Alrighty-o, here's the review I promised for
Isabelle Kazuko:
- Would you mind adding her weight to the Physical Description and fleshing the section out a bit more?
- Similarly, would you mind adding a bit more detail to the Personality section, please?
- The History section, however, definitely needs more detail - and is something that I have multiple questions about:
- Firstly, as @Arbitrated stated above, where exactly was Isabelle born? Was it on Elysia, on New Elysia, or onboard a ship during the exodus from the former to the latter?
- As @ArsenicJohn stated here "Kazuko" is a rather Yamataian-sounding name - and it's unfortunately one that I cannot approve of. Having "Kazuko" as a surname in that time period - especially in YE 18, during which Elysia suffered their third defeat against Yamatai - would have been tantamount to a death sentence, given that it would have clearly identified one as a "heathen in support of the barbarians."
- Though I'm not going to make it a requirement for my approval (in contrast to the above), I'd also recommend changing Isabelle's first name - and the names of her parents and siblings - to something more along the lines of what's mentioned in this section of the Elysian Character Creation Guide. Here are five name generators I'd recommend using if you're stumped for ideas.
- Where did Isabelle's mother serve as an archivist at? Who did her father work for? What was Isabelle's relationship with her brother and her parents?
- Not to be rude, but I'm going to have to disagree with the claim that Isabelle had a "pretty normal childhood," as, well, her entire species just settled on a completely new planet after being exiled from the world that had been their home for over four thousand years - and what about the Fourth Elysian War, the First Misshuvurthyar War, or the Second Mishhuvurthyar War?
- For that matter, where did Isabelle spend her childhood, anyways? New Elysia?
- After twenty-nine years of existence Isabelle has to have made a few friends. Does she stay in touch with them? What is/was her relationship with them?
- Going back to her Personality, what caused her to hate "when someone intentionally sabotages her work or a machine that makes more work for her[?]" Was their a specific incident that caused her to dislike "anyone [who] brings negativity into a situation that she has managed to keep positive" - and who got her hooked on alcoholic beverages?
- There regrettably is simply no way Isabelle would have been able to enlist in the Nepleslian military - not with Nepleslia's extreme dislike of Elysians, not with the two nearly having gone to war in the past (as @Zack can confirm, given that I'm fairly certain he was there for the negotiations that occurred in the NSS Alliance plotship), and not with most Nepleslians still believing that Elysia was responsible for the Great Plague of YE 08. That being said, however, would you mind commenting on this, @Gunhand4171?
- With the above in mind, how would Isabelle even have met Jack Pine in the first place - and if they did somehow meet, what was the event that "brought them closer together?"
- Would you mind adding a bit more detail to the Social Connections section, please? For example:
- How old are Isabelle's parents? Is her brother older or younger? What about the friends I mentioned earlier?
- Are any of the above individuals still alive? If not, what was/were the cause(s) of death?
- Like the above, would you mind expanding the skills listed in the Skills Learned section, please? Like the History section, I also have a few questions about them:
- For Communications, would you please explain what "other species[sic] languages" Isabelle is familiar with (and where, when, and how she acquired such knowledge), and where, when, and which military trained her in "standard knowledge of basic military communications[?]" Lastly, there is no such thing as "English" in the Star Army setting - it's referred to as Trade, instead.
- For Vehicles, would you please explain what specific kinds of vehicles (i.e. mecha, ground vehicles, helicopters, shuttles, strike craft, etc.) Isabelle knows how to "fully operate, maintain, and repair...[?]," where, when, and how she acquired such knowledge, and (if said knowledge extends to military vehicles) when, where, and which military trained her?
- For Medical, would you please explain what exactly qualifies as "intermediate first aid[?] and where, when, and how Isabelle become proficient in the healing arts?
- For Starship Operations, would you please explain what exactly "Intermediate understanding in the operation of most space crafts and vessels" entails and where, when, and how Isabelle was taught these things?
- Engineering should be labeled as Maintenance and Repair, as Engineering is related more to the "theoretical" aspects of technology - and would you please explain specifically is "most things" and where, when, and how Isabelle learned this skillset?
- I notice that Isabelle only has five (out of the allowed seven) skill areas utilized, which is an issue I strongly encourage you to rectify, as not having seven skills will only limit her potential abilities further down the line.
- I've also noticed that Fighting wasn't included in the Skills Learned section. It's your choice whether or not to include it, of course - but a word of warning: Characters without the Fighting skill have no knowledge of fighting or self-defense at all. They cannot perform even the most basic of self-defense techniques, are at risk of injuring themselves with any kind of melee implement, cannot hit the broad side of a barn with any type of firearm (even when standing next to said barn), and so on. They will be injured and/or die very, very, very quickly in any kind of combat situation.
- Last but no least is Isabelle's Inventory & Finance section. Browsing through it, I saw a couple of things that needed attention; fortunately, though, they're all fair minor fixes.
- Would you mind adding a "Finance" section (with Isabelle's equipment purchases deducted from it, please? If you need help with either the wiki code or the number-crunching, shoot me a PM and I'll gladly assist you with the process; here on Star Army, characters start with 3,000 KS (or an equivalent amount, such as 15,000 AR or 6,000 DA.
- What exactly are "Basic Engineering Tools[?]" One of the civilian-grade Portable Repair Kits? (Also, @Wes, how much do they cost?)
- When, where, and how did Isabelle come into possession of Jack's dog tags, UCK-M01A Utility Combat Knife, and his (non-regulation) black leather jacket?
- There is no band named "evenessance" within the Star Army setting, nor is there one named "Evanescence." There is, however, one named My Aetherical Loving that I think is similar.
- There is no such material as "Alexandrite" within the Star Army setting.
- DataJockeys are not available in "cerulean and white," nor do they fit into wallets - they're simply too large.
Once the above changes are made, I'll be more than happy to approve Isabelle.
Now, before someone comes in and says I'm being too harsh/strict/etc. on
@White Wolf for political/personal/etc. reasons - I'm not. The fact that this character is for
188604, the plot run by
@Zack, has no bearing whatsoever on any of the comments I made above; rather, I made said comments because I feel that in implementing them
@White Wolf will acquire a better understanding of the Star Army setting, and, more importantly, improve the depth of their character.
@White Wolf None of those last three points were meant as personal attacks, mind you, nor am I attempting to discourage you from enjoying SARP, rather he first is reflective of the fact that I (like most of Star Army's "veteran" members, I'm guessing) learned nearly everything I know about SARP by discovering new information while searching for an answer to a question someone else asked - and I still learn new things every day. What I'm trying to say is that...it simply takes
time to find (and process) all of the information on the wiki - and that by delving deeper into Isabelle's backstory, you'll find a lot of fascinating tidbits of lore buried deep within the lines of wiki code.
The second, if you'll excuse me for being blunt, is because you know what? My
fourth character,
Sakurai Sayoko (submitted back in the ancient era of 2015 when we had to write posts on scrolls of parchment with quill pens and use carrier pigeons to deliver them), wasn't very...detailed either, particularly if you look at
the very first draft of her - but I kept at it. I stuck around, continued to read the wiki, and even though I eventually ceased to RP with her - a decision I regret to this day - I learned. I learned, and when I went back to Sayoko's original character concept - a brilliant-yet-flawed
Nekovalkyrja in
Star Army Intelligence -
Hayashi Akiko was the vastly improved result. The point I'm trying to make is: Do
not be intimidated by that huge wall of text I just wrote, because - like
@Aendri did with me in the past - I'm here to help make Isabelle the very best she can be and make her as fun to roleplay as possible.