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  • 📅 December 2024 is YE 46.9 in the RP.

Approved Character Iella Remi

Well, first off you need a distinguishing feature of some sort. Even if she's completely average that distinguishes her in a way.

On the history, you can kinda just work on the idea of a family on Earth, centered somewhere on the planet of Yamatai instead of Earth. Once you have the history, We'll help you work out any details which don't work with the setting.

Personality is confusing, to me. Why would I describe her as passionate, if she comes off as cold and distant? And how can she be so passionate if she takes a laid back route in learning anything new?
 
Alright, I am going to work on it a little bit and then I will resend.

Edit: I worked a bit on the personality and history and gave my character some distinguishing features. I hope this works.
 
Okay, first things first, drop the leadership skill. Both from the history and the skill list. I can't actually require you to do it, but I really do recommend it. Not only do you have to start out at the lowest rank, but you probably won't be leading any groups for a while, and leadership is really an easy skill to justify adding later on. It seems too much like you're just trying to create a character who will start right out, get picked out by officers as a leader, and get quickly promoted. Don't try that with the profile, do so with your roleplay. If you play your character well, and play them as a leader, you'll get your dues, regardless of what your skill list shows.

Next, you didn't really add a history, you added why she's in the military. While that's part of the history, it's not her total history. What did she do in school? Were there any boys? Did she have friends? Anything interesting at all happen between her birth and the day she joined the military? Because the way it's written now, I have no clue about any of that.

Under features this
Iella believes that her bright green eyes reflect her passion
Click to expand...
should be removed. Her belief is not a physical feature, it's a psychological one. The purpose of that section is so that if you handed your photo to a professional artist, they could come damn close to drawing the character with little to no input from you. Do I expect you to pull that off? No, I have trouble with it too. But I do expect you to paint a picture with your words (My English teachers would be so proud of me for that).

For all of your skills, I would honestly say you should personalize them. For the boilerplate skills, you can add more stuff on, make them HER skills. I find it hard to believe that with parents who were drilling her for the military from day 1 she has no combat capability outside of what she was taught in basic. With her devotion to physicality, why not add in a martial art?

Besides that, tell us what she is capable of. In most of the skills it tells why she has them, but not what they are, really. In survival, you say why she has it, and that she could survive and track things where others couldn't. Like where? Survive how? Build shelter, hunt food...

There should be everything that is in your head about that character on the page. Even stuff other characters don't know about, it should be on the wiki page. That's for people to look at, and be able to work with your information, not for every character in the roleplay to know.
 
Okay, round three, then it's up to Doshii or brian to approve the character.

I blame my own phrasing for this, but you can't reference modern day martial arts. Just state that she studied martial arts, and a focus for her, like throws, or striking. Since there's no Earth in the setting, we don't have Earth's martial arts.

In the description, remove the birthmark. I'm pretty sure the Yamataian body would erase that just like scars, and more to the point, I'm not sure why she would keep it when she transferred bodies. You can leave it for Doshii or Brian to have final say if you want, but I'm pretty sure that's how it works.

And I speak for myself here, but seeing my dead buddies (of which there are actually a few) show up in my dreams would freak the shit out of me.

Under Technology, remove the reference to accessing classified files. All Kessaku systems that would have classified files would also have an AI to prevent accidental access, and more to the point, would have some hardcore security.

Under physical, I would remove the statement that her skill makes her a useful soldier. Let the others who are RPing with you decide that. Dodging won't be too useful, to be perfectly honest. Remember, this is a space age situation. She'd have to dodge bullets to be useful, and I ain't gonna let you put that in her profile.

Overall, it's a great job. It's really detailed, and I can really get a feel for the character. I honestly don't mind doing this, or I wouldn't have accepted when they made me a reviewer. Remember, I might be RPing with her too, so it's in my best interests to help you make her a good character.

But, to conclude, I recommend the approval of this character, pending the changes I've suggested.
 
As a suggestion for the martial arts, say instead, so and so fighting skill that is LIKE kick boxing. Basically make up your own name for it as Aendri says we don't use Earth martial arts.

As for physical I would also point out that "dodging" isn't just about dodging bullets, but in a military setting it's mostly what your up against. Realistically dodge would be useful against knives, rocks, and a melee opponent, all of which would be covered by your fighting skill too.

As for speed running I can see how that would work out, since your character seems like a scout oriented grunt, much like how I would want to make one as well (though more on marksmen if you know what I mean : P)

Also as a suggestion, you might want to replace Knowledge with something fun like drawing or music. I say from experience that it's not really a needed skill, especially for a Santo hei and can be learned as time goes on.
 
Ok, just a few nits, I fixed some typos and added some wiki links.

You say she has long hair, can you give an indicator of how long, because just saying long is subjective. Is it down to her shoulder blades, small of her back, does it reach to her knees.

With regards to her eyes, what shape are they? round, almond shaped, slanted.

Since Iella would have started out as either a Nepleslian or Geshrin (body type) when & why did she change to a Yamataian.

You might also want to change the name of one of her friends since its the same as her fathers to avoid confusion.

Once these nits are taken care of, update the forum and you will be ready for the next step.

Nashoba.
 
Okay, one small addendum but I'm not going to hold up approval for it.

The Yamataian body became available in YE-27, We just entered YE-32 so she would have been 16 when she upgraded not a little girl.

Also on your user page, you might want to remove your email address. Folks on the site can use the PM feature or the email link under your id. Having it on the page means a spammer might find it and get you.

Approved.

You are ready for the next step. Go to this link and put in for orders for your character.

Request for Orders

Welcome to the SARP.
 
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