Star Army
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Approved Character Trowa Yamamoo
- Thread starter Cowboy
- Start date
Aendri
Inactive Member
Re: Tadao Yamamoo
Welcome, and have fun.
Now down to the painful part.
Healthy skin? Healthy how? Caucasian, Asiatic, Black...
I'm not sure about the cybernetic eye. I think Yamataian bodies reject cybernetics, but I'm not sure.
In the personality section, you mention a personal code in a major role. Could you detail that? If everything he does circles around it, it needs to be more specific.
I'm not sure if the history will work. What kind of accident? And more to the point, what kind of accident could be both big enough for him to resign, but small enough that it wouldn't be part of the site's history?
If all of that works, you have some major spell checking to do. Yamaati should be Yamataian, it's the Star Army of Yamatai, not Yamataian. And there's no navy, all of the military is called the Star Army, not Navy.
In addition, you need to add the boilerplate skills for the SAoY. Right now, he wouldn't be accepted simply due to skills.
That's all I see, but I'm not a mod, and don't know this stuff quite as well. I'll let them handle anything else.
Welcome, and have fun.
Now down to the painful part.
Healthy skin? Healthy how? Caucasian, Asiatic, Black...
I'm not sure about the cybernetic eye. I think Yamataian bodies reject cybernetics, but I'm not sure.
In the personality section, you mention a personal code in a major role. Could you detail that? If everything he does circles around it, it needs to be more specific.
I'm not sure if the history will work. What kind of accident? And more to the point, what kind of accident could be both big enough for him to resign, but small enough that it wouldn't be part of the site's history?
If all of that works, you have some major spell checking to do. Yamaati should be Yamataian, it's the Star Army of Yamatai, not Yamataian. And there's no navy, all of the military is called the Star Army, not Navy.
In addition, you need to add the boilerplate skills for the SAoY. Right now, he wouldn't be accepted simply due to skills.
That's all I see, but I'm not a mod, and don't know this stuff quite as well. I'll let them handle anything else.
Re: Tadao Yamamoo
I'll let one of the other character mods do a complete review.
But yes, Yamataians, can not use Cybernetics nor scar due to their regeneration
Definitely you want to spell check,
Star Army of Yamataian should be Star Army of Yamatai
Yamaati Battle Ship - Yamatai, what kind of ship was this?
Also how old was he when this happened?
As soon as he graduated high school; Tadao went straight into boot camp. But Tadao had a bit of a rogue streak in him. After he graduated, he left home and joined traveled around doing odd jobs and getting into all kinds of trouble.
If he enlisted (went into boot camp) right after completing school, then he wouldn't be travelling and doing odd jobs. He's be in the SAoY.
I'll let one of the other character mods do a complete review.
But yes, Yamataians, can not use Cybernetics nor scar due to their regeneration
Definitely you want to spell check,
Star Army of Yamataian should be Star Army of Yamatai
Yamaati Battle Ship - Yamatai, what kind of ship was this?
Also how old was he when this happened?
As soon as he graduated high school; Tadao went straight into boot camp. But Tadao had a bit of a rogue streak in him. After he graduated, he left home and joined traveled around doing odd jobs and getting into all kinds of trouble.
If he enlisted (went into boot camp) right after completing school, then he wouldn't be travelling and doing odd jobs. He's be in the SAoY.
Re: Tadao Yamamoo
1. So he likes to help his friends ... but what about obeying orders? Does he like to do that? How well does he do it?
2. Instead of "Battle Ship," just say warship or military vessel.
3. What kind of performing did the mother do?
4. "Later investigations," not "latter."
5. Gang wars on Yamatai are pretty rare, and are likely wars between rival clans, not gangs. Most are on in the Eastern portion of the nation, in places such as Malifar.
6. An energy rifle instead of "plasma rifle." Plasma has more distinctive properties in this setting (large damage, mostly in power armor weapons).
