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Approved Submission [Ersetu] Sick and hurt Board

HotelKilo

HotelKilo

Inactive Member
Submission Type: Naval Administrative Body
Submission URL: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=faction:kishargal:navy:sick_and_hurt_board

Faction: The Constitutional Dominion of Ersetu
FM Approved Yet? Yes (3/7/17)
Faction requires art? No

For Reviewers:
Contains Unapproved Sub-Articles? No
Contains New art? No
Previously Submitted? No

Notes:
First part of establishing Royal Navy administrative services
 
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The introduction should be about 2 sentences long, then comes an about section. That can be much, much longer. But as it stands now, your intro is way too long.

The Royal Navy of Ersetu link is an unapproved subarticle. I would recommend not linking to it.

"...of a bane then a blessing..." Should be than.

You only mention Victualing Board twice and I get no sense what they do, just who they work with.

Needs text between these two lines (New headers require text below them):
Sick and Hurt Board Appointments

Surgeons

"Much fewer and number, they do..." In number, perhaps?

Pretty long and pretty good!
 
Changes made.

The only thing that, to me, can't be helped is the vagueness of the Victualing Board. They're another parallel organization that will have their own article (soon) that can be linked. It wasn't, to avoid linking an unapproved article (me having not noticed that the Royal Navy article wasn't approved). Other then the limited overlap with Prisoners, information on them isn't really germane to the article, in my opinion.
 
RPG-D RPGfix
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