Approved Character Feperte Schoneit

[Samuraipizzaman]

This is an Abwehran character for the up and coming plotship:
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... e_schoneit

 

[Scot]

Hey Samuraipizzaman! I wanted to review some things, and point a few things out. I don't review characters much, so I'm just pointing out things that probably needs more flushing out or small edits.

Species- Add Nightwalker, since there are two sub-species of Abwehran.

Personality- Ok, she hates men, but does she hate girls too? This feels more like a Dislike than belongs to personality. Also note that snipers work in pairs typically, one shooter and one spotter. I won't sweat that detail considering the plot your going to be in however.

So instead elaborate on the lone wolf, is she someone who, during battle, ignores orders sometimes to do her own thing? Or is she just prefer to do things alone? What is she like on and off work?

Do mind these are just a few questions to maybe help you out.

History- Feels very barebones, so skinny in fact it's hardly a paragraph long! Perhaps establish a reason she is a lone wolf, or a reason for joining the military.

My character for instance was annoyed by her family and so joined the military to get away from them.

Skills-

Please check this wiki link, it shows a list of professions and one of them is the sniper.

https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ab ... tte#sniper

Also if you were trained to be a sniper leader, your rank would be too low I believe (I'll let Commander decide on that) though honestly I would hope you use your remaining skills on making your character the way you want her, rather on combat skills you may or may not need. I suggest not being a "sniper leader" since it will probably not fit in the confines of the plot that you will be entering, which will feature one player squad, and not focus solely on sniping (such as boarding a ship isn't going to require too much sniping).

My suggestion is take out leadership, and merge the two militaries. You only need one military, then list the things under it your good at. If you have looked at the wiki link I gave you, you will know what one of those things are going to be. This will give you 2 free spaces to play with, try to use one of them to define your character, rather than just the career.

Conclusion

In the end, I am not the decider on your character, I leave that to Commander and the character Mod. If you need me further please do PM me or contact me via Yahoo MSN (which is Scot and on my Forum profile) or via Star Army IRC (I use Mibbit, ask if you need help with that).

Also don't feel like you have to rush, I'm waiting on Commander on a few things before we can actually get the plot out of space dock. Anyway I hope to see your eventual acceptance.

 

[Revolver]

Not one part of this character application says to me you spent any sort of effort on it. Your descriptions are sparse and lacking content. At the very least, you might want to take a look at https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=abwehran_pre-rpg_timeline and integrate your character with the history. How did she live through the events she did? How did it help mold her into the person she is? With a neko, perhaps a short history is okay if they've just been plopped out of the cloning tanks, but this appears to be someone with years of background.

She comes from a large family, but never spent time with them? What? Why? How? These are questions that should be answered on the page. You use "and expected" referring to her going into sniper training. Again, why? There's barely a skeleton of a character here and you'd do well to flesh it out.

 

[Abwehran Commander]

I'd like to thank Scot for pointing out a variety of problems I was having with the character sheet. He pretty much pointed out all of the ones that were most apparent, but now I'd like to help a bit more.

The help being a few links to pages that could aid in building your character:

Pre-RPG History: This page should help with history development since it points out major events during a period of time the character would be alive in. Of course, it would only be the end part that should affect Feperte.

Nightwalkers: The Nightwalker page has a lot of cultural information that could aid you in both personality and history. If you need some ideas, you could always glance this over.

Basic Skills: I'd also like to point out that you are missing some of the basic skills all Abwehran Soldiers are required to have. You're the second person this has happened to, so I should probably highlight it out a bit more.

Anyway, I hope the information provided will be helpful.

 

[Doshii Jun]

Scot, Revolver: While I appreciate you guys making points about a character, in the future please let the FM or a reviewer take first crack. Players are under no obligation to listen to anything you guys say, and it could conflict with what the FM or the reviewer says.

Thanks guys.

EDIT: Just been told Scot's a GM for Abwehr. He's OK.

 

[Samuraipizzaman]

Personality- Ok, she hates men, but does she hate girls too? This feels more like a Dislike than belongs to personality. Also note that snipers work in pairs typically, one shooter and one spotter. I won't sweat that detail considering the plot you're going to be in however.

It said that she likes men but doesn't want to settle down and have a family as of yet. Yeah I know I did read the Wiki lol

History- Feels very barebones, so skinny in fact it's hardly a paragraph long! Perhaps establish a reason she is a lone wolf, or a reason for joining the military.

My character for instance was annoyed by her family and so joined the military to get away from them.

I know I was planning on working on that, but it felt like the Culture aspect took a lot from what I was going to say lol. And my reason is similar to yours.

Skills-

Please check this wiki link, it shows a list of professions and one of them is the sniper.

https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ab ... tte#sniper

Also if you were trained to be a sniper leader, your rank would be too low I believe (I'll let Commander decide on that) though honestly I would hope you use your remaining skills on making your character the way you want her, rather on combat skills you may or may not need. I suggest not being a "sniper leader" since it will probably not fit in the confines of the plot that you will be entering, which will feature one player squad, and not focus solely on sniping (such as boarding a ship isn't going to require too much sniping).

