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Approved Character [The Wayward] Hugar
- Thread starter Semjax
- Start date
DocTomoe
Well-Known Member
Helashio and Lorath faction manager dropping in!
Howdy there! Thank you for taking interest in playing a Helashio! You've certainly done a good job in writing his features within the established norms, good job! Also, I do like the touch that he was originally born free, but was later sold off, it does well to establish his character being 'defiant' to say the least.
Though, there are some small tweaks which need to be made, some are nitpicky, others are needed to conform to canon plot.
Small nitpick would be in the statement of "Born freed" in relation to his birth, I'd leave the 'd' off of 'Freed', so it would not be a past-tense.
Next issue is the way in which Lorath are referred to in plural, which is, simply 'Lorath', and not 'Lorathians'.
Third issue is with the mistress' name, the Tur'listia family is exclusively the royalty, and each member of the family is currently accounted for due to plot events. However, a good way to salvage the matter would be to make her a member of what is referred to as 'New Tur'listia', which refers to the Lorath caste formerly known as Occhestian, but those which have remained loyal to the Matriarchy during a cultural schism / civil war. Alternatively, any other caste could do as well, such as the Fyunnen, Lmanel, or even the Occhestians. Occhestian would be a good choice if you really want to make the woman a wicked sort.
Fourth issue is about his being 'liberated'. When the Matriarchy was subjugated by the Yamatai Empire, there was no active liberation of Helashio. Instead, Helashio which were reluctant to serve were presented the opportunity to be free through law which was put into effect by the royalty, in response to political pressure which was placed upon the Matriarchy by the Empire. So, Hugar would not have so much been liberated, but instead would have been presented the opportunity by Lorath policy-makers and regulators; sort of social workers in a rather quirky sense.
Beyond those things, you've done rather well to familiarize yourself with the setting. I'm rather impressed. Good luck, and carry on.
Howdy there! Thank you for taking interest in playing a Helashio! You've certainly done a good job in writing his features within the established norms, good job! Also, I do like the touch that he was originally born free, but was later sold off, it does well to establish his character being 'defiant' to say the least.
Though, there are some small tweaks which need to be made, some are nitpicky, others are needed to conform to canon plot.
Small nitpick would be in the statement of "Born freed" in relation to his birth, I'd leave the 'd' off of 'Freed', so it would not be a past-tense.
Next issue is the way in which Lorath are referred to in plural, which is, simply 'Lorath', and not 'Lorathians'.
Third issue is with the mistress' name, the Tur'listia family is exclusively the royalty, and each member of the family is currently accounted for due to plot events. However, a good way to salvage the matter would be to make her a member of what is referred to as 'New Tur'listia', which refers to the Lorath caste formerly known as Occhestian, but those which have remained loyal to the Matriarchy during a cultural schism / civil war. Alternatively, any other caste could do as well, such as the Fyunnen, Lmanel, or even the Occhestians. Occhestian would be a good choice if you really want to make the woman a wicked sort.
Fourth issue is about his being 'liberated'. When the Matriarchy was subjugated by the Yamatai Empire, there was no active liberation of Helashio. Instead, Helashio which were reluctant to serve were presented the opportunity to be free through law which was put into effect by the royalty, in response to political pressure which was placed upon the Matriarchy by the Empire. So, Hugar would not have so much been liberated, but instead would have been presented the opportunity by Lorath policy-makers and regulators; sort of social workers in a rather quirky sense.
Beyond those things, you've done rather well to familiarize yourself with the setting. I'm rather impressed. Good luck, and carry on.
Alright. Things I changed:
Changed to born Free
Got rid of all things involving 'Lorathians' and changed it to 'Lorath'
Changed the Mistresses name to 'Occhestians'
Got rid of the word 'Liberated' and changed it to 'Once the Lorath Policy-Makers offered him a chance to not serve anymore'
If there is anything else @DocTomoe please don't hesitate to tell me! I really like this race, and the Lorath, both are very interesting!
Changed to born Free
Got rid of all things involving 'Lorathians' and changed it to 'Lorath'
Changed the Mistresses name to 'Occhestians'
Got rid of the word 'Liberated' and changed it to 'Once the Lorath Policy-Makers offered him a chance to not serve anymore'
If there is anything else @DocTomoe please don't hesitate to tell me! I really like this race, and the Lorath, both are very interesting!
