Approved Character New Character: Phaedra Volkov

[cyborgakadjmoose]

Hi, here's my character's bio:

https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... dra_volkov

First I must say I was impressed with the MASSIVE amount of background material. It was kind of overwhelming at first, but I eventually was able to digest it and immerse myself in it.

At first glance, it may seem like my character is some hard-bitten veteran with lots of experience. Well I specifically wanted to avoid that, considering it is not recommended. Phaedra has just finished her training and is ready to be assigned to her next assignment. While it may seem like she can do a lot of things, she literally has no experience, in combat or under a chain of command other than the instructors. She's technically only been alive for a few years, considering she is a clone. She bascially got unlucky and experienced a ton of crap before she finished her training.

So anyways, let me know how I did, and what I need to change. I tried to research as much as I could so her background was accurate, but I'm sure I've overlooked some things.

Thanks.

 

[Doshii Jun]

I'll be examining this one later today. At work right now.

 

[Doshii Jun]

0. The Nepleslian military didn't exist previous to this character's RP starting point (pre-RP). Nepleslia used to be part of the Yamatai Star Empire; it declared independence in YE 28. You'll need to be less specific.

1. Are her eyes naturally heterochromatic?

2. NAM didn't exist pre-RP.

3. Styrling is a company that wasn't around pre-RP. You will need to remove the reference to that rifle. Good taste in weapons, though.

3. You also need to remove the reference to the HOSTILE. It wasn't around pre-RP.

4. The Cerebral Chip didn't exist pre-RP.

Overall: All of your problems are blessings. You've shown an aptitude for clear writing, the willingness to do some research and respect for the work already established, while still attempting your own individual creations.

Your flaw here is getting too specific, and at the same time not specific enough. If you slap dates on some of the things I mentioned above, you might be OK. But if I understand the history right, this all happened to her within about six years or so.

You basically need to rework the time element. Dump those specifics above and you'll be better off. I consider everything else good, with a few indulgences here and there (Bright Wolf being one of them).

Your love for the Masamune-sama is duly noted.

This character is pending. Please address the list of edits or corrections above.

 

[cyborgakadjmoose]

0. The Nepleslian military didn't exist previous to this character's RP starting point (pre-RP). Nepleslia used to be part of the Yamatai Star Empire; it declared independence in YE 28. You'll need to be less specific.

Yeah...getting the dates correct was one of the things I knew I was going to have to mess around with.

1. Are her eyes naturally heterochromatic?

Nope, I just need to rephrase that. Her natural eye color is ice blue. For her cybernetic eye replacement, the common ruby red lens was replaced with a blue colored lens to mimic her natural eye color. I might just get rid of that to limit confusion.

2. NAM didn't exist pre-RP.
3. Styrling is a company that wasn't around pre-RP. You will need to remove the reference to that rifle. Good taste in weapons, though
3. You also need to remove the reference to the HOSTILE. It wasn't around pre-RP.
4. The Cerebral Chip didn't exist pre-RP.

Noted. Things that didn't exist yet.

Overall: All of your problems are blessings. You've shown an aptitude for clear writing, the willingness to do some research and respect for the work already established, while still attempting your own individual creations.
Your flaw here is getting too specific, and at the same time not specific enough. If you slap dates on some of the things I mentioned above, you might be OK. But if I understand the history right, this all happened to her within about six years or so.

Yes, the time frame was indeed rather narrow; as Phaedra was created as a clone. I didn't really find many specifics on the actual development rate of clones and their amount of training; so I assumed that they are born roughly fully grown or young adult. I also assumed basic training was around 1 year (as Yamatai basic training is 1 year) and advanced marine training was also around another year. I basically tried to make sure she was "born, trained, and shipped out in short order," as the wiki says.

Would it be safe to say that Phaedra has only been alive for 5 years? She is based off the DNA of a Shosa killed in the Battle of Nepleslia, which happened in YE 26. Birth and development was 1 year; basic training was 1 year; advanced training was 1 year, her recovery from her injuries and implants was 1 year, and then her repeat of advanced training was 1 year. Using this, we end up with her getting shipped off to her new assignment in YE 31, the current year. I figure she was cloned to replace losses gained from the Battle of Nepleslia; and Nepleslia broke off from the Yamatai Star Empire while Phaedra was still completing her training.

You basically need to rework the time element. Dump those specifics above and you'll be better off. I consider everything else good, with a few indulgences here and there (Bright Wolf being one of them).
Your love for the Masamune-sama is duly noted.
This character is pending. Please address the list of edits or corrections above.

I find that giving your character a name with a real meaning makes them seem more three-dimensional.
And yeah...there is definitely some Masamune influence in there, although I honestly didn't think about it until now.
I will make all the suggested corrections promptly and will add another post when the changes have been made to the wiki.

 

[cyborgakadjmoose]

I believe that the needed changes have been made to my character wiki. If it could be looked over again, that would be most appreciated.

 

[Wes]

Approved.