7. In the skills, you already know you need the boilerplate ones. Those will replace what you have for those skills already, but I'll go over them so you know what you cannot add later.
a. Entertainment: Reading people like this is an incredibly impressive skill, not to mention imitating any voice or copying any behavior. I'd settle for the copying behavior, but imitating voices takes one heck of a lot of work, not to mention great maintenance of one's voice.
b. Rogue: You've included history in this skill (posing as a military officer, as the SAoY doesn't have generals). Take that out. Keep history in history, and if you have to, use the history to justify the skill. Also, it's "ales."
c. Fighting: To start, it's "excellent." Next: He will not be an excellent marksman with any firearm. Not all firearms operate the same way, and without extensive training on all of them, a person will not use them at the same degree of skill. Use the boilerplate stuff here. If you want to create a subskill under Fighting for his throwing knife skill, you can do that.
d. Survival and Military: First, Tadao didn't join the Navy. He joined the Star Army of Yamatai. Next, when did he learn to do all of this tracking and moving and such if he was busy learning how to be a Rogue from his mother, or a soldier from his father? In fact, why didn't his father teach him these things?
e. Knowledge: Everyone on Yamatai has a theoretically "excellent" memory through their computerized brains. The skill is that he knows all of these songs, stories, personalities and inn layouts. Perhaps a more accurate way of framing this skill is that he's very observant.
f. Starship operations: Stick with the boilerplate, and do not use any of what you already have done. My character Yukari is a fair starship operator, but she couldn't perform at the level of even a beginning engineer no matter how many times she's seen it. The same goes for your character. He'll be good at some things, bad at others. That's just how it is. Show me some weaknesses.
g. There is no evidence, in the history or presented in the skill, that would show Tadao is an effective leader. I suggest you remove this skill and use the open slot to create the throwing knife subskill.
Overall: Overpowered, sloppy and too much like Marvel's Mystique character, but definitely workable. Basically, there are two views I have of this character: One is that he should be a Nepleslian serving with Nepleslia. Second, you didn't really study much or read much before creating this character, or you're merely careless.
This is your introduction. We take our fun seriously, and we want you to, as well, and this is your chance to show us that. The "rogue" side of this character is a good one, and could provide for some great interactions and roleplay with other characters. But he's too much of a badass right now, and he needs to not be. What are his flaws? What are his weaknesses? (History questions.) Where could he potentially fail his friends? What would he do if he does fail? How would he interact with others once he has failed? (Personality questions.) You need to answer these questions to make this character someone other people will want to play with.
Take the questions Aendri and Nashoba have already posed to you, as well as what I've listed here, and really scrub this character. There's a gem here; you've just got to polish it up.
This character is pending.
1. So he likes to help his friends ... but what about obeying orders? Does he like to do that? How well does he do it?
2. Instead of "Battle Ship," just say warship or military vessel.
3. What kind of performing did the mother do?
4. "Later investigations," not "latter."
5. Gang wars on Yamatai are pretty rare, and are likely wars between rival clans, not gangs. Most are on in the Eastern portion of the nation, in places such as Malifar.
6. An energy rifle instead of "plasma rifle." Plasma has more distinctive properties in this setting (large damage, mostly in power armor weapons).
7. In the skills, you already know you need the boilerplate ones. Those will replace what you have for those skills already, but I'll go over them so you know what you cannot add later.
a. Entertainment: Reading people like this is an incredibly impressive skill, not to mention imitating any voice or copying any behavior. I'd settle for the copying behavior, but imitating voices takes one heck of a lot of work, not to mention great maintenance of one's voice.
b. Rogue: You've included history in this skill (posing as a military officer, as the SAoY doesn't have generals). Take that out. Keep history in history, and if you have to, use the history to justify the skill. Also, it's "ales."
c. Fighting: To start, it's "excellent." Next: He will not be an excellent marksman with any firearm. Not all firearms operate the same way, and without extensive training on all of them, a person will not use them at the same degree of skill. Use the boilerplate stuff here. If you want to create a subskill under Fighting for his throwing knife skill, you can do that.
d. Survival and Military: First, Tadao didn't join the Navy. He joined the Star Army of Yamatai. Next, when did he learn to do all of this tracking and moving and such if he was busy learning how to be a Rogue from his mother, or a soldier from his father? In fact, why didn't his father teach him these things?
