Rejected Character NOT done yet, but needs help!

[Ryoko Ryusaki]

Why hallo thar.
I first noticed this place a few days ago, and since then, I have been reading a lot of the stuff on here. This does really intrest me, and I'm willing to work at it. I have at least 7 years of RP experience, but this seems a little different. ANYWAY, I'm going to post what I have so far. Some of the stuff on the Character Creation thingy confused me, so don't laugh. Any suggestions on how to improve and get this done quick, will be appreciated!
Oh, and, the History is a bit iffy, I'm not too happy with it, so suggestions are welcome for that. Ack, sorry for the ranting! here ya go...

RACE: Nekovalkyrja

SubRace/TYPE: NH-29



PERSONALITY:
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One could say that Ryoko is quite...Playful. This Neko decides to joke a lot, hoping to lighten the usually serious workspace, even though it occasionally fails. Sexual jokes and such are probably her favorite, as she seems to be quite sexual in nature. So don't freak out if she walks by and grabs your butt, she's only playing. ...Usually. She's willing to releive any sexual 'tension', so she tries to let people know she's not very shy. Do not judge her, however, for under her joking cover, there is a serious warrior who will protect, and give her life.
A few words to describe her: Impulsive, Seductive,


HISTORY:
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Ryoko was birthed very soon after the Battle of Hoshi no Iori by one of the survivors. Because of this, she feels that she has an obligation to become a powerful warrior. She specializes in close-quarters combat with rifles and small firearms, though she takes great pride in her hand-to-hand experience. Though she is eager to prove herself, has never been in a real combat situation.


OCCUPATION:
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Combat Arms





SKILLS:
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+Communication: Familiar with basic radio operation and procedures and can make transmissions to and receive transmissions from other characters through headsets, starships, power armor, and shuttles in both combat and non-combat conditions. Fluent in English, (and if a Nekovalkyrja, Japanese). Can speak and write both correctly and efficiently and can write reports, fill forms, issue orders under fire, etc.

+Fighting: Received hand-to-hand combat training, followed up with a rigorous training program. Skilled and experienced in combat both in Yamatai-like conditions and in zero-gravity, with and without weapons. Weapons trained in include energy pistols, knives, and power armor.

+Technology Operation: Capable of operating any computer system that uses the Kessaku OS, found on all Star Army starships. Proficient in entering and/or searching for information.

+Mathematics: Basic mathematics training, including up to algebra and trigonometry.

+Entertainment (acting, storytelling, belly dancing, performing, sexual techniques, playing an instrument, singing etc.)

+Fighting (Martial arts, power armor, hand-to-hand combat, weapons)

+Rogue (Pick-pocketing, pick locks, slight of hand, "streetwise," seduction)

 

[Doshii Jun]

Hey there. I'm Doshii, a moderator at Star Army. I'll be looking over your character here. Just a note -- there's no need to take anything I say personally. We review a lot of bios here, and what we say is in the interest of making your character better and preserving our RP environment.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask any of the moderators through PM, e-mail or YIM.

0. Your intro and use of a poll seem very ... familiar. Are you sure you haven't been here before?

1. Auto-Formatter. We love it. So should you.

1a. Consider a last name. Last names are good.

2. Personality: Well ... we know she's into sex. That's something. And we know she's a warrior. Also something. But everything else seems between the lines. Does she respect the military code or dance around it? Is she a woman of many words or few? What goals does she have for herself?

3. History: Uh uh. Your history's off, unless you want to be more precise.

Hoshi no Iori was in YE 28 -- early YE 28, I think. NH-29's were produced, as the name suggests, in late YE 28/early YE 29. Nevermind there were very, very few "survivors" from the battle -- there were no NH-29, which means your character is a bit out of place.

You might want to instead go with NH-29 birthed by an NH-17 that switched to NH-29 later. In that case, you'd be a youngling.

4. Basic skills look okay ... though if you want to explain how she came by the last three, that'd be good.

I would argue "Rogue" should be dropped. Unless you're a commando or something. You already have fighting once, so you can swap it out for another skill. Don't forget to edit the basic skills and include her name.

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You're on the way there, no doubt about it. The questions I posed are mostly just ideas for you, to make sure you're thinking. With 7 years of RP experience, we've little to worry about from you.

Again, any questions you might have for us, just fire away.

 

[Ryoko Ryusaki]

Thank you very much for your post, it has helped. As you read this, I'm working away at my character and fixing stuff. The fact of my post/poll reminding you of someone, is completely unintended, though funny. I assure you, I have never been here before. Thanks again, I'm working hard on this! ^_^

With serious intrest and horrible worries,
Ryoko

 

[Doshii Jun]

*grins* No problem. Take your time and don't be afraid to ask lots of questions.

 

[Wes]

Woot, more Nekos!

 

[Zakalwe]

While you're doing the other stuff - making sure your character fits the format, doing up the history and so forth, I'd really appreciate it if you could 'personalise' the skills - make them unique for your character. Seeing pretty much the same thing c/ped without much thought other than to change the name gets a little tedious after a while - and it doesn't allow for your character to be as individual as she could be.