• 📅 September 2022 is YE 44.6 in the RP. 1 IC month = 1 OOC month for the rest of the year.

Approved Character [[Service to the Free States]] Alistair Thorn

Aendri

Inactive Member
Couple things.

One, make sure you correct things everywhere they are in the future, not just in one place. The height/weight have both been fixed now, but you forgot to modify the character card at the top.

Under build, what kind of muscular is he? There's a major difference between bodybuilder muscular and runner muscular, for example.

You can just delete the ears category if there's nothing special about them.

Pretty much everything in the hair category needs to be removed except the very first line. That's referring to the hair style, not his overall style.

You also need to fill in the Distinguishing Characteristics area. Everyone has something that sets them apart from a crowd, even if it's just that they're completely and utterly ordinary. If nothing else, his scars.

Couple things under history. First, it's a bit touchy for him to have been sold to the Black Syndicate. Even if they did a bit of human trading back then, they've always been more focused on the inventory side of things. Weapons, equipment, tools, money, that kind of stuff. It would make more sense for it to just be one of the nameless many among the gangs of Nepleslia instead of the Blacks.

Second line of the second paragraph, do you mean a corporation account? Cooperation fund makes a lot less sense.

I also feel obliged to point out that not only are bullet wound splash ballistics a serious profession, so it's doubtful he'd know how to properly read them, it's also, well... not uncommon for someone to get shot in Funky City. Life on the lower end of the spectrum in funky city is pretty risky, to be honest.

The bit about the Marines taking him to the hospital is also a bit off, but that's possible, so that can slide.

In Survival, it's knack, not nack.

Electrical Engineering is just... wrong. On many levels. Most electrical engineers have little to do at all with computer systems. Computer engineers, in modern day alone, are a very separate discipline from electrical engineering, let alone at the distant level that SARP is at where computers have developed to that point.

Inventory, the line about the handguns needs to be tweaked. You still have the part about choosing which gun in there, just need to remove that and tick the next line back a line spacing.

Pretty good, just needs a little tweaking.
 

Gunhand4171

The Gunman
Okay @Aendri, I went through your ideas. I changed the gang to a random gang I call the Deckers. I fixed the little things. I didn't change electrical engineer because I got that straight from the skills page. What do you think now?
 

Aendri

Inactive Member
Well, okay... you still need to create a userpage.

Occupation needs to be switched.

Still need the edits in the Physical characteristics.

Cybernetics details in the facial features need to be moved into their own section.

The cross is... touchy. I'll throw that one off to @Koenig808, since christianity isn't a thing in setting, I'm not sure if crosses would be.

Still need a clarification on the cooperation fund vs corporation fund thing.

Still need more detail on the sister's death. Again, murder/suicide are a pretty damn common thing in the Nep lower levels of society. It's a pretty big leap to just assume it's the gang he's involved with. That's fine, but you need to clarify it's just an assumption, since there is NO way he could know it was them just from the blood spatters and fact that it looked like suicide.

Getting there, still needs a bit more.
 

Gunhand4171

The Gunman
All right...

1. I fixed the cross, it's now a locket.

2. I don't know how to make a user page.

3. I changed the sister's death.

4. Cybernetics has its own category under inventory, wasn't sure where else it should have gone.

5. I made the Cooperation fund into a Cooperation Bank Account.

6. I made edits to physical Characteristics.

Okay besides the user page, how about now...
 

Aendri

Inactive Member
You make a user page the same way you made this page, just open the link and edit the page to say what you want it to. Easiest way is just to click the red link where your username is now, and use that page.

Tweaked the phrasing on the eyes and fixed the coding in that section up a bit.

Cybernetics look good, that's fine. It's just a matter of the capabilities of the cybernetics not belonging in the physical description.

Looks good to me. Approved, though you still need to make the user page.
 
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