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The Devious and Secret order of Genesis

S

Skhaal

Inactive Member
On thaxaria 500 years after the great returning when the thaxarians supposedly erased all traces of technology but they only buried it deep within the earth because the metal of few of the ships withstood including The Darkforge... The Genesis is a Secretive order of heretics who formed 500 years and found the ship in excavation for more relics. after finding this ship they used the vastness of the suprisingly large 'structure' but it turned out to have a console of that which a ship would have thus they got ideas. They began training many in the order in the art of assasination which went against the thaxarian warriors code but one of them became High Shadowclaw by the name of 'Shardax Vaevictus' but in the order he went by the name of 'Shade' but he was a spy nontheless as a high ranking warrior and happend to be one of the 11 thaxarians that accompanied Skhaal to a world away from thaxaria known as 'Neplasia' and has been relaying messages to thaxaria through a very powerful messenger tool.

Shade plans on killing skhaal and taking his place and return to thaxaria after the king is killed and in the chance the king has no sons the avatar takes his place on the throne thus thaxaria would be led into it's old beliefs and no thaxarians could rebel due to the Mechs and powerful land vehicles they found therefore ruling over thaxaria with an iron fist and with the knowledge of a new galaxy they could build up forces and perform some pirating tasks until they got a large enough fleet to conquer but of cource Gemini seem to underestimate Skhaal.

This will be in a future Thaxarian plot please tell me how it is in the kindest possible way possible and please add 'Kind' suggestions...last thing I need in the mourning is people yelling at me...and it may not lead to this so don't assume it will. and Secondly I can't do anything with gemini until i get a whole lot of things sorted out.
 
Anyone have any thoughts on this?
 
It's... hard to read. I have trouble making sense of it. What I do get is that there's this evil tharaxian that's come from this bloody evil ancient assaassin cult that's out of get ships and dominate the universe and his name almost sounds like "Nepleslia".

Summary: I am not terribly impressed.
 
It's hard to read because I wrote it last your with lesser Rpng experience and knowledge. Along with that I also lacked a Typing program with Spell and Grammar check. The cult is more like a gathering of power hungry thaxarians wishing to restore the Power of it's ancestors by uncovering old tech and salvaging it. They learn with good ole' fasioned trial and error.

I am also curious as to why you decided on commentingn it now after I just about abandoned the idea up until now (Longer version of what Jadge said.

It's primarily for the Thaxarian plot, and yes when I made it I had limited vocabulary but now after JPing on Iori Plot and Creating a power armor (Despite it being disapproved, but I guess that's the goo thing about Trial and Error.)

Also I must change the name of the organisation/cult to something more eccentric...
 
Ah, so you'll be updating it, then?
 
Yes, But not until after the previous 'to do' tasks are completed on my list.

1. Enhanced Anti-Proton Shock Cannon (EASC)-Pending (Not Approved)
2. Exocorp Technologies-Pending (Not approved)
3. Create character for Exocorp Technologies
4.get Exocorp Technologies Mecha Research and Development RP going-Yet to be started
5. This
 
First, could you make use of paragraphing ?
I had to dump this in TextEdit and manually fix it before I could read it.

Second, what are the possible political implications of these actions and how would they affect the overall world?
Don't be too direct if you don't want to but just enough to wet people's palletes and motivate them into your plot would be a big help for you.

Third, any terms you've used (Dark Forge, Genesis, etc) need to be outlined and explained unless they're commonly used terms throughout the Yamatai. A simple statement/glossary at the bottom would suffice.
For Example:

Lens: A tool through which light is manipulated through various shapes and thicknesses to achieve a desired effect.

OsakanOne: Somewhat of an idiot who needs to re-evaluate his roleplaying style who hopes to be preparing a character for use within the week.

Skhaal: A user with ideas which could really go places if only he/she made them a little more accessable whom I wish the best of luck.
 
RPG-D RPGfix
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