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Star Army

Star ArmyⓇ is a landmark of forum roleplaying. Opened in 2002, Star Army is like an internet clubhouse for people who love roleplaying, art, and worldbuilding. Anyone 18 or older may join for free. New members are welcome! Use the "Register" button below.

Note: This is a play-by-post RPG site. If you're looking for the tabletop miniatures wargame "5150: Star Army" instead, see Two Hour Wargames.

  • If you were supposed to get an email from the forum but didn't (e.g. to verify your account for registration), email Wes at [email protected] or talk to me on Discord for help. Sometimes the server hits our limit of emails we can send per hour.
  • Get in our Discord chat! Discord.gg/stararmy

A poem in progress

Ahem... Bitter Seeds, by Some Random Emo (Me)

All the divine essence of my life
Has become bloodstained edges
Tear-drenched pillows
And withered petals
Without you...

Amazing incandescence...
Perplexing shadiness...
I fall victim to the curse and the plague that is you
Incurable, unassailable, unquestionable passion
Ignoble, inadmissible, uncomforting passion
I fall victim to the curse and the plague that is love

In you the aria of amity
In you the dirge of discontent
In you the glorious portrait of perfection
In you the constraining delusion of delirium
In you...the completion of this awkward chimera

Every ounce of your spirit
A rose blackened by the shadow of death
I can feel your heart pounding within mine
All the hatred, all the fear in every beat
Coursing through my veins...is your torment
------------Unfinished-----------------
 
Click to expand...
The poem is written in a style that mimics african poetic techniques, without of course Reggae-esque music in the background. It was originally a song, but I have no music to it yet.
 
My honest opinion.

Aside from the flow, which I've already commented on, it reads like something by Terry Brooks. I suppose some people would consider that a compliment, but from me, it isnt. It feels like a bunch of words strung together with the express purpose of painting an image, when the author isnt quite sure what he wants to paint. It feels vaguely convoluted, overdescribes, and spends all this effort to go practically nowhere.

I appologize for being a bit harsh. My best advice? Not every stanza needs a fuzzy fluffy ducky in a dusty sunlit barnyard.

Figuratively speaking.
 
It's not so much in my opinion that the poem doesn't flow, but moreso the fact that I dislike the choice of vocabulary as it is a little bit overdramatic.
 
RPG-D RPGfix
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