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Approved Submission The Constitutional Dominion of Ersetu and the Kishargal People.

Gunsight1

Gunsight1

Potato Salad
Inactive Member
Hooookay! Here we go. I think it is time to submit the basics for the Ersetu! *crosses fingers that I am doing this right!*


Submission Type: Species/Faction
Submission URL: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=species:kishargal (Species)
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=faction:kishargal:kishargal_constitutional_dominion_of_ersetu (Government)
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=faction:kishargal:kishargal_culture (Culture)
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=faction:kishargal:kishargal_clans (Clans)
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=faction:kishargal:kishargal_history (History prt 1)
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=faction:kishargal:history_constitutional_dominion_of_ersetu (History prt 2)
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ccg:kishargal (Character Creation Guide)
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=planet:ersetu (Home world)
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=system:kuangirru (Home System)

Faction: The Constitutional Dominion of Ersetu
FM Approved Yet? (Yes/No; Who, When) Yes? Me, now?
Faction requires art? (Yes/No) No

For Reviewers:
Contains Unapproved Sub-Articles? (Yes/No) Yes
Contains New art? (Yes/No) Yes
Previously Submitted? (Yes/No; explain reason if rejected) No

Notes: Technology, ships, armed forces, weapons, space stations and other systems and planets I will submit as they reach completion over time! :o Be gentle, this is my first time submitting things! :o *Crosses fingers and puts out a plate of cookies for Doshii*
 
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The general information paragraph on the species page seems to end mid-sentence.

Regarding the planet, 2.3 Gs of surface gravity is extreme, and nothing in the description of the planet or the life that lives there seems to reflect that. I still think something from 0.7 to 1.1 would make the most sense.

Do they have curry?

I've only read the history section up to the industrial era, so far. Not a major point, but it mentions cutting down trees for lumber, but not for charcoal. If they had plenty of coal, I guess they wouldn't need it.

The psychological characteristics section of the CCG page has no text.

Everything else looks good, I only spent half an hour reading this tonight, though.
 
This will be a lot to review, so I might just attack this in chunks or something.

Right now, I'm in the species portion, and I would suggest adding a little bit more into the general information area. Maybe super-brief mention of their temperament , religiosity or other traits and characteristics that make them special. Appearance wise, you may also want to make mention of what their feet look like since it implies they're clawed. Though you've showed me pictures before, someone that hasn't seen them may get the wrong idea if you're not specific. Stating that they are humanoid might help in the text too. The physical stats area might look better as bullet points, since the chart looks a bit off to be honest. Regarding their physiology though, is there anything we should know about their bones, muscular structure or internal organs? That'd be nice to know.

Regarding the government page though, I suggest you break it down into sub-sections, which would make it easier to read. Perhaps subsections for the parliament and house. Additionally, I also suggest having a separate history sub-section too, which would then have that link into the history. Here in the government page, you only have to touch up on the history of the government itself in brief.

Before I go further though, do you prefer that I tackle this one part at a time, or all in one go? I'm afraid that it'll be an unreadable brick or wall if I do.
 
I'm cool with taking it in chunks. Probably be easier for us both that way! This gives me some stuff to work on tonight and tomorrow!
 
@CadetNewb

Edit's are up for the species and Government pages!

@Navian 2.3 is going to remain what it is. Ersetu is not a comfy planet.

They very well may have curry. They have lots of foods
 
Is that the whole explanation? There's a lot of other ways to make a planet uncomfortable that wouldn't have a mountain of logical consequences to ignore or handwave away, and it doesn't seem like this submission is using any of those. I can accept that it's not going to change, but aside from being hard to believe, it's a waste if the planet is given an extraordinary condition but is otherwise ordinary. If it helps to think of these as suggestions instead of complaints, please do. If it doesn't help at all... at least I tried.

