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Approved Character New Character: Amethyst Stockford

Couple little spelling and grammar errors that I fixed just skimming through. Biggest one is that you seem to have a habit of combining an ellipsis and a comma, and that just doesn't work, grammatically speaking. You need to figure out which of them fits, and use it.

I've asked Kokuten to take a quick look at the history and personality for me. I'm not very familiar with the older history of the Nepleslians, and while it seems a bit extreme for a younger Nepleslian, I don't want to make that decision without checking.

Big thing I see is the skills. You want to get all seven skill slots you have filled in. That's the recommended amount, and it's pretty easy to fill in, so there's no real reason not to take all seven.

Other than that, it looks pretty darn good for a first character. Great job!

This character is In Progress.
 
An ellipsis huh?! :P
Didn't even know that meant until now, I'll look through the text a few more times.
I guess it's my tendency to write the way I speak and haven't done much correcting as of yet
Neither was I aware of that you shouldn't put a comma there!
Learn something new every day!

And regarding the skills, I thought 7 was the max and less is ok too.
But that won't be a problem.
Didn't realise there were obvious training possibilities within ORIN.

Oh and history wise? If wars are still waged, things get pretty grim.
Earth is perhaps more messed up, but a planet of crime, guns and slavery?
Seems like a very suitable place for a LOT of things to go wrong in a persons life.
It happens here on earth as well.

But that's my thought behind it :)

And thanks for the compliment, it's not the first character I made, but only the second one that is to fit into an existing universe.

But it's good fun!

Will try to polish it this weekend (but a smartphone isn't ideal for it)

Greets Lara
 
Less is acceptable, but for starting characters its always recommended to fill themselves up. Gaining extra skills is a much more difficult process.

Nepleslia's not all guns, slavery and crime. Funky City is full of undead zombies from the NMX attack! Can't forget them! For the most part, I don't believe that crime is as rampant in Nepleslia (or the other planets in our beloved Imperium) as it used to be several years ago.

I, of course, may stand corrected if Kokuten says otherwise. After all, the little debate on anti-matter and its effects proved rather convoluted.
 
Alright! All updated including 7 skills!
And hopefully better grammar regarding those ellipsis.
I can' t seem to find them,...

Did you remove some?
I just changed some things around to make it better in general...
Perhaps it' s a language thing? Or I just SUCK with grammar!

In any case,
Thanks

Greets, Lara
 
A couple of coding things to fix. Mainly, try and reformat sections like the skills and the personality, and even the history, so that they're written in paragraph form in the coding, regardless of how it shows up in the bio. It just makes it easier to find errors and the like that way.

I went through and cleared the two ellipsis/comma splices I saw, redid the phrases so that they worked (and yes, I'd already fixed a couple).

The big issue now is the added skills. The grammar in all of them needs to be fixed up a bit (I'd recommend using Microsoft Word if you can get it), and most of them need to be fixed a bit. Explaining how they got the skill is secondary, generally speaking. Those sections are basically you saying "She's trained to do this, and this, and this..." if you get them right. For good examples, look at the boilerplate skills for the main military factions, and look at how they read.

I did talk to Koku, and he approved the history and personality, so I'll just drop that one.

Still In Progress, but it's coming along nicely.
 
I would suggest also changing the Bio from present tense to Past tense, just so that it doesn't seem so odd.

also, this is my fault, I need to update the Origin inventory page- She should have a SEP II instead of the outdated original.
 
Another update.
Past tense,... I think?!

Why is Dutch not that strict about using present and past tense right through each other >_<

Ah well.
And regarding linebreaks and Aendri
I added the code \\ ' s everywhere I had Enters.
And lessened the amount of paragraphs.
 
it's in Past tense now, which is good.

As for the formatting- you've now made every sentence in your history and skills sections its own paragraph. I believe Aendri meant adding an extra line after each paragraph, and separating the parts of the Personality section better.

You mentioned Dutch- Is English your second language? you're mostly pretty good at it but obviously still a little confused.
 
Got all of my problems solved, and it has the approval of Kai and Doshii, so you can go down on the record as about the only character to be approved by all three active character mods! Congrats. ^^

This character is Approved.
 
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