Star Army
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Approved Character Nobusuke Okichi
- Thread starter Christian
- Start date
You can add two more skills.
Aendri
Inactive Member
My personal opinion? Detail the skills more. Put a little of YOU into them. They're very basic and simple.
Also, please add a little more in the history. About 1-2 paragraphs is preferable. This is just so we know a little more about her. Where was she born, what happened to her family, what inspired her to join the military. Not a novel, but at least a bare bones life story.
Also, you made her skilled with the flute, but you didn't give her one?
Also, build up the detail on her appearance. Consider the Yamataian to be the average human being. You can't really say 'average for a Yamataian' because they and the Neplesians together ARE the average. So, instead of saying 'an average Yamataian build' (by the way, Yamataian is capitalized), say perhaps 'proportioned about the average, seeming to be the perfect mid-point between extremes', or something like that.
Lastly, her very stricture to the average would be her distinguishing feature. That doesn't mean what makes her noticeable, it means what makes her different from most people. Most people have one or two things that differentiate them, so the very fact that she doesn't distinguishes her from the rest.
Overall, she seems slightly more bare everywhere but personality and description than is preferable. Basically just expand what you already have.
And, now that my semi-rant is done, Welcome.
Also, please add a little more in the history. About 1-2 paragraphs is preferable. This is just so we know a little more about her. Where was she born, what happened to her family, what inspired her to join the military. Not a novel, but at least a bare bones life story.
Also, you made her skilled with the flute, but you didn't give her one?
Also, build up the detail on her appearance. Consider the Yamataian to be the average human being. You can't really say 'average for a Yamataian' because they and the Neplesians together ARE the average. So, instead of saying 'an average Yamataian build' (by the way, Yamataian is capitalized), say perhaps 'proportioned about the average, seeming to be the perfect mid-point between extremes', or something like that.
Lastly, her very stricture to the average would be her distinguishing feature. That doesn't mean what makes her noticeable, it means what makes her different from most people. Most people have one or two things that differentiate them, so the very fact that she doesn't distinguishes her from the rest.
Overall, she seems slightly more bare everywhere but personality and description than is preferable. Basically just expand what you already have.
And, now that my semi-rant is done, Welcome.
. A lot of it has been edited, and I'll finish up the rest soon
Also, it's "Yamataian." Note the "a" after the "t."
Saying that she has no distinguishing features means she blends in with the millions, perhaps billions, of other less-personalized Neko. That does make her less prominent than other PCs in terms of appearance, so you don't need to worry about that.
Don't worry about being bare-bones. You'll be filling it out as you gain more RP experience and whatnot.
You did a bang-up job. Good work!
This character is approved for IC usage. Please file orders in the comm thread of the character's faction.
Welcome to the Star Army Role-Play.
Saying that she has no distinguishing features means she blends in with the millions, perhaps billions, of other less-personalized Neko. That does make her less prominent than other PCs in terms of appearance, so you don't need to worry about that.
Don't worry about being bare-bones. You'll be filling it out as you gain more RP experience and whatnot.
You did a bang-up job. Good work!
This character is approved for IC usage. Please file orders in the comm thread of the character's faction.
Welcome to the Star Army Role-Play.