e. Knowledge: Everyone on Yamatai has a theoretically "excellent" memory through their computerized brains. The skill is that he knows all of these songs, stories, personalities and inn layouts. Perhaps a more accurate way of framing this skill is that he's very observant.
f. Starship operations: Stick with the boilerplate, and do not use any of what you already have done. My character Yukari is a fair starship operator, but she couldn't perform at the level of even a beginning engineer no matter how many times she's seen it. The same goes for your character. He'll be good at some things, bad at others. That's just how it is. Show me some weaknesses.
g. There is no evidence, in the history or presented in the skill, that would show Tadao is an effective leader. I suggest you remove this skill and use the open slot to create the throwing knife subskill.
Overall: Overpowered, sloppy and too much like Marvel's Mystique character, but definitely workable. Basically, there are two views I have of this character: One is that he should be a Nepleslian serving with Nepleslia. Second, you didn't really study much or read much before creating this character, or you're merely careless.
This is your introduction. We take our fun seriously, and we want you to, as well, and this is your chance to show us that. The "rogue" side of this character is a good one, and could provide for some great interactions and roleplay with other characters. But he's too much of a badass right now, and he needs to not be. What are his flaws? What are his weaknesses? (History questions.) Where could he potentially fail his friends? What would he do if he does fail? How would he interact with others once he has failed? (Personality questions.) You need to answer these questions to make this character someone other people will want to play with.
Take the questions Aendri and Nashoba have already posed to you, as well as what I've listed here, and really scrub this character. There's a gem here; you've just got to polish it up.
This character is pending.
Cowboy
Well-Known Member
Re: Tadao Yamamoo
Thanks to all of you for your advise. There's a lot of detail here and my mind is having trouble getting some of the Facts of this place streight. A little more research is needed. Sorry for the spelling errors, I'm not the best spell and sometimes spell check doesn't get everything.
I am glad that it is still workable. Doshii Jun, you have given me several good ideas from your segestions. I will work on this and revise as soon as I'm done.
Again, Thanks for all the advice and for being paitent with a newbe.
Thanks to all of you for your advise. There's a lot of detail here and my mind is having trouble getting some of the Facts of this place streight. A little more research is needed. Sorry for the spelling errors, I'm not the best spell and sometimes spell check doesn't get everything.
I am glad that it is still workable. Doshii Jun, you have given me several good ideas from your segestions. I will work on this and revise as soon as I'm done.
Again, Thanks for all the advice and for being paitent with a newbe.
Re: Tadao Yamamoo
Not a problem, Cowboy. Take your time.
Not a problem, Cowboy. Take your time.
Cowboy
Well-Known Member
Re: Tadao Yamamoo
I'm still not quite happy with the changes I've made. I took your advise to heart but I still feel like I've got a long way to go. I'd like some more advice on this guy, so please, tell me what you think of this.
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:yamamoo_trowa
I'm still not quite happy with the changes I've made. I took your advise to heart but I still feel like I've got a long way to go. I'd like some more advice on this guy, so please, tell me what you think of this.
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:yamamoo_trowa
Re: Tadao Yamamoo
Ok, starting members of the Star Army of Yamatai start at Santô Hei. I added that and a bit of Wiki linkage at the top of the page.
As I said earlier, Yamataians regenerate, so they can not have Cybernetics. You need to remove the cybernetic eye.
Okay, What was your character's father race wise. Was he a Geshrin or a Nepleslian originally?
Did Tadao upgrade to the Yamataian body before he enlisted or as part of the process?
I suggest you take a look at the following link. It gives your the boiler plate for the skills your character would get coming out of training.
Necessary Skills
You were missing the Standard Inventory, I added it to the page.
You need to look at the history, impersonating an Admiral while enlisted would be an extremely dangerous thing to do. Think Court Martial if he was caught.
Overall you've made a lot of progress but there is still some work to be done.
This character is still pending.
