Star Army
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Approved Character (Black Vipers) Corin "Korr" Blight
- Thread starter nite train
- Start date
Hm.... A few things;
Otherwise pretty good character, Nite. I like it
- I think personality could be a bit more fleshed out then it is, basically all I know about his personality is that he is young spirited, cause age ain't no thang, He has a good deal of likes and dislikes, so personally I can't see why he wouldn't have a bit more detail to his personality.
- He's missing two skills, I don't know if this is what you intended, but if so thats alright. I'm just wanting to make sure.
Otherwise pretty good character, Nite. I like it
nite train
Inactive Member
1. I did mean to work more on the personality, but forgot to finish it, will do!
2. I planned for him to only have 5.
2. I planned for him to only have 5.
Aendri
Inactive Member
I recommend going with the full 7 skills unless you intend him to be someone incredibly lazy. Even just basic stuff would be enough to be a skill, it's just his 7 most pertinent skills.
Did he cook for himself as a kid? Is he in good shape because he's a regular runner, lending itself to a Physical skill? Get inventive. Skills are just another way to flesh a character out a bit, give them some depth. Especially given his age, there's no real excuse for only having 5 remarkably short skills. For example, can he read and write Trade/Lorath (Also, you need to clarify WHICH Lorath language he speaks, since there are no less than 4 FULL languages used by the Lorath, even if you discount slang and common use terms), or is he illiterate? Is he well spoken, or does he still talk like a kid who grew up on the street, 50 years later. Did he learn how to code or encrypt messages, as part of the rings operations? And that's just for Communications.
Also, no leadership skill on someone who kept a bunch of gangbangers and thugs in line and productive for that long? Seems unlikely.
The big thing, for me, is fleshing out what's already there. As Semjax already said, the Personality needs a decent bit more, I usually recommend aiming for a full paragraph, about 4-5 sentences. Especially with his age, there's been plenty of time for his personality to settle into fairly stable lines. How does he make his decisions? Does he tend to take the lead in things? Is he self-confident? How does he feel about other people in general? All in all, explain what DRIVES him to do everything he does. There are times when loquaciousness is unnecessary, but writing about a personality isn't one of them.
In the history, what's up with his dad? You mention he WAS with the Reds, but keep in mind the Reds basically live in exile now, there are damn near none of them in Nepleslia proper at this point, because they've been fighting with the Greens and Blacks for years, and they've been losing rather decisively. So is he still with them, living elsewhere (Yamatai has a fair number of them living there), or has he disassociated himself from the Reds, and started up with someone else (in which case, the Blacks are the most likely, since they damn near run the underworld of Nepleslia singlehandedly)? Perhaps even more importantly, why would Corin step away from his ring? In his 50s, he's likely not going to get many chances to start over and be that successful, so there should be a pretty good reason he left the game, even if he's just switching to something new. Especially given the goal you wrote for him, going from leading a drug ring to being a random pirate is a definite downgrade in earning capability.
I'd also like to just flat out see more out of the history for him. If you're telling me that after FOURTY years living and working on the seedy side of the tracks, everything interesting about him can fit into two paragraphs, I'm calling bullshit. I'm 24, and it would already take several pages (on the conservative side) to describe the awesome, weird, interesting shit that's happened in my life, and that's with me being a fairly quiet, introverted person IRL. Remember, you're not just writing the bullet points, you're trying to make this character COME TO LIFE in our heads, not just yours.
Quick one, but you have two different Inventory headers for no apparent reason.
On the subject of the Inventory, though, again, why is this so barebones? He's been running a criminal organization for all those years, but he has no keepsakes, no unique or weird items he's picked up along the way? No gifts from people who are gone? Make it personal, everyone has certain things that they wouldn't go without if they had a choice. Hand in hand with this is his Finances. You're fine to have more money than the base, so long as you justify it with your history, and I'd say decades running a crime ring would justify some spare cash. If nothing else, what kind of criminal overlord doesn't have a secret stash, just in case something goes wrong? A bugout kit is standard fare, I would think.
Now, with the big edits out of the way... Little stuff.
Apologies if it seems like a lot, but with older characters, there are far less excuses for something to be small or otherwise lacking up front. He's already led a full life, and the profile should reflect that before he ever even enters roleplay.
This character still needs some work.