There's no mention in the Ersetu culture of how they cope with the danger of falling down. Given that the kishergal are an arboreal species, and they live on a planet where even falling to the ground from a standing postion could easily be lethal, this seems like an omission. If they're tough enough that the gravity isn't a hazard for them, this is never really stated, either. There's no mention of them being unable to swim due to having bodies much denser than water, which would be the simplest explanation, and no alternative explanation of how they could achieve the same effect.

There's no mention of how they deal with the extreme variation in air pressure on their planet at different altitudes, how they managed to achieve space travel when they'd need awesome futuristic technology even to launch a simple probe like Sputnik out of their deep gravity well, or how funny their voices sound when they breathe an atmosphere unlike their native one... probably because it's not being considered that a planet with 2.3 Gs of surface gravity should have a heliox atmosphere, instead of mostly nitrogen.

There's no mention of the planet having other unusual properties, like a superdense core, or an extreme abundance of metals. It just seems like any other terrestrial world, except for having a higher surface gravity than any naturally-formed terrestrial world would have. There's nothing about the plant life having unusual structure or composition in order to allow trees to grow high off the ground, or why they would be so desperate to do so, like atmospheric conditions that tend to block light near the ground. Wouldn't it be fun if Ersetu had ground fog all the time, and that was why plants had to grow tall in 2.3 Gs?

I think that covers most of the bases. If making sense is so low on the priority list, it seems a waste not to come up with anything fantastic or exotic to go along with the extreme surface gravity, everything else I can find to read about the kishergal just makes them look like a standard race from a standard jungle planet.
 
Though Navian brings up several good points, they are all optional for approval. We all would appreciate the extra fluffy fluff, but it really isn't necessary despite my own curiosity as to whether or not the Kishargal are buoyant enough to swim. Overall, unless there are objections, I'll move on from the Species and Government page, including planetary holdings.

Regarding the culture page though, I'm curious if they have any ethnicities. Do different colors of Kishargal come from different regions? As for the clans, are you able to add additional information to them? The page looks a bit thin, and I'm worried that it's too little detail.
 
Next reply with edits will be a couple days. Today and tomorrow I have to work till very late then very early D:
 
@CadetNewb Doin some work here today, looking up some things, one think I noted that ethnic groups are more a cultural thing, based off shared cultur, nationality and stuff, so thought I could put that info into their culture page, then the info about different color variations being from certain areas in the species page?
 
Alright, I think we're ok on culture and clans, so I'm moving on to the next part. History. God damn, you wrote a lot. I just sighed right there by the way. Since I likely missed something or other, I noticed the history mentioned alien races and combat against them? There doesn't seem to be any naming of this alien faction they fought or details though.
 
Yeah, was a lot of ground to cover :D So lots to write :D

I kept who they fought vague intentionally since we don't know what was running around 1000 - 2000+ years ago officially, so figure whoever was milling about the galaxy back then as the local powers.
 
Well, to help give context/perspective/stay orientated, I suggest putting a few dates in here and there to emphasize just how far back a lot of this was. Either YE -XX or the system that they use themselves. Specifically regarding the 'enemy' that they fought, it's a very good idea to emphasize that they are alien, and that they are the enemy of that time period in specific.

Looking at the character creation guide though, I suggest having links to things such as the character skills, at least in the sample page so new players will be able to find it. Getting lost in the wiki is occasionally a problem. Now, regarding the planetary article, my biggest concern would be the planetary ring. Usually, something like that is more for show than practicality. It is a very good idea to explicitly state that it was made out of necessity given their homeworld's non-rotating state if you want to stick with it. Having multiple, even massive, space stations is more practical but boring.

Regarding the moon in specific though, I suggest expanding on that further to include cities and infrastructure on it. It probably deserves its own article since it's not a barren rock with a few flags on it, and should probably be mentioned in the systems article I believe.
 
Alrighty, I can sprinkle in some dates for sure :D

links to stuff on the CCG

The planetary ring, I think is a cool idea so I want to keep it for sure. It acts like a big space station and also a major power generation platform as well. Will add more details in on it :D

Page for moon with more details,. gotchas :D
 
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