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Approved Character Cormac O'Cullen ((independant, no plot))

Hey. I'm Doshii Jun, a vet on the site. After taking a look at Cormac ...

1. The big standout is the history. It's just vague enough that I think we can roll with it, and its length is no issue, but the People's Resistance Front and the wide rebellion on this planet are a little hard to swallow.

Basically, we need a year when it happened and a location. You're introducing something into canon that we haven't written out. We possibly could fit it, but we have to get some bare specifics.

Our timeline should give you an idea of where to start for time, and our Nepleslian planets and information should help with a location.

Do you plan to start an independent thread?
 
that was an issue I was actually worried about, that's why i deliberately kept it vague in the hopes that (to the wider universe) it would pass by unnoticed,I had also imagined his home-world to be relatively newly colonised, little more than a barren moon orbiting an inconsequential world...

I would honestly prefer not to step on any toes and have cannon of any existing planets deliberately altered in such a big way just for a new character. If it would help I can reduce it from rebellion to an extended insurrection or terrorism and limit it's influence to mostly urbanised areas. I honestly intended it to be something that in Cormac's initial mindset appeared to be huge to him, but to the rest of the galaxy was nothing. Perhaps I made it appear bigger than I intended.

As for the year, well given his age... YE 31 would have made sense... Perhaps the insurrection became bolder with the majority of the galaxy concentrated upon the Mishhuvurthyar War?

and on the plot, that would be one part of the plan, the other would be to hang around the "IRC" RP and interact with characters there and see how things go.

thank you for the criticism btw
 
I dig this.

Mostly because this guy would fit in perfectly with the ISC Chimera. I'd love to do some preliminary RP asap good sir.
 
Once we can sort out the issues with it then I'd be more than happy to do some preliminary RP, did you have anything in mind? I think Cormac would fit in rather well with the crew yes

edited to add-

Okay, I did some more digging, from looking at the wiki it seems like the System P1-2 "Kovax" would fit the bill for the style of world were looking for and is large enough for one of the smaller planet(oid)s to be able to be a decent staging ground for a short lived and brutal uprising of some kind, or even just a low level perpetual state of insurrection not unlike general gang warfare I suppose.

Of course I would have to alter the timeline of events slightly I suppose, the colonisation began in Ye 30. I can alter things enough to make Cormac fit this, perhaps make him a couple of years older, that shouldn't be a problem.

2nd edit-

Okay I have made some major edits to Cormac's history, i think it is easier to swallow now, i would appreciate thoughts upon the change
 
Not a problem.

I think if you wanted it to be a small insurrection of sorts within Nepleslia, and confine it to a smaller area (county, state, something small), that'd be fine.

The YE 30 date works, and you should be good to go with that. Lemme know when that's done and I'll get you approved.
 
I'm Sigma, most junior pseudo-FM and GM of the 4th AASP Fleet plot for Nepleslia.

1) Your timeline is screwy. You say he arrived at Kovax in YE 30, five years ago (this currently being YE 35). When he was 19. Then you go on to say he started going to school there when he was 16. Your dates are all screwy.

2) It's "Kovax" not "Korvax."

3) For someone who studied politics, he's very quick to condemn a government that's only a few years old. If anyone really studies history and political science, the mere fact that Nepleslia could even start colonial drives and expansion two years after its independence and a civil war with the Reds is a testament to how tenacious it is. Iron fist? We just came out of a huge fight and trying to get onto our feet. Of course the government is going to be all-controlling to prevent its plans from derailing.

4)
I think if you wanted it to be a small insurrection of sorts within Nepleslia, and confine it to a smaller area (county, state, something small), that'd be fine.
Nope, nothing that small. A whole moon became a battleground in this history.

This is, essentially, a retcon to say that there was a second civil war during the same time that we got involved in the 2nd Mishhu War. That means MoonMan will need to get involved. Not really something that we can let slide, especially to the degree where NSN and NSMC forces are deployed. If they're there, it means the IPG was there as well and there's going to have be an explanation about why they dropped the ball on that one very badly.

Especially with things like "gas bombs that went off in a number of the more densely populated areas." To approve this character is to rewrite Nepleslian history. And THAT isn't happening without the Faction Manager's approval.

5) Skills - Use them.

6) Hot linking to external image hosting websites is prohibited. If you are going to use images, you must upload them to the SARP wiki. In addition, it must be original work or something that belongs to you. That image is from STALKER, which is the Intellectual Property of THQ and not allowed. You may not use the Intellectual Property of other people or companies.

Overall, this character is not going to fly as it is simply because the history involves Nepleslia in a conflict that has to be retconned in. As one of the veteran Nep players said to me about this submission, "Too many elements in his history requires full tech/setting articles to use." You cannot just come in here and foist a major civil war into our history and expect it to be okay. MoonMan has been notified; Character Mods, please hold off until someone from Nepleslia's leadership says we've given this the greenlight.

If the player wishes, he is free to contact MoonMan, Kokuten or myself directly via Forum PM or the IRC channel. I'm not saying it cannot pass at all; just that it cannot pass as it is.
 
No no, If it's a problem i'll alter it again, that doesn't bother me, and apologies I changed the timeline and forgot to re-calculate dates, I'll relook at all of that.

On the political thing, I should probably have made that more clear in psychology that he was young overly idealistic and essentially just drawn into it over misguided passions, just because he's studied something doesn't mean that he took it in, in a constructive way, people like to lash out.

I apologise for stepping on so many toes, I kind of had the impression that the universe was less... Well lets go with stable but that's my fault. Again, sorry.

