Approved Character New Character for Review

[vshnary]

i didn't know where to put this.

here is the link to my character article :
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... akaza_xado

 

[Aendri]

Well, this is in the right place, so I'll go ahead and run through it for you, though you'll still need a mod.

First, Organization would be the SAoY, not occupation. Occupation would be whatever character you make, soldier, medic, engineer, pilot, etc.

Second, please be a bit more specific on his build. There is no "Normal soldier's build", as everyone's character is different. Is he lean, muscular, toned, what?

Also, your personality seems to be one big contradiction, and it's a little shorter than I personally like personalities to be. Try looking at other people's characters to get an idea on how to expand it and make it make more sense.

I would also like to see a more in depth history. I will admit, I have a character whose history is very skimpy, and I regret it. It makes it harder for others to roleplay with you, and you have to worry about accidentaly introducing something a GM doesn't approve of.

In weapons, you might have to add more weapons in under what he is trained with, depending on what position you want him in.

Under humanities, where would he have learned skills for first contact? It's not exactly a regular happening, so I can't see why he would know anything about it, especially based on his personality and history. It seems like something he would have very little interest in.

Overall on the skills, I would like to see more detail, more personalization. For the necessary skills, you have to keep the required parts, but detail them, personalize them. Make the character's skills his rather than textbook definitions of the skills.

Other than a few grammatical errors past there, it looks all right. You'll want a mod to look it over too, but if you do what I said, it will most likely go more quickly and easily.

 

[Nashoba]

Okay,

Some of these are a repeat, but as a Mod I need to say them.

Organization should be Star Army of Yamatai,
Occupation is supposed to be what position. So for Infantry
Infantry

Description needs work, please check the
Yamataian (Species)

Personality
Needs serious rewriting. A GM needs to know what makes him tick. After all "Mysterious" is not a personality trait. Given what you have said, he's a private individual, and some what antisocial. But that is not mysterious. This needs to give the GM an idea of how this character is going to be played. You are expected to play the character according to it.

History
History is minimal to say the least, he's been alive for 19 years. The history needs to reflect some of that, detailing some of the significant events that helped to shape the character.

Skills
You put pretty much the boiler plate definition of the skills, please personalize them a bit. For example under fighting, yes, he learned all those various things, but is there a specific weapon or fighting style that he prefers.

Humanities ? Definitely not a typical skill that a recruit would get. At least not in the SAoY. You might want to consider something more appropriate for a soldier.

Finances
Update the statement of how much he gets paid a week with 50 KS
Also it would be useful to increase Wiki links in the page, helpful for you and for others who read your page.

This character is not yet approved for IC usage.

 

[Wes]

He’s comfortable in his own solitude but still often finds his need for socializing. Considered a loner to some but has no problem interacting with people.

What's this supposed to mean? It's unclear.

I made some edits to your bio, adding links and removing a lot of unnecessary forced line breaks ( \\ ).

 

[vshnary]

okay. thanks. sorry for so many errors. i'm still new to all of this. i'll get to work on everything and thanks Wes for the editing u did. i really made a mess. thanks again. by the way, the picture on the page, is that the uniform for infantry? i saw the color panel page for uniforms, and there, it was "midnight" for infantry.

 

[Nashoba]

That is just one of the anonymous images that are available.

 

[Fay]

Hey, there. Welcome to Star Army. Let's see what I can do to help. ^_^

1. "Normal soldier's build" tells me nothing really. A Nepleslian soldier is much more muscular then a Yamataian one. Please specify.

2. Same really for "Sharp features". Is he like.. hawk-faced or something? You also need a comma after "deep" in the eyes section.

3. Mustache and goatee... when off duty? So... he puts fake hair on his face when he goes on leave? That makes little sense to me, sorry.

4. Like said before, cut out the "mysterious" and just say that he is unsocial and tries to be a loner.

5. History needs a lot more meat. Right now, it isn't even anorexic... It's even thinner then a skeleton. Tell me about his studies! Tell me about his love interests in high school, college, and beyond! Tell me how he grew up, and what his family raised him to believe! Did he like his parents/sibling? Why or why not? Did anything happen that made him decide to join the Star Army rather then become a traveling artist, musician, chef, etc? Why didn't be become an infantry soldier rather then a non-combatant? There is that much and more that you could put into it! Let your imagination run wild!!

6. Carrying on, however, I believe that Power Armor training goes into the Fighting skill. As an infantryman, he'd have to use a PA sometime in his life.

7. What happened to his love for music and art? My advice is to swap that unneeded Humanities skill out for either Entertainment or Arts and Vocations.

8. Maybe a little more meat into your existing skills, but the rest looks okay.

Overall: It's a decent start. A little bit of work to go through before it is ready, though. Good luck!

 

[vshnary]

hi!! i made the revisions. i changed the history and added the things that you guys said i needed to add or change. i think i did something wrong with naming and saving the picture.

by the way, in the story i made use of cars. maybe in the SARP setting they didn't use cars? any suggestions on how i could replace the vehicles they used?

https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... akaza_xado

 

[Nashoba]

Good job on the improvements, out of curiosity what planet was he born on?

Okay, this looks good to me, so now you need to create your user page, and then put in a request for orders. I suggest you take a look at the active plots to see which ones have openings.

This is the forum to request orders. Use the template to ensure you supply all necessary data.

Request for Orders - Star Army

Welcome to the SARP,

This character is approved for IC usage.

 

[vshnary]

thanks!! as for what planet he was born on...Planet Yamatai.

could i join the Fort Ready thread? i think they haven't started a new class though.

by the way, how do i calculate his income? is that done automatically somehow or do i do that every week manually?

Good job on the improvements, out of curiosity what planet was he born on?

Okay, this looks good to me, so now you need to create your user page, and then put in a request for orders. I suggest you take a look at the active plots to see which ones have openings.

This is the forum to request orders. Use the template to ensure you supply all necessary data.

Request for Orders - Star Army

Welcome to the SARP,

This character is approved for IC usage.

 

[Kai]

If you would like to Join Fort Ready I could see about starting a new class, being a moderator and part-time GM of Fort Ready. I just have to ask Wes about a few particulars but I think i can accommodate you and anyone else who comes in wanting to join the SAoY.

with the question about cars: yes, we do use cars, quite a few of them in fact. There is no need to change that, so don't worry.

 

[vshnary]

okay. thanks. i can wait for that to open. what would i have to do for now? do i sign up or something in that thread?

also, any ideas on how calculating character's income works?