My suggestion is take out leadership, and merge the two militaries. You only need one military, then list the things under it your good at. If you have looked at the wiki link I gave you, you will know what one of those things are going to be. This will give you 2 free spaces to play with, try to use one of them to define your character, rather than just the career.

I did do the skills on the link but I felt that Rouge(stealth) and Military(Camouflage) should be combined into one. I agree with your opinion on leadership however i think Survival and Stealth/Camouflage are two entirely different skill sets and should not be combined.

How did she live through the events she did?

Problem is she is only 7 years old in AY so she isn't old enough to have seen much of anything.

The help being a few links to pages that could aid in building your character:

Pre-RPG History: This page should help with history development since it points out major events during a period of time the character would be alive in. Of course, it would only be the end part that should affect Feperte.

Nightwalkers: The Nightwalker page has a lot of cultural information that could aid you in both personality and history. If you need some ideas, you could always glance this over.

Basic Skills: I'd also like to point out that you are missing some of the basic skills all Abwehran Soldiers are required to have. You're the second person this has happened to, so I should probably highlight it out a bit more.

Anyway, I hope the information provided will be helpful.

I did read all of those Wiki's before making my character, and I understand that personality and History needs to be fleshed out and that is what I'm doing, but I do not see the missing required skills.


Once again I am currently fleshing out my character and i haven't finished with that yet i just wanted to point out some issues i had with the arguements before continuing my flesh out.

 

[Abwehran Commander]

I did read all of those Wiki's before making my character, and I understand that personality and History needs to be fleshed out and that is what I'm doing, but I do not see the missing required skills.

The missing required skills are found at the Basic Skills Link:

Communications:
Your character is fluent in Abwehran and Trade, after contact with the Star Army of Yamatai, and knows the proper procedures to write reports and fill out military documents. You can also know basic operations of shipboard communications systems and standard military communication equipment.

Fighting
Your character has received training in basic close quarter combat using hand-to-hand, knife, and sword combat techniques. Your training has also included firearms training with mass-driver pistols and rifles.

Technology Operations
You can operate shipboard computer systems efficiently and can enter/search for information. Basic operations of ship systems and skinsuits is also included in the training.

Mathematics
Unlike most militaries, your training requires you to learn basic calculus along with algebra and trigonometry.

Many of these can be combined with the skills you already have, such as Long-range Marksmanship going under Fighting.

 

[Doshii Jun]

I'm giving this one a week.

 

[Samuraipizzaman]

Sorry it took so long. I have been busy lately. Anyway I made a massive edit to the skills and i added more to her Pre-RP history.

 

[Abwehran Commander]

Well, I noted that you corrected the majority of what we were having problems with.

I just want to point out a couple more things before handing this over to the Mods.

1) Are you sure you can't flesh out the Personality and History a bit more? A little more description or something? If the creative well is dry on that, then it will have to do.

2) Did you decided to remove Long Range Marksmanship from the character entirely? It doesn't seem to be in Fighting.

Once those two things are done, it's the Character Mods turn.

 

[Scot]

In my opinion, most of the personality is dislikes rather than how they behave. The only thing I see IS personality is lone wolf, and cold attitude.

While personality is something I would never hold a person on, I suggest looking at it again once more. It doesn't exactly tells you how they would act if say, met a silly person other than act like Sasuke and ignore im'.

Other than the lack of a sniper related skill in fighting, I like the replacement skills.

 

[Samuraipizzaman]

I did in fact forget to add the Long range- marksmanship back in. Thank you for noticing that.

Also I will reread the personality and history and try to see if I can think of add-ons to them.

EDIT: I added her relationship with her designated spotter from sniper corps.

 

[Abwehran Commander]

It's your turn Character Mods.

 

[Doshii Jun]

She has no interest in men, or a family ... but she wants to get married as soon as she can to her spotter?

I'm forced to agree with Revolver here. This is a pretty light bio for a veteran. And seems primarily to be nothing but a fighter character.

 

[Samuraipizzaman]

She has no interest in men, or a family ... but she wants to get married as soon as she can to her spotter?

I'm forced to agree with Revolver here. This is a pretty light bio for a veteran. And seems primarily to be nothing but a fighter character.

She does have interest in men. I have said that twice now. However currently(since she is busy with her military career) she isn't going to get married.

And she isn't a veteran she is just out of training.

 

[Doshii Jun]

I meant a veteran player, not a character. Sorry about that.

You might want to reword that by saying, "She's not interested in men because she's going to get married someday." That'd clear it up.

I'm not seeing anything else that's stopping me from approving it. It just feels like a weak character.

 

[Samuraipizzaman]

I fixed that i also added her parent's names and alfons to the family and friends area

 

[Doshii Jun]

This character is approved for IC usage.