I'll mark it as a Work in progress on the wiki and spend a couple more days messing around with this, downscaling altering things and I'll send you a forum PM when I think that it's less... Canon-altering

Thanks for the feedback, it's helpful.
 
You could always make up a planet.

Let me get some rest and I will try to help you.
 
Ira, the point is that adding the civil war is the issue, it doesn't matter WHAT Nepleslian planet he puts it on. Until that's been okayed by Moonie, I don't think this goes any further, because that's a fairly major historical event we're adding that apparently nobody else in the setting even noticed. Like Sigma said, it's not that it can't ever happen, it's that it needs some serious thought and work if it's going to happen at all. Something that could have a potential impact on the setting in a major way (which a civil war qualifies as) needs to be carefully considered.
 
Yeah, I'm beginning to understand what I'm actually asking, I'm going to strike the whole civil war thing, it's really not fair of me to push anything like that given that I'm so new, I'm working on something different that shouldn't cause as many problems.
 
We appreciate you working with us, Cormac. So you know, I defer to Sigma when it comes to Nepleslia; he is its most active authority.
 
The character himself looks solid enough. Good detail in his descriptions and personality. My fellow Nepleslian GM Sigma and Aendri are correct in their concerns for Cormac's history, however. Sigma may seem a bit heavy-handed, but his concerns are valid. I too am a apprehensive to passing this, for a few easily fixable reasons.

---

Firstly, I myself am a bit concerned with the fact that this Civil War seemed to take precedence over Cormac's history; it reads like you are describing the civil war first and Cormac's participation second. I am not a character mod, and I actually have little jurisdiction over this character as Cormac is actually labeled as independent.

If you are to rewrite this history setting, I strongly suggest trimming it down to details that pertain directly to Cormac. I admire that you wish to describe the Civil War properly, but it seems to take precedence over Cormac, in his own biographical page.

Secondly, the Civil War itself. Nepleslia isn't one to shirk against a struggle. In fact, a Civil War is quite proper for the nation. However, my concern is that something of this caliber would have been dealt with by our military once it escalated to the point of the local government 'losing control' of the situation. And given how tense things are with the NMX currently, the Star Military would have dealt a very swift and very firm hand in silencing this civil disorder; sort of a "we don't have time for this nonsense" heavy-handed reaction.

The only reason our last Civil War with the Nepleslian Reds was considered an ordeal was because the entire planet of Kennewes was essentially against the reigning government party. And even they didn't last all that long.

My advice here would be consider rewriting this Civil War and bringing it down a few levels into something of a "very bad street war". Anything below the point where the local Kovax Government would consider things "out of their control" would work fine, because at the very least, it will safely keep our military from making an example of the rebellion. The gas bombs are actually fine; I imagine our colonial Nepleslian communities deal with that jibberjabber every day, or worse. This civil unrest can still butt heads with the local government, but not enough to the point where Kovax officials would request help from Nepleslia's military to regain control.

You don't have to strike it completely. Simply alteration of the scale should suffice.

---

On the tone of issues of lesser importance, your skills section could use some work. My personal usage of the skills section involves naming the skill (obtained from the list of skills) and simply explaining how the character uses said skill. Throw some of his personality in the description of Cormac using the skill and it will really pop out and help us identify with the guy a lot more. As an example, the first skill exerted from my linked article.


It's not a requirement to do it this way, by any means, but in the form of me giving you advice, it would be this; a little description goes a long way in conveying your character.




Overall, though, I get a good feeling from the character. You put some good detail in his description and personality, and you made a very good effort with the history. Although it may not appear we appreciated it, I personally liked the thought you put into it. It says good things about you as a player.

If you have any further questions about Nepleslia as a setting, feel free to ask me. It's my job, after all.
 
thank you, although i wouldn't say sigma was being overly heavy handed. I overstepped my boundaries here even if it was unintentional, I am glad you think the character himself is solid enough.

I'm going to ask everyone to be patient for a day or so while i sort out the character and make it more acceptable and then I will post here again when it's edited and I'd be really appreciative of any feedback you can give me.

Thank you all again

((on a different note, is it acceptable to keep my avatar as part of the stalker concept art or would it be best for me to remove it?))
 
Avatars don't need to be anything. It's just an image.

Like mine. It's just a mishhu bug wearing several hats.
 
Cormac: I apologize for it taking so long for your character to get OKed. You're clearly a very capable roleplayer and I appreciate that you've made an above-and-beyond effort in creating your first character. Due to the size of his history, it's taking some time to digest and the players posting in the thread are just trying to make sure it doesn't contradict the known universe. I really, really appreciate you being so patient and flexible and I'm sorry if you got a negative first impression.

Moonman: Would it be a problem to just assimilate the gang conflict described in the biography to the history of that planet? It might be good flavoring to provide more sources of conflict and plot hooks. If not, maybe Cormac can use the Reds vs Greens conflict? It's only a few years earlier. Moonman, could you post the important details on that for Cormac?
 
I didn't get a negative first impression, don't worry I'm mulling over a number of options at the moment, I have a few different drafts written out I'm just debating which I prefer.

I probably won't have a final until tomorrow evening, maybe tonight if I stop being indecisive
 
okay, double post apologies but I have completely overhauled his character sheet.

Ira gave me the okay to use Vice, and so I've moved Cormac's homeworld to there and the history is very altered, i've also improved the skills as suggested.

I'd appreciate feedback on the new character sheet, thanks all
 
Character approved. That's a heck of a bio.
 
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