Approved Character [LSDF Va'alta] J'ann Sulei

[Moogle]

Character Article URL: http://www.wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:j_ann_sulei
Preferred Plot's GM: @Luca

 

[Luca]

Hi @Moogle - don't worry you have my assurance that this time around your character won't be turned into a person-eating, fuzzy-eared monster - unless of course you ask for that but I doubt that'll happen.

However, there are a couple of things that irk me at the moment with J'ann's biography:

• The personality requires a bit of expansion. A couple of sentences more would be useful, otherwise it reads like an NPC bio.
• If his distinguishing feature is to be very hippy, how so? Is it the way they move, the way they dress, act, walk, eat their duqs?
• You're missing some full stops and grammar on the History dot points.
• Also with the history, how many of his decisions were his idea? What did he get out of his caretakers?
• Also he joined the academy at a young age, he was not academy at a young age. He is not a building.
• I've said it in the IRC but where are the likes and dislikes?

What you have at the moment is fine but it requires fleshing out. Once you get my queries addressed addressed, you should be good to go.

 

[Luca]

As we discussed over IRC, you have made an update and you've addressed the expansion of various sections as I asked. Good job. There are some minor typos here and there but what's needed and what I'm after is there to see.

This is looking good to me, if nobody else has any queries or questions.