Approved Character [YSS Komainu] Tevagar, Aphrodi

[BloodyScarlet]

https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:tevagar_aphrodi

@Primitive Polygon, here is my character for your fun sounding plot.

 

[Primitive Polygon]

Hey Scar. This is pretty darn tootin' good, and we did need a mechanic.

One or two things I kinda want to point out, though, just for the sake of clarity on some stuff;

-Something like "Body Age" or "Age Appearance" may help with the fact they are not actually 22.
-To be honest, your grammar can be hard to read at times, just because you use really long sentences. Don't want to link you to some dumb website to explain run-on sentences, but... Generally, if it gets awkward to say out loud, then it will be hard for somebody else to read.
-How long were they actually stuck on the planet? A year?
-"their wasn't enjoy salvageable tech" I'm guessing you meant 'enough'....

No mega problems here. They sound pretty cool especially in looks. Just trying to give some constructive criticism, whilst we have the chance to sit down and talk about them. :3

 

[BloodyScarlet]

Hey it is fine, writing isn't my strong suit, so tomorrow I will get on and sort this stuff out.

 

[BloodyScarlet]

Done list:
- Added body and real age.
- It does say in history that "After a year she finally got a distress signal out".
- changed enjoy to enough.

Just need to work work on grammar and the things will be sorted.

 

[BloodyScarlet]

Just need to check, is it the whole page, history or somewhere else

 

[Primitive Polygon]

Both the personality and the history to be honest. Sorry, I know this sounds like nitpicking. Appreciate you putting the effort in here.

I was more just pointing out that a sentence like;

After a year she finally got a distress signal out, they had made a monument to the ship they served on and after the next couple of weeks they were picked up and brought into debrief as they had missed some key things.

Is way easier to read when it's phrased like;

After a year, she finally got a distress signal out. They made a monument to the ship they served on, and after the next couple of weeks, they were picked up. Not long after that, they were brought into debrief, as they had also missed some key things.

It's just one of those habitual things, where you don't realise something is too long and dense, because you are the one who wrote it.

Hope that explained things a bit better.

 

[BloodyScarlet]

Ah yea it does, will let you know when I have sorted it out.

 

[BloodyScarlet]

I think it is better and easier to read now compared to before.

 

[Primitive Polygon]

Just gave it another once over. Yeah, that's a lot better, thank you.

Calling this Approved unless anyone wants to swoop in with an objection.

I'll send you an invite to the Discord group, too. ;I

 

[Ametheliana]

NH-33 are able to be up to five foot six inches as per the physical characteristics of the species.

I made some linkages and grammar/spelling fixes. I don't think I changed too much but check them out if you want.

 

[BloodyScarlet]

The Linkages and fixes seem okay, I had it down as that as I though they could choose what their height with a new body, or do they not do that anymore, I just remember the weirdly sized Nekos/Minkans people did.

 

[Ametheliana]

They can choose their height, yes, but within the confines of what their new body's height parameters actually are.

 

[BloodyScarlet]

Okay I guess I'll make her that bit smaller.

I was just remembering the people who were like a few inches tall so thought a couple of inches taller than normal would be okay.

 

[BloodyScarlet]

And she is 3 inches smaller than she was.