Star ArmyⓇ

Star ArmyⓇ is a landmark of forum roleplaying. Opened in 2002, Star Army is like an internet clubhouse for people who love roleplaying, art, and worldbuilding. Anyone 18 or older may join for free. New members are welcome! Use the "Register" button below.

Note: This is a play-by-post RPG site. If you're looking for the tabletop miniatures wargame "5150: Star Army" instead, see Two Hour Wargames.

Approved Submission [Star Army Of Yamatai] Equipment - Type 40 Plate Bearing vest

SirSkully

FM of S6
Game Master
Submission Type: Equipment/Armour
Template Used: Modified Clothing Template


Faction: Star Army of Yamatai
FM Approved yet? No, @Wes (sorry if I forgot anyone else)
Faction Requires Art? No idea but I will be getting some

For Reviewers:
Contains Unapproved Sub-Articles? No
Contains New art? Yes
Previously Submitted? No

Notes: Well here it is, I imagine I have messed something up along the way and sorry if that is the case (also sorry about the rudimentary graphics for the mounting system explanation, I had better ones but they seem to have vanished)
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Arbitrated

The Smollest Smol
FM of Elysia
This review is for: THE TYPE 40 PLATE BEARING VEST

The submitted article is/has…
[Yup!] A very high level of overall quality
[Mhm!] A general topic sentence under the title header
[It does!] Artwork (Required for new species; Strongly recommended for vehicles and hand weapons)\\
[Yes and Yes] Needed and/or useful to the setting
[Y] In the proper format/template
[For the most part] Proofread for spelling and grammar
[Mostly!] Easy to read and understand (not a lengthy mass of technobabble)
[Yup!] Wikified (terms that could be a link should be a link)
[None here!] No red and/or broken links
[Doesn't need to worry!] Reasonably scientifically plausible
[Yup!] Reasonably neutral point of view

The submitted article is/does not…
[Nope] Overpowered (or cutting tech for a faction with little or no roleplay)
[Nah] Obtusely redundant
[Uh-uh!] Contain copy pasta descriptions of systems or interior compartments
[For the moment] Unauthorized by faction managers or player-controlled corporation
[No] Contain references to IC events that have not occurred (SM must authorize retcons)
[Nope!] Use second-person language (“you” or “your”) unless it is an instructional guide aimed at players.
[N] Use bombastic language (“virtually immune,” “nearly indestructible,” “insanely powerful,” “horrible effects”)
[Nah] Use an unbalanced header/text ratio (many headers but sections are one-liners)
[No] Use major unapproved sub-articles that should be submitted separately
[Only a little bit] Lacking Detail
[Nope] Images hosted on sites other than stararmy.com (Photobucket, Imageshack, etc are not allowed)

The article has…
[N/A] Speeds in compliance with the Starship Speed Standard, if applicable
[Y] Damage Capacity and Damage Ratings in compliance with the DR Guidelines
[Y] The in-character year of creation/manufacture. (Should be current year. Future years not allowed).
[No] The Standard Product Nomenclature System, if applicable.


Summary
Mkay!

This looks like an overall good submission, not many things really problematic with it. You DO need a Nomenclature for it though!

On top of that, I'm not entirely sure how Lorath technology and the like is handled - That's up to other NTSE mods and/or Wes in case it's a confliction but for now I'm gonna let it pass (Though if you can find a possible alternative, you might wanna think about it in case the Stone Thread needs to be replace with something else).

Status: Pending

Notes
For the topic sentence right under the title, can you split that into two sentences please? Just replace the comma with a period and fix capitalization from there and it'll be fine ^^

Can you make a link to the real life wikipedia for Velcro at least once? It's just a neat little thing that helps connect stuff together if that makes sense.

For the Appearance section, can you put a small paragraph or maybe just a sentence for the Elysian variant?

For Attachments, I have five things to say:

-Please make the attachments into subheaders below the actual "Attachments" header. It helps break the page up a bit for explaining the attachments ^~^
-A lot of the attachments have sentences in parentheses which seem to just be a simplified repeat of the rest of the section.
-Do the attachment points attach parts to the OUTSIDE or the INSIDE of the vest?
-Some of the descriptions seem a bit short, in my opinion; can you try to make as many of them as you can be longer? Over a full line or so on a computer's screen should probably be enough, due to how simple a lot of these are. (Making links to other things, like the NSP for the pistol holster, can get you some easy text onto the page.)
-Perhaps to help players understand the system a bit more easily, you could move one of the artworks you have to the top of that section? Preferably the empty, normal variation - this lets players see the empty grids they can equip stuff to right away, and THEN the attachments they can put on that grid.

Finally, just do another pass for grammar and spelling, please; I noticed a handful of errors in the page, but none of them were really major things that caused any issues.

I intend to finish this review by: FRIDAY, JUNE 15, 2018 (If not sooner)
 

SirSkully

FM of S6
Game Master
Okay sorry about those mistakes, hopefully most/all of them have been resolved now:

-made attachments into subheaders and such
-wrote that the attachments are external unless otherwise stated
-beefed up some of the descriptions and removed the bits in parenthesis
-moved the blank vest templates up
-linked the nsp and velcro
-broke up the first sentence with a period and then did appropriate capitalization
-added birb bro section to appearance

Grammatical errors, were they things like realisation vs realization or something more?

if the stone-thread was needed to be taken out then I would've used simple kevlar, but I saw nothing saying I couldn't use it and Ame backed that up.


Thanks for being so speedy
 

Arbitrated

The Smollest Smol
FM of Elysia
IDK why but the link to the WIP page is giving me a blank page instead of, well, even the SARP wiki. I think it broke?


-One last thing I forgot to add about the appearance actually, maybe these should have a way to identify the specialization of the soldier? Like a stripe or patch or something of the specialization color.


Mostly the errors I saw were just, random things like what you said, yeah! Also the first line of the "Attachments" section is cut off, it end like this: "each attachment h"


Ame cleared up the Stone Thread stuff so that's coolio ovob


Well, it all looks together aside from those bits really! Once @Wes gives FM approval I don't see any reason this shouldn't be unapproved! ^^
 

Arbitrated

The Smollest Smol
FM of Elysia
Excuse me Mr. @Wes, would you please give a Faction Manager review of this submission when you are next able to? The only thing preventing this from being approved is the FM approval, at this current time.
 

club24

Everything Is Magical
FM of Neshaten
Game Master
if they were made transparent would it be more acceptable? I hadn't looked over this before now since it was not really related to me directly but looking at the way the attachment system is designed I think the squares kinda suit it and the images are easy to look at and understand in that context.
 

SirSkully

FM of S6
Game Master
Oh uhhh, TY club


sorry Wes, I only buy art for things I personally want art for - not just for the sake of it having art.

I know it sounds dumb but ehhh, I'm a lil dumb.
 
Top