Re: Jen Kellson
Name: Kesson or Kellson?
Age: 2?
Build: Well built ... what's that mean, exactly? Lean but not muscular? A runner's physique?
Facial: Kitten ... to lion. What do you mean? Does she get kind of ugly when she is angry? Perhaps twists into something else?
Hair: Cut to military style ... so buzzed off?
Distinguishing feature: She has a cybernetic eye that has a homing beacon in it. That's different, and not necessarily a negative thing ... but why the video feed? 50 feet's not very far, but more importantly, what's the practical purpose of it? Why is it there?
Can we also get some details on the actual beacon's power? Range? Frequency type? Encrypted, perhaps? Is her brain shielded from the frequency, if required at all?
Why did her parents put it there?
History: What's the company? What did the father invent that made him rich? Where did the family live on Nepleslia, or did they live on a colony?
Could Jennifer's mother see past her acting at all? Did she not have any suspicion at all?
Why did Jennifer want to join the military, other than to escape? Why exactly did the uncle help, as "so they could no longer keep him in blackmail against his suspicious connections" is too vague to understand.
How did Elizabeth help Jennifer escape?
Overall: Not bad, but it needs more. You're throwing in just enough detail that you leave a reader with questions. Think them through. Answer it out. Lord knows I wish I had with Yukari! Also, go back through and make sure you fill in all the "blanks" — specifically skills and your finances (-name-).
This character is in progress. Please address the list of edits above, then bump the thread stating you've done so.