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Approved Character Bastet Najem

Welcome to Star Army, SPM. I'm Doshii Jun, one of the many staff members here at the SARP.

I've left a PM for Exhack, the Iroma creator, asking him to assist you with your character. Feel free to PM him with further questions.
 
>> Hello!
>> Exhack here.
>> I'll be doing a review of the character biography for the Iromakuanhe faction character "Bastet Najem".

>> Press the PM button at the bottom of this post to contact me if you have any questions.

General Information

  • Why is is first name that of a (female) Egyptian cat goddess? As well, the last name seems quite similar to that of my current GM character, Serhan Nejem.
  • Instead of a Zodiac Sign, put in his ethnic background. In this case, Eyr Ranr. Only keep his actual species in the species section.
  • Remove the section for bra size, please.
  • The only available plot is Bahram Wing, a frame-based plot set in the Graiv Haidan. That might change soon, but it'll depend.
  • I would recommend you reconsider choosing Starship Operator. I'll elaborate in a minute.

General Information Verdict: Needs a few minor fixes.

Physical Characteristics

  • His appearance seems to be that of a fairly slim person, but you haven't described it at all. Please elaborate on what you have written and more properly define his face, since it's what everyone is going to be seeing.
  • Nice touch making it so that he dyes his horns. It's supposed to be a fairly fashionable thing, like using hairgel.
  • You should fix the grammar of the sentences. Punctuate and capitalize properly, although the current short-ish structure is acceptable.

Physical Characteristics Verdict: Just a bit of work is needed. The concept looks good.

Psychological Characteristics

  • So he's a little unsure about himself, tempermental and has a sense of humor that is prone to bad jokes? Cool.
  • I would however, recommend putting just a bit more into this section, and fixing up the punctuation and capitalization again.
  • Why does he like Curdatl? It would be something to work on in his backstory.

Psychological Characteristics Verdict: Grammar and spelling again. I'm not going to push you on raw amounts of content until you feel familiar with the setting.

History

  • This section is very bare. In the ideal situation, the history should explain the motivations of a character being in the military, especially in nations where soldiers are trained instead of being bred.
  • Refer to some of the (finished) biographies on the Iromakuanhe Characters page. When I made my first character for this site, reading other character pages from the same section helped, a lot.
  • It's optional, but I'd also ask for a section on his family, where you'd bullet point names and trades and give some more background content on where he's coming from.

History Verdict: History is what defines and renders attributable the motivations, desires and actions of a being. Giving him one gives him something to draw from.

Skills

  • His skillset appears to be a combination of the Frame Runner and Starship Operator Skillsets. Is this intentional, because it doesn't leave much in terms of civilian skills.
  • If you did it because you wanted him to have skills relevant to being a frame runner, I suggest you just go ahead and make him one. I cannot offer any useful positions for a Starship Operator right now, sorry. Especially with the emphasis of the plot, it would be for the best and offer you the most opportunities to roleplay.
  • Although optional, I suggest you personalize his skills a bit, especially the ones that you want to emphasize in his characterization, and play around a bit more.

Skills Verdict: Make his skills your own. You'll be happier for it.

Inventory

This page is what you need to fill in.

Overall Verdict

This character is in progress. Please post in this thread when you have addressed the concerns of the reviewer.

Feel free to contact me on our IRC at #StarArmy or over forum PM if you have any questions.
 
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... stet_najem
EDIT: added link

i think i did better now.
I changed the name from Bastet to a more manly Xaeb. I kept the last name but put on the history that the Nejem and Najem families have no relation. I know tons of people with the last name smith that aren't related so i figure as long as i put the "a" and you put the "e" it will limit the confusion.

I changed my career to Frame Runner like you suggested and I made the other general infor mation changes you requested.

I'm not that good at descriptions of people even when i have a picture of them or they are right in front of me. so my physical description isn't very good even now that i added a few things to it. Oh and i believe i tried to fix the grammer but i might have missed some so feel free to fix it if you want or if you can't just show me where i messed up so i can change it.

