just being a soldier providing for his little sister. I'd have had liked to see something show about why he was a technician, really.

Starship Operations: Razeal has held a command position since his first mission for the empire, hunting Mishhuvurthyar on the outer borders.

Not with your rank and level of experience, especially considering your history has nothing of this written down.

Technology Operation: Razeal has mastered both earlier starship OS and helped to contribute to never designs aboard prototype ships.

Prototype ships don't rain, but the Miharu happens to be one, so, this could hint as a potential hook to add the character. However, I do not like the 'mastered'. Starting characters, especially with players whom just joined, ought to try just being 'competent' instead of masterful.

Fighting: Razeal received hand-to-hand combat training, followed up with a rigorous training program. She is skilled and experienced in combat both in Yamatai-like conditions and in zero-gravity, with and without weapons. Weapons he is trained in include energy pistols, knives, and power armor.

She?

Engineering: Razeal is an accredited ship designer with 7 years experiance on everything from fightercraft to large scale battleships.

The character was everywhere building ships for all his military service? *shakes head* This goes a lot farther than what being a soldier 3rd class ought to be in terms of experience.

Maintenance and Repair: Razeal is trained and skilled in handheld weapons, power armor, fighter craft, and small spacecraft repairs. He also has extensive knowledge of Starship drive and weapons systems as well as defensive systems.

I really think your character ought to specialize to either be a ship technician or an armorer. I feel all those competencies are piling up a little to high.

Leadership: Razeal is a veterned tactician and stragtagist. He is well capable of raising a crews moral level an leading them to victory as well as earning thier respect.

If this was earned through play, I wouldn't have cause to object... but what I'm seeing with that is a technician whom can singlehandedly command a starship, not to mention with the ability to design and fix anything from a power armor to a capital-sized vessel as well as to lead multiple units (along with crews whom he doesn't need due to his capability at handling things on his own) to greatly thought out tactical maneuverings and 'victories' - all those great interpersonnel skills coming from a guy whom has a cold and emotionless demeanor out to join the army to provide for his sister.

You'll have to forgive me if I sound a tad harsh, but I think the whole package lacks realism and that it's a tad overpowered.

My advice: flesh him out more in terms of history and personality. In terms of profession, try specializing him in just one field, like you'd think someone coming out of the university would be for a character of his age (many army courses are claimed to be university level education in Canada, so I think its an apt analogy). Also, tone down a LOT of your skills: idealy, he should just professionally be starting out, unless you give us some good plot idea of why he'd be joining the army later, or would have been in the Star Army without having gained a promotion for awhile.
 
Just to be sure Fred's concerns are addressed, I won't accept this player on the Goban either. He's more talented than my commander right now.
 
Looks good this time around, although the 7 years from 18 in experience may be a stretch.

What do others think of it?
 
Well, Melchoir is 25 :D

Xiang He is 45 :D

If you think he is too young then perhaps 35 ? :D

(Dont mind me, I'm being a momentary Osaka) (No, not you Osakaone, I'm refering to the Azumanga character)

The only thing I am concerned about is his Knoledge of Neko and Yamataian biology, which I belive is a Yamatai state secret. Also, would a Nepleslian learn about the Kessaku OS in-depth? ( Will wait for the Yamataian players to respond )
 
RPG-D RPGfix
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