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Kingdom of Neshaten (Faction Page)

Kyle

Insane Story Writer Foxy
Inactive Member
Submission Type: Faction
Submission URL: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ki ... f_neshaten

For Reviewers:
Contains Unapproved Sub-Articles? Yes
Previously Submitted? Nope

Notes:

Other than the main page, I'm also submitting a few others with this, keep in mind that while there are other links on the faction page, not all of those are up for approval as I am still working on those.

Also, I'm aware that FTL-Inhibition fields no longer really exist, as Yamatai and pretty much all other factions have figured out a way around them and have the technology. The Nesha's 'do not' have that kind of technology 'yet' so I'd like it if that could stay in place for the time being until the tech is submitted for that.

Otherwise, in relation to the history, I tried to write up the history well enough so that it's certain that the technology that is displayed in their 'past' can't really be recreated. There are a few things, naturally, such as their STL and FTL systems.

Also, for the planets, they are located in the same system. Lemia Prime is located inward while Lemia Four is located outward, they both inhabit the same star system though.

https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=neshaten:history
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=planet:levia_prime
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=planet:levia_4
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ne ... _great_war
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ne ... government
 
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Update:

Made some additions to the history, including changing the dates around a bit since it didn't make since that they rediscovered FTL only twenty-thirty years before the present.

Added a bit more information to Lumia Four.
 
More updates:

Expanded upon the departments to add actual details on what each does, although in most cases people will say that it should be self-exclaimitory, I've actually had issues on other board were people DID NOT know what a Department of Agriculture does or what the reason was behind a Department of Trade. So this is more of a redundency measure.

Also fixed up the history a bit, included fixing all of the dread IT'S ( )

Added more cities to Levia Four and Levia Prime.

At the same time, I also updated the Flag on the main faction page, was told by Nash that it was to dark so I went back in and redesigned it a small bit to make the background easier to see and the colors as well.
 
I will complete my review of this by 21 Oct.
 
Just some syntax comments:

Government said:
Now operating under a Monarch Council, with the King and Queen possessing the majority of the power while a council helps fashion the laws and keeps order in the Empire.
Click to expand...

My grammar brain went crazy here

Legislative Branch said:
there the people to go to for recommending new laws to be put into effect or requesting details on currently active law.
Click to expand...

"They're" not "there"

Military Branch said:
they make certain the military is operating as efficiency.
Click to expand...

Very awkward, but I suppose its grammatically correct

History said:
throwing their once great and peaceful Empire into disarray, nearly leading to an extinct.
Click to expand...

Fragment, "extinct" is an adjective and thus requires a subject. "Leading to extinction" or "leading to an extinct race" would be would be the correct variations, although I recommend the former because it's not as awkward.

Division of Environmental Management said:
to ensure that their planets enviroments are managed properly.
Click to expand...

"planets'" not "planets", assuming that planets is meant to be plural. If it's only referring to one planet then "planet's" instead of "planets'"

Division of Health Management said:
foods and items are say for the Neshaten to either consume,
Click to expand...

Did you mean "safe" instead of "say"?

Division of Health Management said:
to help control pollant levels in the cities
Click to expand...

Did you mean "pollutant"? Because I'm fairly confident "pollant" is not a word.

Myleke said:
discovered by the Shukaren during the medvial periods of their time.
Click to expand...

"Medieval" not "medvial"

Happy writing!
 
Thanks Gabriel for those correction, they help make it better

I've rewritten a bit of the government tab in hopes that it sounds better (if it doesn't, or just makes it sound MORE confusing, tell me!

Also just added the government page, which hopefully has no contridictions to it and explains in more detail.
 
I am giving this provisional Approval.

The concept is sound, but there is still a lot of things Kyle needs to do before PC's can actually start playing them. Like documenting a CCG and essential tech.
 
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