Sanderford
Inactive Member
Here's my character, P3C Naomi Scroggins. I'm hoping to be posted to the Acadia, if possible.
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=naomi_scroggins
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=naomi_scroggins
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Approved Character Naomi Scroggins.
- Thread starter Sanderford
- Start date
Aendri
Inactive Member
Well, I'll at least give it a shot.
First off. Organization is the Star Military of the Democratic Imperium of Neplesia, SMoDIoN for short, not Nepleslian Space Marines.
You need to complete a userpage. You can just click on the redlink on the character page and create it there.
If you're going to include the Measurements, Bra Size is separate. It's also included in the upper character card thing.
Couple things in description. First, I'd remove the 'by modern standards' part of build. That's automatically implied. Also, clarify what you mean in that same section. Is she lithe, big and muscular.... Something along those lines. You say she's muscular, but still very obviously a woman. I'd like that clarified. Do you mean she's very curvy, or are you just referring to her chest?
Remove the part 'and I mean REALLY blond'. If you think it needs clarification, describe it. Platinum blond, yellow...
Remove the part in facial features that talks about other peoples opinions. Let that come up in roleplay. You're describing her visually, not what other people think about her. Also, I'd recommend against heterochromia. A lot of people want to make that their character's 'thing', but understand it affects less then 200,000 people in the US total. It's extremely rare. Honestly, I'd approve more of a random coloring on the eyes, like purple, then I would of heterochromia.
Not fond of the history, but in the personality, you need to remove the explanations. Just define her personality, explain it in the history. Also, why is she fiercely loyal to the Corp?
Again, not fond of the history at all. It's way to short and general. Include names, faces. We want to know who she is. Also, include the names of her family, even though she doesn't know them herself. This is a fact sheet, not what she knows.
Skills look fine to me.
Inventory needs to be its own main header, rather then under Skills. Remove the Starting pay note at the end of it, and make it a bulleted list instead of everything all smushed together.
Overall, a decent first try. This character is awaiting changes.
First off. Organization is the Star Military of the Democratic Imperium of Neplesia, SMoDIoN for short, not Nepleslian Space Marines.
You need to complete a userpage. You can just click on the redlink on the character page and create it there.
If you're going to include the Measurements, Bra Size is separate. It's also included in the upper character card thing.
Couple things in description. First, I'd remove the 'by modern standards' part of build. That's automatically implied. Also, clarify what you mean in that same section. Is she lithe, big and muscular.... Something along those lines. You say she's muscular, but still very obviously a woman. I'd like that clarified. Do you mean she's very curvy, or are you just referring to her chest?
Remove the part 'and I mean REALLY blond'. If you think it needs clarification, describe it. Platinum blond, yellow...
Remove the part in facial features that talks about other peoples opinions. Let that come up in roleplay. You're describing her visually, not what other people think about her. Also, I'd recommend against heterochromia. A lot of people want to make that their character's 'thing', but understand it affects less then 200,000 people in the US total. It's extremely rare. Honestly, I'd approve more of a random coloring on the eyes, like purple, then I would of heterochromia.
Not fond of the history, but in the personality, you need to remove the explanations. Just define her personality, explain it in the history. Also, why is she fiercely loyal to the Corp?
Again, not fond of the history at all. It's way to short and general. Include names, faces. We want to know who she is. Also, include the names of her family, even though she doesn't know them herself. This is a fact sheet, not what she knows.
Skills look fine to me.
Inventory needs to be its own main header, rather then under Skills. Remove the Starting pay note at the end of it, and make it a bulleted list instead of everything all smushed together.
Overall, a decent first try. This character is awaiting changes.
Sanderford
Inactive Member
I have made the changes suggested. Would a fresh look be possible, now?
Tom
Well-Known Member
Welcome to the RP!
After looking over this character profile, I believe it's good enough for a spin in the RP. I can visualize this character's mindset, motives and appearance, and the history does enough for me. I like shorter histories myself. After all, it's not about what the character did so much as what the character does in the RP world after coming into existence.
She's an orphan, yeah. It's been done a whole lot before and will continue to be done forever and ever, but it's not a bad thing here.
Minor quibbles, like how she can read and how she got beautiful despite the risks of malnutrition and the beatings... I can set these aside and let the character show us how through RP. Over time, she'll form a personality and the pre-history will get fleshed out more.
Good job. I approve.
After looking over this character profile, I believe it's good enough for a spin in the RP. I can visualize this character's mindset, motives and appearance, and the history does enough for me. I like shorter histories myself. After all, it's not about what the character did so much as what the character does in the RP world after coming into existence.
She's an orphan, yeah. It's been done a whole lot before and will continue to be done forever and ever, but it's not a bad thing here.
Minor quibbles, like how she can read and how she got beautiful despite the risks of malnutrition and the beatings... I can set these aside and let the character show us how through RP. Over time, she'll form a personality and the pre-history will get fleshed out more.
Good job. I approve.
Sanderford
Inactive Member
Thank you, Tom, and I'll try my best to justify the decision. May I request placement, now, or do I need to wait until this is moved physically to the APPROVED section?
