Star Army
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Approved Character Michael Saxton
- Thread starter dantoon
- Start date
Hi. Just a heads up, there isn't really any "drop in, drop out" roleplay here. When you form a character, you find an appropriate plotship (The IRC channel is always a good place to ask) and then you apply there. I mean, you CAN have a character floating in the system until you find a plot, but he won't be dropping into a mission then leaving. Unless he dies. Or gets transferred.
Ok, need some more details,
For example there is nothing in his history that explains how he got that very noticeable scar. You should include something there to tell about it.
As for the skills you should take a look at the boiler plate for the standard skills which represent the skills he would have as a result of basic.
Skills for Soldiers in the Star Military of Nepleslia
You also need to add the standard issue for Nepleslian troops
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ne ... _equipment
Currency is wrong, KS is for Yamatai Star Empire, and the amount is wrong too. It should be 6000 DA.
For example there is nothing in his history that explains how he got that very noticeable scar. You should include something there to tell about it.
As for the skills you should take a look at the boiler plate for the standard skills which represent the skills he would have as a result of basic.
Skills for Soldiers in the Star Military of Nepleslia
You also need to add the standard issue for Nepleslian troops
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ne ... _equipment
Currency is wrong, KS is for Yamatai Star Empire, and the amount is wrong too. It should be 6000 DA.
Sigma
Inactive Member
Some .. discrepancies here. Character namespace is incorrect. Michael Saxron.
Various heights provided are 6'2" and 6'3". Would like to have that clarified as to which is the correct height.
Does he have earrings in both ears, just one?
Crew cut and face beard. Short hair on the top of the head and a long beard on the chin. It's not a style that makes much... sense. The image below comes to mind. Such an image would make it ... difficult for any character to take you seriously. If you had a military-style crew cut, which is even shorter, you'd look like a clown.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/93779577@N ... /lightbox/
I don't understand what the catalyst for his new perspective after getting slashed would be. If he got a scar, it would be considered a trophy scar that he could show off. From a Nepleslian gang's point of view, if he did that, it meant he'd turned yellow and they'd probably try to take him out themselves. Housekeeping, and all that.
I want to know what the father died of. It's a simple detail that ought to be included so that we can know more about the character's motivation. The long and short of it is that the Personality and History sections need fleshing out.
Skills
Please read this. I cannot accept one-liner descriptions of your character's skills.
The inventory requires formatting. Copy+pasting the wiki code from the list is not terribly difficult. Please do so.
Refer to Ice for an example of a high quality starter character.
Various heights provided are 6'2" and 6'3". Would like to have that clarified as to which is the correct height.
Does he have earrings in both ears, just one?
Crew cut and face beard. Short hair on the top of the head and a long beard on the chin. It's not a style that makes much... sense. The image below comes to mind. Such an image would make it ... difficult for any character to take you seriously. If you had a military-style crew cut, which is even shorter, you'd look like a clown.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/93779577@N ... /lightbox/
I don't understand what the catalyst for his new perspective after getting slashed would be. If he got a scar, it would be considered a trophy scar that he could show off. From a Nepleslian gang's point of view, if he did that, it meant he'd turned yellow and they'd probably try to take him out themselves. Housekeeping, and all that.
I want to know what the father died of. It's a simple detail that ought to be included so that we can know more about the character's motivation. The long and short of it is that the Personality and History sections need fleshing out.
Skills
Please read this. I cannot accept one-liner descriptions of your character's skills.
The inventory requires formatting. Copy+pasting the wiki code from the list is not terribly difficult. Please do so.
Refer to Ice for an example of a high quality starter character.
i have fixed his appearance and added more detail. I also added a different reason why he left the gang and how his father died. Added more detail to the skills. Got code for equipment. His definite height is 6'3
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... ael_saxton
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... ael_saxton
Sigma
Inactive Member
The Nepleslian Marine Corps was formed, according to a reliable source, 6 In Character years ago. That was when the Greens began their power play. It would be impossible for him to have learnt this stuff as a child. At the character's age of 17, the Marines would have only just formed.
Ear ring style? I question the ... wisdom of such a piece of jewelry but that's your grave to dig and funeral to plan.
You've done very little to add to anything. The Personality and History sections are still extremely short. Your skills are still so concise that I cannot gauge them. And you clearly haven't read the Marine Skills page Nashoba linked. You would see the 4 basic skills and long descriptions of them. Nepleslia rolls Fighting and Physical into a single skill. And you've messed up the inventory section worse than before. I realize that learning to use the wiki can be challenging but, I managed to do it and many others have since managed to do it.
I don't see any WHY for the majority of things. For a 23 year old, your lack of detail for his life has made him very bland. I'm going to be 23 in a month; my life would fill pages of the wiki. While we're not asking for lengthy life stories, I must ask for more details. This may be a starter character but there's need to be more context considering how long he has lived. If he were a clone with a much shorter life-span, there'd obviously be much less to write about.
Part of the issue could be your writing. The sentences you write are so terse that they have no flow. It's like a short statement of facts without any prose or context. Very grating to read. The devil is in the details. If you can't get that down, your character is going to flounder in 4th Fleet.
Ear ring style? I question the ... wisdom of such a piece of jewelry but that's your grave to dig and funeral to plan.
You've done very little to add to anything. The Personality and History sections are still extremely short. Your skills are still so concise that I cannot gauge them. And you clearly haven't read the Marine Skills page Nashoba linked. You would see the 4 basic skills and long descriptions of them. Nepleslia rolls Fighting and Physical into a single skill. And you've messed up the inventory section worse than before. I realize that learning to use the wiki can be challenging but, I managed to do it and many others have since managed to do it.
I don't see any WHY for the majority of things. For a 23 year old, your lack of detail for his life has made him very bland. I'm going to be 23 in a month; my life would fill pages of the wiki. While we're not asking for lengthy life stories, I must ask for more details. This may be a starter character but there's need to be more context considering how long he has lived. If he were a clone with a much shorter life-span, there'd obviously be much less to write about.
Part of the issue could be your writing. The sentences you write are so terse that they have no flow. It's like a short statement of facts without any prose or context. Very grating to read. The devil is in the details. If you can't get that down, your character is going to flounder in 4th Fleet.
I started the history from scratch. I added some details to his personality and skills.
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... ael_saxton
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... ael_saxton
Looks pretty solid now! APPROVED! Thanks for your patience.
Please also make a page for yourself at https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:dantoon -- This can contain whatever info you want to share with your fellow players. I suggest list your timezone and a link to your character, and any contact info you want to give.
Please also make a page for yourself at https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=members:dantoon -- This can contain whatever info you want to share with your fellow players. I suggest list your timezone and a link to your character, and any contact info you want to give.