Once again personality is more of something i show better whilest RPing but i did add on to the description.

The history was orignally bare because i couldn't think of one. Then when i was making up his family list i began to see how his history was. Now i think the only thing you might object to is the Abu'nal Meditation. I made that because when i read through the Dreamer's Vigil discription there was only three types of meditation and they all needed some sort of calm. And i thought 'what about those on the battlefeild that need to find their inner peace with what they are doing?" So i looked through the list of "saints" and found a saint similar to what i was thinking about. Abu'nal is about strength and and valor so i thought that it would make since to make a meditation for him to find your inner strength or predetor.

the reason i had mixed those together was because at that time i was thinking that he had been a frame runner and then quickly promoted to piloting starships. So i took out Starship piloting and added in Airship repair because of his twelve years on an airship he knows how to fix any part on an airship either temporaraly or permanently depending on the tools and supplies available.

And i put in the Inventory.
 
Once again personality is more of something i show better whilest RPing but i did add on to the description.
Click to expand...

This is alright. I usually just ask for a few lines outlining his basic personality so I know what to expect/can gauge how well you play this kind of character.

No worries.

the reason i had mixed those together was because at that time i was thinking that he had been a frame runner and then quickly promoted to piloting starships. So i took out Starship piloting and added in Airship repair because of his twelve years on an airship he knows how to fix any part on an airship either temporaraly or permanently depending on the tools and supplies available.
Click to expand...

Frame Runners are like fighter pilots. They're generally better ranked than infantry and operators with the same amount of experience (because they're taking multi-million KD units into the battlefield) and don't really promote to non-com roles until they reach really advanced rankings (-graiv ranks, which are related to the management of a base, battlegroup, fleet or corps).

The history was orignally bare because i couldn't think of one. Then when i was making up his family list i began to see how his history was. Now i think the only thing you might object to is the Abu'nal Meditation. I made that because when i read through the Dreamer's Vigil discription there was only three types of meditation and they all needed some sort of calm. And i thought 'what about those on the battlefeild that need to find their inner peace with what they are doing?" So i looked through the list of "saints" and found a saint similar to what i was thinking about. Abu'nal is about strength and and valor so i thought that it would make since to make a meditation for him to find your inner strength or predetor.
Click to expand...

Please. If you find something you like in the setting and think you can add to it, go ahead. You could even say that he joined a sec/cult (not in the negative way; it more or less means paying particular attention to one patron Saint) of Abu'nal when he enlisted.

I'll be reviewing this in a bit, but I wanted to allay any worries first.

I fixed some errors in spelling and grammar here and there, but didn't touch any of the content. It might be a good idea to run a quick spellcheck through Firefox, since it tends to help me out quite a bit.
 
Everything looks acceptable, although I'll have a few points to bring up on the history.

Basically, learning to fly a frame in a week/teaching someone else to fight in a special style in a week is a bit hard to swallow. A Frame Runner would be given three-month training courses and be expected to take in hundreds of hours of simulated flight time, be given sim examinations and then earn a permit to train using the actual units, in the field.

Using a more realistic time frame would also benefit the relationship with the friend, Pahun, and make it have a bit more of an impact on him.

Don't be afraid to cut loose with backstory!
 
I'm a little bit iffy on the extent of this 'inner predator', but I could probably see it as a kind of self-induced hypnosis that implants aggressive and predatory behaviors in the person at the cost of making them lose touch with their physical limitations. You can kill a bear with your fists today, but regret it the next one.

This character is approved for IC usage.

Your orders will be going up tomorrow. I'll be also opening an IC thread to keep you occupied until we introduce you to the plot properly.
 
thank you and yeah the inner predator is similar to a self-hypnosed state. Infact in Xaeb's mind it is almost multi-personality disorder. Don't worry though he will only use it when the circumstances are dire, he fears it because of what happened to Pahun.
 
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