Did he cook for himself as a kid? Is he in good shape because he's a regular runner, lending itself to a Physical skill? Get inventive. Skills are just another way to flesh a character out a bit, give them some depth. Especially given his age, there's no real excuse for only having 5 remarkably short skills. For example, can he read and write Trade/Lorath (Also, you need to clarify WHICH Lorath language he speaks, since there are no less than 4 FULL languages used by the Lorath, even if you discount slang and common use terms), or is he illiterate? Is he well spoken, or does he still talk like a kid who grew up on the street, 50 years later. Did he learn how to code or encrypt messages, as part of the rings operations? And that's just for Communications.
Also, no leadership skill on someone who kept a bunch of gangbangers and thugs in line and productive for that long? Seems unlikely.
The big thing, for me, is fleshing out what's already there. As Semjax already said, the Personality needs a decent bit more, I usually recommend aiming for a full paragraph, about 4-5 sentences. Especially with his age, there's been plenty of time for his personality to settle into fairly stable lines. How does he make his decisions? Does he tend to take the lead in things? Is he self-confident? How does he feel about other people in general? All in all, explain what DRIVES him to do everything he does. There are times when loquaciousness is unnecessary, but writing about a personality isn't one of them.
In the history, what's up with his dad? You mention he WAS with the Reds, but keep in mind the Reds basically live in exile now, there are damn near none of them in Nepleslia proper at this point, because they've been fighting with the Greens and Blacks for years, and they've been losing rather decisively. So is he still with them, living elsewhere (Yamatai has a fair number of them living there), or has he disassociated himself from the Reds, and started up with someone else (in which case, the Blacks are the most likely, since they damn near run the underworld of Nepleslia singlehandedly)? Perhaps even more importantly, why would Corin step away from his ring? In his 50s, he's likely not going to get many chances to start over and be that successful, so there should be a pretty good reason he left the game, even if he's just switching to something new. Especially given the goal you wrote for him, going from leading a drug ring to being a random pirate is a definite downgrade in earning capability.
I'd also like to just flat out see more out of the history for him. If you're telling me that after FOURTY years living and working on the seedy side of the tracks, everything interesting about him can fit into two paragraphs, I'm calling bullshit. I'm 24, and it would already take several pages (on the conservative side) to describe the awesome, weird, interesting shit that's happened in my life, and that's with me being a fairly quiet, introverted person IRL. Remember, you're not just writing the bullet points, you're trying to make this character COME TO LIFE in our heads, not just yours.
Quick one, but you have two different Inventory headers for no apparent reason.
On the subject of the Inventory, though, again, why is this so barebones? He's been running a criminal organization for all those years, but he has no keepsakes, no unique or weird items he's picked up along the way? No gifts from people who are gone? Make it personal, everyone has certain things that they wouldn't go without if they had a choice. Hand in hand with this is his Finances. You're fine to have more money than the base, so long as you justify it with your history, and I'd say decades running a crime ring would justify some spare cash. If nothing else, what kind of criminal overlord doesn't have a secret stash, just in case something goes wrong? A bugout kit is standard fare, I would think.
Now, with the big edits out of the way... Little stuff.
- Height measurements need the inch notation, not just feet and meters. Also, meters is a lowercase m, not uppercase.
- Weight is measured in kg, not Kg. Again, little stuff, but notation is fairly specific.
- Negotiator isn't a rank in Black Vipers, though looking at the roster, you're not the only one to make that mistake. His rank would be Member or Intern, most likely, Negotiator would be his position.
- In build, "Almost" shouldn't be capitalized.
- His distinguishing features... aren't? Mid life crises are pretty common, looking like you're having one isn't really a great identifier. His skin would probably set him apart more than anything else, based on what you have up there.
- Is there any particular reason he's still using a normal black wristwatch in the day and age where many people have literal digital clocks in their heads? If it's intended to be anachronistic, that's one thing (would also work as part of the distinguishing characteristics), but there's no functional need for them at this point in the human cycle.
- Just in general, run it through M$ Word. Needs a decent number of spelling/grammar fixes, though there's nothing horrifyingly broken.
Apologies if it seems like a lot, but with older characters, there are far less excuses for something to be small or otherwise lacking up front. He's already led a full life, and the profile should reflect that before he ever even enters roleplay.
This character still needs some work.
nite train
Inactive Member
Alright, I reworked the wiki and made sure everything that needs to be there is there.
