WanTheFloof
Inactive Member
- Submission Faction(s)
- Nepleslia
- Submission Terms
- I agree
It's a Bear!
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Approved Submission Usarus Heavy Support Drone
- Thread starter WanTheFloof
- Start date
@Charmaylarg Dufrain Can you give this a once over and see if it gets your stamp of approval? Thanks!
Charmaylarg Dufrain
🎖️ Game Master
It is worded more of a prototype or proof on concept for a character meaning it usually doesn't really need my stamp of approval, but, its also worded as if its a semi-mass produced item for sale which does so ill proceed.
Is it a drone, a suit of powered armor or a mech? Because its worded as if its all three. Its size should eliminate it from the first category and the middle category would make it restricted in the eyes of the NPF (Nepleslia regulates autonomous war machines larger than your average nepleslian male to large and official private military groups. The average joe can own mecha and large drones but using them in nepspace casually or even recreationally isnt an easy thing to accomplish).
And while I've said in the past its fine for characters to make or own weapons inspired by nep weapons. If its an item for sale like this, It would require its own dedicated ammunition page as Nep wouldn't allow ammo like EMP or Antimatter charge equivalents to be used in its space at that grade by independent agents unless they are a large nad well established private military group. And even then Antimatter would still be considered illegal for use in a mecha grade for and independents to use in nepspace.
Ill take another glance further on in the review when whisper has made their requests, As the article needs some formatting and I'm sure I've missed something but those two are glaring from a nep perspective. Im not denying this article my stamp but i am reserving it for down the line to make sure i haven't missed anything and want to make sure first~
Is it a drone, a suit of powered armor or a mech? Because its worded as if its all three. Its size should eliminate it from the first category and the middle category would make it restricted in the eyes of the NPF (Nepleslia regulates autonomous war machines larger than your average nepleslian male to large and official private military groups. The average joe can own mecha and large drones but using them in nepspace casually or even recreationally isnt an easy thing to accomplish).
And while I've said in the past its fine for characters to make or own weapons inspired by nep weapons. If its an item for sale like this, It would require its own dedicated ammunition page as Nep wouldn't allow ammo like EMP or Antimatter charge equivalents to be used in its space at that grade by independent agents unless they are a large nad well established private military group. And even then Antimatter would still be considered illegal for use in a mecha grade for and independents to use in nepspace.
Ill take another glance further on in the review when whisper has made their requests, As the article needs some formatting and I'm sure I've missed something but those two are glaring from a nep perspective. Im not denying this article my stamp but i am reserving it for down the line to make sure i haven't missed anything and want to make sure first~
Okay! First off, thanks for the submission! The first couple of articles are usually a challenge, since SARP has some specific rules about how things should be handled. Here's some links that I keep handy and may reference in my feedback:
You don't need to have all of those memorized, but they all come in handy at different times. Some of them you might not stumble across when filling out your template - I know I didn't.
With that out of the way, let's focus on the submission.
First, because this is a combat drone and can be worn as power armor, I'd recommend using the Power Armor Template. I'm not sure which template you used, but I think it's not this one. In particular, the formatting for the Damage Capacity and Weapons systems needs to be preserved so that the article is consistent with other articles like it. You're already using the right language in the article, so I think you've got a solid grasp already - but, if you'd like some help, let me know!
Next, I'd like to understand if this is intended to be widely available or if it's a one-off. We consider the wiki to be 'all-knowing' and representative of how something is intended to be used. References to, "the market version will..", "the current thing is not the finished product...", etc, suggest that this is a one-off prototype - even if it isn't, these references should mostly be contained in the History section.
This could be as simple as saying, "As a prototype, the Usarus..." instead of, "the market version will..". The implication that something will be true requires me to treat as though it is true - which would mean treating the article as though it is the market version.
If you want to make a market version and Egwene's personal version of the armor, you could skip making a page for her personal version if the differences are primarily cosmetic or loadout based. If you do want to have your own page, you could modify something like the Personal Power Armor Template for tracking modifications and loadout of an existing set of power armor. That page wouldn't require approval, so long as everything on it had already been approved and was within the scope of the rules.
