Andres
Inactive Member
Star Army
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Approved Character Yamauchi Keiko
- Thread starter Andres
- Start date
Aendri
Inactive Member
H'okay. From the top then.
In build. Pale what? You can be pale caucasian or pale african, and those two are very, very different. Clarify.
Facial structure, you're going to have to do better then that. How is her face so forgettable? Describe her. You're trying to make it so we can picture her in our heads without ever seeing a picture.
Could you collapse the personality into paragraph form rather then the sentence format? It's kinda off putting the way it is. Also, if she dislikes sadness and angst, why does she act in that manner? Wouldn't that kind of create the vicious circle of self-hatred? Hates herself more because she hates herself?
Dunno what it is, but something about the history put together with the personality bugs me. If I can put a finger to it, I'll let you know, but for now it's okay.
Skills look decent, nothing great, but nothing to hold you up for.
I recommend approval, pending the changes listed.
In build. Pale what? You can be pale caucasian or pale african, and those two are very, very different. Clarify.
Facial structure, you're going to have to do better then that. How is her face so forgettable? Describe her. You're trying to make it so we can picture her in our heads without ever seeing a picture.
Could you collapse the personality into paragraph form rather then the sentence format? It's kinda off putting the way it is. Also, if she dislikes sadness and angst, why does she act in that manner? Wouldn't that kind of create the vicious circle of self-hatred? Hates herself more because she hates herself?
Dunno what it is, but something about the history put together with the personality bugs me. If I can put a finger to it, I'll let you know, but for now it's okay.
Skills look decent, nothing great, but nothing to hold you up for.
I recommend approval, pending the changes listed.
