Approved Character [Open RP/ISS Dig-It] Dhaval

[Legix]

@raz (he's the one who made the race and suggested it get put up =3=)
Wiki Link ==> Here <==

 

[raz]

Cool! There's some stuff to clarify from the species side, but he looks like a pretty good character. I'll do what reviewing I need to, then you should be free to RP. Maybe a yellow banner will want to take a look at it, too.

The first thing I notice is that you need to wikify the article. This just means putting [[species:kudhacari]] instead of saying "Kudhacari" and doing the same thing for anything reference-able in the article. Things like the NPCs who will join him should be linked, for example. You can do this: [[EXAMPLE:LINK|customwords]] to make the links say anything you want for inclusion in sentences.

Physical Description:
"While he hasn't got a gut, he's visibly well-packed with muscles to accent a lightly tanned skin-tone."

• I think the meaning of this sentence would make more sense if you did away with the "while he" part. It expects me to think he's still chubby but then it says he's swole. Just say he's swole.

"Much like the others of his species, he has scales covering where hair should be on his head going down his back and wrapping between his legs and around some of his waist like a protective belt (lacking coverage over a very specific area) before proceeding down his tail."

• The error here is because Revolver and I weren't clear in the article. The "wrapping between their legs" part was in reference to what a Kudhacari's tail does. They basically have scales from the middle of their eyebrows and then down their backs to the tail. Nothing on the torso or legs on the front. This cute Sandslash girl (also a pangolin fyi) has a good representation of where their armor is, though its far more trimmed by most Kudhacari in modern times. Big scales like that would be the mark of a savage, veteran battle berserker. Anyway, kind of rambling at this point.

Everything else here looks good-to-go if that's what you want.

Personality:
"Unlike the various others of his kind, Dhaval believes in the worth of an individual. Because of this, he is confident and proud of his self-given identity."

• The second sentence is fine. I think the first part would be better said in a more actively positive sentence about how values rugged individualism more than most others, or something. It's not that the Kudhacari don't believe in the worth of an individual; I think it'd be impossible for a species with their gender imbalance to not value individual contributions.

"As a warrior of his race, he has considerable respect for those who seek to protect their friends and people. This doesn't change the fact that he parted ways in considerably bad relations with the majority of his people and even his family unit, leaving him mixed with regret when speaking about them."

• Great!

"He will often estimate its worth based on resources before currency."

• This is so cute and will probably go in their culture article regarding economy.

History:
"Dhaval was born in 13 YE..."

• It's [[calendar:ye_13]], and I'll get you the current year in AV when I can sit down and calculate it.
• According to my calculations *pushes glasses back up* he's 30 Eutherion cycles old. Make sure this is what you want!

"When they were both 17 YE old, however, in the year YE 30, Manju and Dhaval had hooked up sporadically when she was going to try and find work up in space. The result was a near immediate marriage between the two and Dhaval moving to join her in the stars. It took almost a year before he was acclimated, however, finally joining her. Countless incidents requiring the two to provide security from incoming asteroids..."

• This is cool and seems exactly like the sort of thing Kudhacari would be doing. They're, like, UC Gundam tech level on the cusp of having FTL (just gotta RP the event), so this was cool to see!

"He was propositioned by Neha, a miner he had saved, to produce a child. Manju was hesitant at first, but had actually encouraged it as she knew it was the quickest way to expand their family unit and provide numbers. It was against their tradition by spreading his genetics so widely, but neither woman cared."

• Is this a personal tradition? Because Kudhacari tradition encourages things like workplace hookups.
• The part about her joining the family unit is also what is against tradition. It seems like you're assuming he broke away with Manju to start a new family unit, which is essentially a genetic clan, and is usually formed with more than 2 people as its core. As I said in chat, average "families" are around 10,000 strong.

"Despite his few hook-ups after that, the two had failed to do more than strengthen their friendship."

• This part is also what makes your character and his girlfriends unique. After reproducing "for the good of all Pangolin Folk," they usually, go their separate ways. Bringing Neha (and later Sitara) into a genetic cohort they're starting with him as the only male is very strange to society and would strike most Kudhacari as an arrangement that is genetically unwise. Admittedly, their collective plan as relatively young people could be to return to society one day, meaning none of this will really matter and they all know it. Which plays into the unique mindset you're going for with these characters.