If you go with the market version, I'd recommend adding a section at the end for pricing, etc, since the default PA template doesn't have that. You could grab the relevant sections from the Weapon Template, which is pretty robust on that front. Or, you can use this part that I grabbed for you:
I had a little trouble picking out the differences between the Mule and Combat versions. It might be nice to have subsections under 'Key Features' to improve the readability/formatting a bit. In the stat sections, where you use:
it may read easier as:
(the sub bullets aren't working in the quote very well, but you get the jist)
I spotted some minor spelling and capitalization issues. While you're working on the above, give the article a proofread pass. After that, there's few enough issues that I'm happy to fix anything you might miss.
All in all, a really solid first submission. Keep Char's comments in mind as you're making changes and this should go pretty smoothly.
Thanks!
- Starship Speed Standard on Star Army Space Roleplay
- Damage Rating (Version 3) on Star Army Space Roleplay
- Shield System on Star Army Space Roleplay
- Weapon Limitations on Star Army Space Roleplay
- Submission Rules
- Reviewing Submissions on Star Army Space Roleplay
You don't need to have all of those memorized, but they all come in handy at different times. Some of them you might not stumble across when filling out your template - I know I didn't.
With that out of the way, let's focus on the submission.
First, because this is a combat drone and can be worn as power armor, I'd recommend using the Power Armor Template. I'm not sure which template you used, but I think it's not this one. In particular, the formatting for the Damage Capacity and Weapons systems needs to be preserved so that the article is consistent with other articles like it. You're already using the right language in the article, so I think you've got a solid grasp already - but, if you'd like some help, let me know!
Next, I'd like to understand if this is intended to be widely available or if it's a one-off. We consider the wiki to be 'all-knowing' and representative of how something is intended to be used. References to, "the market version will..", "the current thing is not the finished product...", etc, suggest that this is a one-off prototype - even if it isn't, these references should mostly be contained in the History section.
This could be as simple as saying, "As a prototype, the Usarus..." instead of, "the market version will..". The implication that something will be true requires me to treat as though it is true - which would mean treating the article as though it is the market version.
If you want to make a market version and Egwene's personal version of the armor, you could skip making a page for her personal version if the differences are primarily cosmetic or loadout based. If you do want to have your own page, you could modify something like the Personal Power Armor Template for tracking modifications and loadout of an existing set of power armor. That page wouldn't require approval, so long as everything on it had already been approved and was within the scope of the rules.
If you go with the market version, I'd recommend adding a section at the end for pricing, etc, since the default PA template doesn't have that. You could grab the relevant sections from the Weapon Template, which is pretty robust on that front. Or, you can use this part that I grabbed for you:
I had a little trouble picking out the differences between the Mule and Combat versions. It might be nice to have subsections under 'Key Features' to improve the readability/formatting a bit. In the stat sections, where you use:
it may read easier as:
(the sub bullets aren't working in the quote very well, but you get the jist)
I spotted some minor spelling and capitalization issues. While you're working on the above, give the article a proofread pass. After that, there's few enough issues that I'm happy to fix anything you might miss.
All in all, a really solid first submission. Keep Char's comments in mind as you're making changes and this should go pretty smoothly.
Thanks!
WanTheFloof
Inactive Member
It can't be worn as power armour. Or a Mech. It's a Drone, though it does have seating on the top for you to ride it, it's not protective in the slightest without after market modifications. The combat variant is autonomous but the mule variant needs it's targets painted for it because of the lack of combat cogitator. But if if Nep restricts autonomous wardrones, I can change it to have the combat version just have a better computer system that you can link to and control remotely with better accuracy. I am not sure where or how I implied it wasn't a drone but I'll fix that when pointed out.
The Usarus is basically something she is trying to sell to weapons manufactories. Basically she's made the concept and a working prototype and is trying to sell that design to a company that builds and sells weaponry and drones. I can change the wording of such to make it post-sale once it's approved. Which means there isn't quite so much a "Personal version" as there is a proof of concept version that shows them how it can work. If the sale does go through, Egwene's Usarus will be the same as every other Usarus.
Difference between Mule and Combat is that Mule is designed to carry heavy loads. It's literally a mule. Where as Combat Variant has better recoil compensators so it can house larger weaponry, as well as superior heat sinks, combat hardware and ammo banks.