Ok, starting members of the Star Army of Yamatai start at Santô Hei. I added that and a bit of Wiki linkage at the top of the page.
As I said earlier, Yamataians regenerate, so they can not have Cybernetics. You need to remove the cybernetic eye.
Okay, What was your character's father race wise. Was he a Geshrin or a Nepleslian originally?
Did Tadao upgrade to the Yamataian body before he enlisted or as part of the process?
I suggest you take a look at the following link. It gives your the boiler plate for the skills your character would get coming out of training.
Necessary Skills
You were missing the Standard Inventory, I added it to the page.
You need to look at the history, impersonating an Admiral while enlisted would be an extremely dangerous thing to do. Think Court Martial if he was caught.
Overall you've made a lot of progress but there is still some work to be done.
This character is still pending.
Cowboy
Well-Known Member
Re: Tadao Yamamoo
Couple of questions,
1. He's half Geshrin and half Nepleslian, would that still prevent him from getting a cybernetic eye?
2. His father is a Geshrin. I just read where all Geshrin must get the upgrade to a Yamataian body before they enlisting. So if Trowa's father is a Yamataian and his mother is a Nepleslian, how does that affect my character?
3. When Trowa impersenated the Admiral, he wasn't enlisted yet. He was there with an enlisted friend. I know that impersenating an officer is very dangerous if you get caught, but that's part of the rouge side of Trowa. He's willing to take the risk.
Couple of questions,
1. He's half Geshrin and half Nepleslian, would that still prevent him from getting a cybernetic eye?
2. His father is a Geshrin. I just read where all Geshrin must get the upgrade to a Yamataian body before they enlisting. So if Trowa's father is a Yamataian and his mother is a Nepleslian, how does that affect my character?
3. When Trowa impersenated the Admiral, he wasn't enlisted yet. He was there with an enlisted friend. I know that impersenating an officer is very dangerous if you get caught, but that's part of the rouge side of Trowa. He's willing to take the risk.
Re: Tadao Yamamoo
Change his race from Yamataian.
Basically Geshrin + Nepleslian would pretty much make him a Nepleslian, which would allow you to have the cybernetic eye.
Also please delete the link at the top, since you changed the character name and created a different page.
Change his race from Yamataian.
Basically Geshrin + Nepleslian would pretty much make him a Nepleslian, which would allow you to have the cybernetic eye.
Also please delete the link at the top, since you changed the character name and created a different page.
As I said before, you need to work on the skills. You need to look at this page, this represents the level to which your character would be trained upon completion of training. Which is significantly more than what you have in the skills.
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=wr ... of_yamatai
As a member of SAoY you must have
Communications
Fighting
Technology Operation
Mathematics
So you need to make sure you have them, then add whatever extra skills you want.
https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=wr ... of_yamatai
As a member of SAoY you must have
Communications
Fighting
Technology Operation
Mathematics
So you need to make sure you have them, then add whatever extra skills you want.
Cowboy
Well-Known Member
Ah, I thought I had changed that. My mistake, correcting now.
One question though. I'm not sure what skill to remove to make room for Communication. In knowledge I have that Trowa has learned both Nepleslian and Yamataian from his parents. And in Entertainment Trowa is (or was) and actor, who would have skill in speaking clearly and effectively. This might be streaching a little so if its not ok I'll change something, Most likly Survival and Military.
One question though. I'm not sure what skill to remove to make room for Communication. In knowledge I have that Trowa has learned both Nepleslian and Yamataian from his parents. And in Entertainment Trowa is (or was) and actor, who would have skill in speaking clearly and effectively. This might be streaching a little so if its not ok I'll change something, Most likly Survival and Military.
Also, just a quick question: Can you eliminate Tadao's history? It's confusing to see.
Nash, you cool with him?
Looks good.
Next Steps:
You need to create a user page, use the red link in the character sheet for that.
Then you need to apply for orders Request for Orders
This character is approved for IC usage
Next Steps:
You need to create a user page, use the red link in the character sheet for that.
Then you need to apply for orders Request for Orders
This character is approved for IC usage
