Balloon is a prog-rock band from the Nepleslias, and widely regarded as the best worst band in the universe by blending orchestral niceties with rock and roll and synth; having sparse, salad-like vocals and coupled with inane song lengths in the name of being 'epic' because longer songs mean better with 'songs' reaching up to twenty to forty minutes with improvised solos and occasionally, lyrics.

However, the cringeworthy appeal of sitting through these aural assaults has made them financially successful, and endearing. They're usually asked to be the opening acts for better bands to cleanse the audience's palette, using shorter versions of their songs, five to six minutes at maximum, which are much more popular with listeners than the full versions.

Forming as a garage band during the settlement of Nepleslia Prime, they were doing alright by playing at pubs and bars around Prime City before their drummer died of a vision journey off a cliff in early YE32. That's when their reputation as 'worst band in the universe' started catching up with them because they insisted on playing their songs without a drummer.

After the death of their drummer, they were first publicly spotted playing at a hotel in Nepleslia Prime in YE32. A misadventure occurred while the tried to think of a gimmick for that evening, with Luca Pavone and his crew fighting a woman made of inky goo, at least three assassins and a giant, inflatable crocodile assaulting the bassist (no really). The band threw their planned notes and track list away and improvised frantically to the fight.

The frenzy of the fight was a positive influence on their music, according to Tommy Stretch. They also decided to give up looking for a new drummer willing to work with them and buy a Drum Machine.

• Captain Badness Sails Again (7:20) - Improvised hit written during the great Crocodile Incident of '32 with a thinly disguised Luca Pavone as the central character, a marauding ocean pirate fighting the Navy for the treasure of a lost city.
• The First Blast Against the Crocodile's Snaggled Teeth (21:03) - A dramatised retelling of the Crocodile Incident of '32. Has a 5 minute long drum machine solo.
• The Second Blast Against the Crocodile's Snaggled Teeth (28:44) - Second part of the dramatised retelling.
• WarpWorld and the Rise of the Foots (16:28) - A science-fiction adventure involving a spaceman tasked with protecting WarpWorld from the Foots, an intergalactic menace of, er, feet.
• The Final Blast Against the Crocodile's Snaggled Teeth (31:15) - The final part of the dramatised retelling. This one has a three minute long freakout near the end as the crocodile 'dies'.
• Lorath Bong Havoc, the Ed Hurley Story (17:04) - A retelling and belated, sarcastic epitaph of the life of their previous drummer, Ed Hurley. The Drum Machine sometimes shorts out on this song sometimes and refuses to play.
• DDD ddd DDD! (11:36) - Named after the most commonly used note in the song, all octaves.
• Upsick Downturn Electronic (18:53) - A synth-heavy protest song written about the Yamataian Treatment of Freespacers. It gets very difficult to tell what they're actually protesting about thanks to the abstract lyrics, designed specifically not to offend anyone.
• The Big Thuddening (34:11) - One of the darker songs in their catalogue describing the moments after an apocalypse and everyone dying, using long, drawn out notes and oppressive, heavy drum beats and minor chords to build an overwhelming sense of synthetic uneasiness.

Here are the current and previous members of Balloon.

The Dashing Frontman, vocalist and keyboarder. When he isn't singing and focussing on belting out keyboard solos on the piano, he has an exaggerated frown plastered to his face in concentration, sometimes called the 'Stretch Frown'.

It is impossible to tell which way his eyes are facing thanks to a mop bowl cut that covers his eyes and nose. His mouth (and the dogended cigarette in it) is normally visible. He has been asked by charities to shave it off and reveal himself, but he refuses on the grounds that “I'd be ugly as hell.”

The Lead Guitarist. She uses a special type of synthesiser guitar called the Ribbon Controller, which has a flat pad where the fretboard should be, no strings, and large touchscreen for 'strumming' the sounds. According to interviews, it's a home invention of hers that she uses to get the unique squeals, whines, riffs and licks out of her sound.

The Jittery Bassist. Having grown accustomed to the fact that he'd be plucking the bass for the rest of his life and growing sick of nicking his fingers on the bass strings, he cut off his hands and replaced them with finely tuned cybernetic ones. Occasionally, he shoots lightning from them.

He also has wooden panelling on his cybernetics, and Edgy is sometimes called 'woodenhead' for having skull that looks like it's made from polished maple. He's also known for having the more mellowed personality compared to Zena and Tommy, stating that the wood in his head allows him to sense the 'vibes' off of people.

An electric drum machine that provides all of their drumming work for their songs. Some of the samples have been messed with to get that just-off-kilter feel that Balloon strives for. It also gets the most groupies, has the most scandalous reputation and appears to be the most popular 'member' of the band despite being non-sentient.

Shrouded in myth and mystery, their previous drummer, Ed Hurley died of misadventure after ingesting a suspicious amount of Lorath drugs and walking off a cliff yelling “I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!” in YE32. He was also incredibly popular with the fans for their destructive behaviour, involving explosives, defenestrated televisions, cars in swimming pools and self-directed arson attacks.

Some fans speculate that Ed's ghost currently inhabits the Drum Machine due to repeated incidents involving local wildlife while on tour. How these occur is a mystery, but the Drum Machine is a constant.

• YE 32 - The .45 Star Hotel - Where they met Luca Pavone. Edgy Flashman was rescued by him after almost being carried away on the back of a giant inflatable crocodile.
• YE 33 - Nine Hundred and Ninety Nine Balloons - A ninety nine minute long concert that keeps all songs compressed and played down to ninety minutes. The only deviation here was the final nine minutes, which added a completely new verse to Captain Badness Sails Again, effectively extending it to make it fit nine minutes.
• YE 34 - Bricks and Balloons - A 'collaboration' with Super Earbrickers Unite to remix their songs into 'glitched' versions. This was also where Upsick Downturn Electronic was sung for the first time, not revealed on the initial tracklist and leading to some controversy for those who were able to figure out the message by the end of it. They pinned it on the Drum Machine.
• YE 35 - The Return to Crocodile House - Balloon celebrated their third anniversary of their altercation against the Inflatable Crocodile by playing their new song, 'The Final Blast Against the Crocodile's Snaggled Teeth' and all parts preceding in one sitting. They played for over and hour and a half consecutively, a feat of stamina that surprised many critics, praising the band's endurance and stamina despite how cringeworthy their music was.

This page was originally created on 2014/01/17 16:35 by Luca.

Listen to these bands and their songs if you want to get an idea of how Balloon sounds.

• King Crimson - 21st Century Schizoid Man, Epitaph, I Talk to the Wind
• Emerson, Lake and Palmer - Fanfare for the Common Man, Tarkus, I Believe in Father Christmas
• PeePeePo - Justin Crashes a Train, Donald Chokes his Chicken
• Yello - Oh Yeah, The Race, Pinball Cha Cha
• Yes - Roundabout, Owner of a Lonely Heart