Pricing, I'll definitely need a hand on. It doesn't seem to explain anywhere about how pricing works or even seem to have any kind of impact.
(Fixed up spelling)
The Usarus is basically something she is trying to sell to weapons manufactories. Basically she's made the concept and a working prototype and is trying to sell that design to a company that builds and sells weaponry and drones. I can change the wording of such to make it post-sale once it's approved. Which means there isn't quite so much a "Personal version" as there is a proof of concept version that shows them how it can work. If the sale does go through, Egwene's Usarus will be the same as every other Usarus.
Difference between Mule and Combat is that Mule is designed to carry heavy loads. It's literally a mule. Where as Combat Variant has better recoil compensators so it can house larger weaponry, as well as superior heat sinks, combat hardware and ammo banks.
Pricing, I'll definitely need a hand on. It doesn't seem to explain anywhere about how pricing works or even seem to have any kind of impact.
(Fixed up spelling)
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Okay. I saw references to people sitting on it and potentially in it, but I can see what you mean now. I think it's the stat block that threw me off the most.
One way to address that might be something like this:
Something like that would make your intent more clear. You definitely had references to the Usarus being a drone, but sometimes people submit drones that are also power armors, so it's good to make sure it's extra clear.
For the prototype vs production model bit - yeah, let's make it post sale, but you can include her intents and history in the appropriate sections if you'd like. The rest of the article can safely assume that its discussing the finalized version. You're certainly welcome to use a prototype version in RP for however long you think makes sense before the Usarus 'officially' goes on sale.
For pricing, here's two pages that are worth looking at:
One way to address that might be something like this:
Something like that would make your intent more clear. You definitely had references to the Usarus being a drone, but sometimes people submit drones that are also power armors, so it's good to make sure it's extra clear.
For the prototype vs production model bit - yeah, let's make it post sale, but you can include her intents and history in the appropriate sections if you'd like. The rest of the article can safely assume that its discussing the finalized version. You're certainly welcome to use a prototype version in RP for however long you think makes sense before the Usarus 'officially' goes on sale.
For pricing, here's two pages that are worth looking at:
- https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=guide:pricing
- https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=wip:price_index
WanTheFloof
Inactive Member
I made some edits. Put in some rough pricing. I do need a generic energy reactor that Nep uses and a manufactuer to put in the app though. After that I'll write up Egwene's personal variant and potentially Superarmoured Variant and Energy Shield Variant later on.
Changed link from Usarus to the correctly named Ursarus. This has unfortunately broken the top links and I can't edit, so the new links are here.
Changed link from Usarus to the correctly named Ursarus. This has unfortunately broken the top links and I can't edit, so the new links are here.
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Sounds good!
Fixed the links at the top for you, thanks for including a new one here.
When you add a manufacturer, please also include it in the opening section. Something like, "Prototyped by Egwene Tai in early YE_42. Full production by (manufacturer name) began later that year." @Charmaylarg Dufrain any suggestions on a manufacturer and power source?
A common, civilian-accessible power sources would be the https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=corp:ohi:hyperspace_fuel_tap, https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=corp:origin:high_output_nuclear_energy, or https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=corp:bwe:power:bw-pc-1a. You can also just leave it at 'large energy reactor', since the tech is sufficiently common.
In the 'About' section, you mention that the Ursarus is designed in 'two major components', but I'm not sure what those are. Can you clarify that?
The Variants are much clearer now in the 'Key Features' section, thank you!
Please add links for anything that hasn't been previously linked. You don't have to go crazy, but anything that's on the wiki that a person might not be expected to automatically know should be linked at least once. That includes 'Egwene Tai', 'L-3000', etc.
The second paragraph in the 'History' section is a little unclear. Give it a look please.
Weights, measurements, etc should be in metric. Please change references to pounds to kg and speeds to km/h.
Should be good for approval once those points have been addressed. Thanks!
Fixed the links at the top for you, thanks for including a new one here.
When you add a manufacturer, please also include it in the opening section. Something like, "Prototyped by Egwene Tai in early YE_42. Full production by (manufacturer name) began later that year." @Charmaylarg Dufrain any suggestions on a manufacturer and power source?