"This changed all in a day, however, as something strange occurred. A foreign, independent ship warped in and near the four, the three women tethered to Dhaval to both anchor him and to ensure he could pull them to safety if need be. However, rather than provide safety, it would lead to the four getting caught and dragged along well-away from their home system. The ship had a universal translator when they reeled the four in, the two women hiding behind the shaky and somewhat uncomfortable duo of warriors. All four of them had been recovered by a trader in the year YE 35, the scale-covered individuals on their own."

• This is fine with me. I am wondering how you're imagining they work in space, though. Why are they tethered together? What sort of spaceship or small starbase are they working out of? If I knew what you were thinking, I could help guide this part better.
• Also, I'll ask that these independents that got them away from Eutherion never appear again. They're an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a riddle told in whispers basically nowehere. They don't have to be dead, they can be talked about in old stories about how they helped your Kudhacari people, but nobody else in-character can be able to use them to access the whereabouts of Eutherion in any case, please.

"Since then, for the last few years, they'd been working and trying to make a living with those who pitied them. It took time and resources just for the four to learn Trade (leaving them with what could be described as a French accent), but eventually they achieved a what could be called a more proper living. Specifically, Dhaval acquired his own Justicar carrier. It lacked the full compliment thanks to it being second-hand, but its age and modifications to the interior made up for that. It was the tool Dhaval needed, however, and came with two Ashigaru to boot. He had a simple plan, of course, and it was to try and earn as much money as possible and make a strike in the galaxy through any means possible. Once he had a significant amount, it meant he could one day return to his world and prove that the four of them weren't so foolish nor misguided."

• This+anything in his entire inventory section, I don't really care about whatsoever. I feel that characters should be allowed to have fun with whatever BS they want.
• That's why someone else should review this, tbqh. But if it's for an Open RP, then I don't think it'll matter since you need a ship for your idea. Go post an interest check on the OOC board, btw!
• I'm still interested to know more details about how he acquired the Justicar. Starting characters are limited to 3,000 KS, so did he steal it? Win it in a gamble? Was he left it by the people who got him hot on mecha? Please explain!

Skills:
I'm not sure on the current rules for skills. Even if we treat each bullet point as simple information rather than a subskill specialty, he still has 9 skills (I don't think you can combine Communications, Knowledge, & Leadership or Demolitions & Construction like that) and you're usually limited to 7. This is another reason why someone should look at the character, please!

 

[Legix]

Huge amounts of edits have been made. I explained the tethering more in-depth (specifically what they were doing/working from and that the tethering allows them more general safety while they work) and fully intend to keep the independents out of the story. I'll be taking some time to feed Wiki links into it further, but I think it has relatively resolved the entirety of the other issues. Interest Check and other stuff should be up soon.

 

[raz]

He still has scale underwear. You can do this, if you want, but it makes him a mutant.

"Long-considered a reject among his people for being an individual, he..."

• Probably just say "for being independent."

"leaving them with what could be described as a French accent"

• Though I was the one who mentioned this, I think it should be in a footnote [which is "wordswordswords((footnote text))" in wiki code]. We've been scrubbing the setting of things like this. Try to describe the accent in prose then add the footnote that says "French!" for clarity. If anybody knows, like, a Nepleslian world that sounds French ("those Delsaurian lizards and their funky metropolitan patois!") then maybe you could say "sounds Delsaurian" or something.

Everything else looks totally fine with me. Which means you don't need to change much. Maybe you should ping a higher authority you're comfortable with to ask for approval on the acquisition of your Justicar.

Use of Kudhacari species for this character is approved pending minor fixes.

 

[Legix]

Removed the accent, scalewear, and edited the wording =3=

@Wes , I could do with yer input on the acquisition of the Justicar, I suppose.

 

[Wes]

Normally characters don't get more than 3000 KS worth of stuff, but since this is for a plot, I'm going to approve the ship.