Alright, let's see what we got.
1. That he has a stepfather is very interesting ... personally, I'd rather see him alive than dead, but I don't think you'd get much interaction with him. Still, it'd make for some interesting drama. It's a dynamic that's yet to be explored here. Then again, the stepfather is a criminal, so, eh.
2. Holy Jesus. He's one skinny-ass tall dude.
3. So he has heterochromatic eyes, ala David Bowie? Why is that?
4.
Almost completely black hair? Why not entirely black?
5. The cybernetics are something you're going to have to detail for us. We need to know what they do. In case you want to buy parts with some details already fleshed out in them, go
here. I see that the stepfather is the one who purchased said cybernetics; just don't forget
Batou's Golden Rule (a cyber arm might have a lot of power, but the fleshy part it's attached to might not).
6. Let's talk personality some. He's an armorer, or so it sounds, and though he's appreciated by soldiers, he doesn't return the lurve. That's good ... but the history suggests that he should be able to work well with people, considering he seemed to be getting oiled up to become a crime boss. Can he work well with people?
There's also the matter of that history. It's a bit much -- was this a small crime family, possibly an underling of the Blacks? We need to know this; if the stepfather is very high in the ranks, chances are your character would just be dead -- nevermind how we don't want to see history written, but roleplayed out.
Last, but most important -- your grammar needs work, man. I can't understand some of what you're trying to say because it's misspelled or put together wrong.
- What is a ratia?
- What age was Andrew taken in?
- " ... envious criminal was Dwarven's right hand, he killed both -- " Killed who? The right-hand man AND Dwarven? At 16, that's one impressive feat, and very unlikely. You'd better tell us how.
- If he's working in a factory, how is he getting good pay?
- This is Nepleslia -- if he lost his arm in the factory, insurance is probably not going to cover it. It's a convenient contrivence, but unlikely.
- Also: this dude's pretty unlucky.
7.
SKILLS: The streets of [*]Nepleslia ARE rough, dear supposed street urchin, but you were busy working for a small crime family. If you're going to have the Trifecta of Awesomeness (Fighting, Survival, Rogue) you need to tell us what he did for the crime family to earn those skills.
It should be noted that, with those skills, your guy's not going to be terribly book smart.
8. In your skills: You use
"perfect" and
"almost perfect" a lot. Don't. He's 24; he's not perfect at anything yet -- unless you want to narrow things down. In fact, let's do just that.
- You need to choose whether to be a pilot or a mechanic. You don't get to be both.
- If he turned his back on the Rogue skills, you need to tell us when. If it's been a while, the higher ends of those skills will be rusty.
- Working in a factory for eight years doesn't make one into a perfect mechanic -- unless he was doing fleet maintenance there on factory vehicles or something. Specifics will help here.
- Drop strategy. Just drop it. Trust me, he hasn't got that skill yet. That one should develop in the setting.
- Just a note on "perfect English:" no one on this site can use perfect English, and that includes you. That your character can use "perfect English" is a claim you won't be able to live up to in the RP, so I'd take it out.
HOKAY! So, in sum -- DETAILS. You're going for a character that, while he doesn't sound overpowered, per se, he sounds special. We frown upon special here -- we want a character to
become special through the roleplay. If you keep that idea in mind, you'll do fine.
Tom is your GM for Nepleslia. He will be giving final approval on this character. Good work!
