• If you were supposed to get an email from the forum but didn't (e.g. to verify your account for registration), email Wes at stararmy@gmail.com or talk to me on Discord for help. Sometimes the server hits our limit of emails we can send per hour.
  • Get in our Discord chat! Discord.gg/stararmy

Approved Character Tetsu Wagner

Just a drive-by edit, as I'm at work: You have to start as a Private Third Class as a new player. Promotions come pretty quick.
 
What do you mean by 'ruggedly handsome'? Handsome is a very objective term, there are probably a lot of people who will find him downright ugly. Describe his features. Does he have a square jaw? what shape are his cheekbones? do they even show?

Give us more on the eyes. which way are they tilted? Are you saying he has more oriental eyes and skin color?

On your skills, make sure you have all the boilerplate Nepleslian skills, you seem to have most of them, but they have mostly been modified beyond recognition. Your little quotes are neat, and should stay, but the skills themselves need to be made more formal, as they are in the Wiki, which Doshii can help you with.

Other than that, and few grammar errors, it looks mostly pretty good.
 
Thanks for the pointers, man. I must have misunderstood on the skills when I first checked them, but I'll fix that too, along with the rank.

I am terrible at describing faces, though, but I'll do my best on that as well. :?


On that issue by the way, does the character need to be re-accepted (once it's been accepted that is) if I change the photo? I've got a friend of mine working on a profile picture for it but it'll probably take some time to get done.
 
There. I've edited and tightened the character a bit now. I hope that deals with all the issues; if not, just give me a slap and I'll get back to the drawing board again.
 
My two issues are as follows:

1. He's been in the military a very long time to still be a P3C. But I think the answer to that issue is ...

2. Slash your history down to about 1/4 what it is now. That's good work there, but it's too much for a starting character. Start small. Keep this research and slash your character's age down, too, to make the rank make more sense.
 
I trimmed it down as much as I could. He's still got some battle experience, plus the whole trauma-inducing battle, but he's only been in the marines for six-seven months or so before being transferred to the Engineering Corps. I hope that's okay. I have this phobia against playing complete rookies.

And I also adjusted his age a bit.

Let me know if there's more to change, or if the changes aren't enough.
 
Two more things. The first is justifying his demotion down to P3C. He still has way too much experience to be at his rank. Did he screw up somewhere? Did he demand the demotion? Give us a justification here.

The second is the use of the word "MacGyvered". Just say "jury-rigged."
 
Skills need to have 'Your character' and 'the character' replaced with pronouns or the characters name.

Also the term 'luddite' refers to a ' a social movement of British textile artisans in the early nineteenth century ' As there is no Earth in SARP, there can be no British artisan. Please replace with a non-Earth centric term.
 
There. Jury-rigged instead of MacGyvered, and I blamed his demotion on him becoming the scapegoat for the botched operation. Hope that works.

And also taken care of Nashoba's requests for changes.

Hope it works now.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Menu
Log in
Register
Cookies are required to use this site. You must accept them to continue using the site. Learn more…