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  • 📅 December 2022 is YE 44.9 in the RP.

Approved Character [YSS Ryujo] Nenna Koyama

Aendri

Inactive Member
Fixed it for you. I'll get right on reviewing this once my school stuff is done, since I'm both a character mod AND the co-GM for Ryujo, just works out well.
 

Kyle

Insane Story Writer Foxy
Inactive Member
May wanna fix the RP history, I think something got cut off. Also, please create a user page :)
 

Aendri

Inactive Member
So, what's going on here? I apologize for the delay, I saw Kyle had posted and guessed he was reviewing it.
 

Aendri

Inactive Member
Last I was aware of, he'd asked you to work on the history. If you're done with that, I can do a full review, though.
 

Aendri

Inactive Member
Well, my apologies for the delay (again). I'll get right down to it.

Especially with the younger nekos, I tend to recommend noting at least a birth month/year, especially when you're marking their age in months. Just helps out down the road with keeping track of her age. In this case, keep in mind that she would have to have finished training in time to be sent to the Ryujo before it departed, so her birthday would be at least 6 months before the beginning of July, so the age might need to be updated. This is just because we're not really going to be in a position to pick up new people along the way, so anyone we add in is going to have been "background NPCs" up to this point, effectively. There from the start, just not involved.

In the build, you need to clarify a bit. As I've said many times before, saying someone is "fit" or that it's clear she does a lot of physical activity doesn't actually mean much of anything. A weightlifter is built differently from a runner, is built differently from a swimmer, and so on. I'd also recommend you be a bit more specific with the skin color than just purple. Lavender and Royal Purple are very different colors, after all, but both are technically "purple".

Could we get a bit more information in the Facial features? You describe her eyes, but nothing else.

Her laugh doesn't really constitute a Distinguishing Feature for our purposes. A better (if slightly darker) way of thinking about it is "How would someone pick her out of a lineup?"

Well done on the personality.

History is fine, given her age, though you might want to throw something in to explain why she wouldn't have come to mind for the current ground crew. Pissed off Ingrid somehow, tripped and embarrassed herself in front of the captain... Feel free to get a bit inventive, within reason. It's not necessary, but it's a good way to interject yourself into the plot without a ton of handwaving.

The technology operations skill needs to be changed. The last line is a Vehicles skill, not Technology Operations. Think of Technology operations like a "Computers" skill. She might know how to program the vehicles as part of the skill, but not how to drive them.

Demolitions needs to be tightened up a bit as well. What KIND of explosives? Fuel Air bombs are pretty simple to make, but useless for pretty much any kind of military operation that you'll encounter, while C4 style explosives are very useful, but almost impossible to manufacture by hand unless you already have the C4 itself. Just clarify a bit on whether or not you're talking about the ability to just put parts together, or if you're talking about building bombs from scratch.

Same as with some other characters recently, Survival needs to be a bit more specific, especially since it's not a SAoY standard skill. What kind of environments is she capable of working in? Is it all book knowledge, or has she actually spent time practicing those skills in real life?

Honestly, on the whole? You're good to go already. Pretty much everything here is stuff that can be tweaked as we go, so I'm going to go ahead and say you're Approved to start taking part if we get a moment to pull you in (and I may do that very soon), but we'll keep this thread here until you've got those points addressed.
 

Wes

Founder & Admin
Staff Member
🌸 FM of Yamatai
🎖️ Game Master
🎨 Media Gallery
Where else would a distinctive laugh go other than distinguishing features?
 

Aendri

Inactive Member
Not sure, to be honest. Maybe Personality? I just tend to think of that area as a purely Physical section, that you could pick out visually.
 

Wes

Founder & Admin
Staff Member
🌸 FM of Yamatai
🎖️ Game Master
🎨 Media Gallery
It bummed me out seeing those this player made a character, got assigned to a ship, waited a month to RP, and finally gave up and left. As GM we got to do better to avoid "Dropping the ball" which means getting players into fun RP as soon as possible.

Since this player hasn't been around since 2015, and this is a nice character, I'm going to adopt her and fix her up.
 
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