Approved Character Arkase Oshiro

[SSharp]

https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:oshiro_arkase

If I got anything wrong, let me know! \\
Hope this is good.
I also forgot how much a Santo Hei gets, if someone could point it out, it would be a great favor!

 

[Wes]

Hey there. Before we can approve a character, you've got to get it on the wiki.

See https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=gu ... _character for details and instructions.

 

[Doshii Jun]

Also, I'll be going over this one tonight. Heads up: You're basically going to need to "fill it out" a little more. The character's light on personality and history at the moment, and the skills need work. I suggest finding a skill other than Leadership, as you likely won't be using it for a while.

 

[SSharp]

Alright, I'll get him some other skill, I was just afraid of overdoing it, Leadership seemed the safest at the time.

The List Thing is fixed now, (I hope)
I also fixed the Personality and Skills just now, I hope everything is up to par now

 

[Doshii Jun]

1. First of all, your weight's off: I think you mean 168 pounds, not kilograms.

2. Second, "white" Yamataian is incorrect. There's no racial difference between a dark-skinned Yamataian and a light-skinned Yamataian, as the body itself is an android body of sorts. You can describe his skin color, however.

3. Under "facial featur"Averagely handsome" doesn't describe anything. Does he have a blocky head? A chiseled chin? Sunken cheeks? Give him a bit better description there.

4. Under hair style: What's a "wild fashion?" Is it long? Short? Wind-swept? Feathery? In his eyes?

5. Yamataians cannot have tattoos. Their skin regenerates over the tattoo naturally.

6. Personality looks good, looks good. Why does he like guns?

7. History: The planet is Kennewes. But on top of that, it's a little too shallow.

a. Where are his parents?

b. How did his brother get in a traffic accident? What was he doing?

c. Why was his brother "under his watch?" How was the brother supposed to be watched?

d. Why was he not charged?

8. Skills:

a. You doubled up on "Fighting." You combined it with "Physical." Need to fix that; just delete the pat that comes after "rifles of all kinds."

b. I like Acting, but it is a subset of "Entertainment". The same would go for Storytelling, and that can actually be lumped into just "Entertainment," too. That's not doubling up.

c. Memory isn't a skill, really. All Yamataians have computerized brains that are supposed to remember perfectly. The difference is how well players remember. You can substitute this skill for something else.

9. Inventory:

a. Where did he get the necklace? What's it for?

Overall: Not bad at all. Most of my points are nitpicks, to make sure your character's well formed. Take your time on them; think about them. Should be pretty easy.

This character is pending. The submitter must address the list of edits above and edit the wiki accordingly.

 

[SSharp]

Hmm... Okay. I'll try to patch things up as soon as I get my schoolwork done. (Only reason I'm on this late, bet I'll be running on coffee by the time I'm finished, so it shouldn't be much trouble.) Sorry for being trouble.
But I'm learning, and hopefully next time I won't be as dumb.

I do have to say the color thing: Thats what I was describing, but I will fix it anyway to make it more clear.

Edit: I fixed everything, added more detail to his history (Both to the accident with his brother and to why he likes guns/reason I gave him the strategy skill.

 

[Doshii Jun]

No no no! You weren't dumb at all. I tend to be pretty nitpicky, which you couldn't have known; you're doing fine. You didn't seem to answer what the necklace is for, or how he got it, but that can be revealed via RP. The rest is golden.

[/color]This character is approved for IC usage.[/color] Please file your orders in this thread.

Welcome to the Star Army Role-Play.

 

[SSharp]

I zoned on the necklace, sorry. I guess I will reveal it via RP,

Thank you, hope to see in-RP!