A common, civilian-accessible power sources would be the https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=corp:ohi:hyperspace_fuel_tap, https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=corp:origin:high_output_nuclear_energy, or https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=corp:bwe:power:bw-pc-1a. You can also just leave it at 'large energy reactor', since the tech is sufficiently common.
In the 'About' section, you mention that the Ursarus is designed in 'two major components', but I'm not sure what those are. Can you clarify that?
The Variants are much clearer now in the 'Key Features' section, thank you!
Please add links for anything that hasn't been previously linked. You don't have to go crazy, but anything that's on the wiki that a person might not be expected to automatically know should be linked at least once. That includes 'Egwene Tai', 'L-3000', etc.
The second paragraph in the 'History' section is a little unclear. Give it a look please.
Weights, measurements, etc should be in metric. Please change references to pounds to kg and speeds to km/h.
Should be good for approval once those points have been addressed. Thanks!
WanTheFloof
Inactive Member
Manufacturer added.
Added the BW PC as the power source.
That, is a massive brain derp. "Components" has been corrected to "Variants"
All links linked.
Hopefully clarified? I'm not sure...
All measures measured.
Added the BW PC as the power source.
That, is a massive brain derp. "Components" has been corrected to "Variants"
All links linked.
Hopefully clarified? I'm not sure...
All measures measured.
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Saw that it's listed for the NDC now, so giving FM approval on that front. I made a handful of small flow or grammar edits, which you can see here.
I'm not sure what this line means:
Is that referring to the gun's ability to withstand damage, deal damage, or something else?
Once that's been addressed, we can wrap this up.
I'm not sure what this line means:
Is that referring to the gun's ability to withstand damage, deal damage, or something else?
Once that's been addressed, we can wrap this up.
WanTheFloof
Inactive Member
Personally I don't get why half those edits were made. But, then I guess that is why they weren't made in the first place xD So I'll trust your judgement.
I have clarified. The rails restrict the maximum size of the weapon because anything bigger will buckle them and have the gun trapped in the mouth. It all depends on if you are happy with the gun you are putting there or if you want more freedom with it. Building it on rails allows you to easily slide the gun out and replace it.
I have clarified. The rails restrict the maximum size of the weapon because anything bigger will buckle them and have the gun trapped in the mouth. It all depends on if you are happy with the gun you are putting there or if you want more freedom with it. Building it on rails allows you to easily slide the gun out and replace it.
Thanks for the clarification! I added a few links and moved it to the Weapons section.
Let's see if this submission meets the requirements for inclusion in Star Army's lore...
[
] 1. The destination URL should be a page in the appropriate namespace and titled lower_case_with_underscores
[ ] 2. The article is in the appropriate format and article template
[ ] 3. The article follows our wiki-style guidelines, including No forced line breaks, text after each section header, etc.
[ ] 4. The article is easily read and free of errors in spelling and grammar
[ ] 5. Links to other wiki articles are present as appropriate and are not broken
[ ] 6. The article fits into the Star Army universe's space opera theme and technology levels
[ ] 7. Images in the article are hosted on Star Army's wiki and sourced responsibly (contact Wes privately if there's a concern)
[ ] 8. The article is original and doesn't contain copy-pasted content from other articles.
[ ] 9. The article complies with Star Army's rules in terms of damage ratings, speed limits, etc.
[ ] 10. The Faction Manager(s), if applicable, have posted approval for this article in this thread.
Approved! Your new link is here.
Also - thank you for being patient with me and the submission process.
I added a few links and moved it to the Weapons section.Let's see if this submission meets the requirements for inclusion in Star Army's lore...
[
] 1. The destination URL should be a page in the appropriate namespace and titled lower_case_with_underscores[
] 2. The article is in the appropriate format and article template[
] 3. The article follows our wiki-style guidelines, including No forced line breaks, text after each section header, etc.[
] 4. The article is easily read and free of errors in spelling and grammar[
] 5. Links to other wiki articles are present as appropriate and are not broken[
] 6. The article fits into the Star Army universe's space opera theme and technology levels[
] 7. Images in the article are hosted on Star Army's wiki and sourced responsibly (contact Wes privately if there's a concern)[
] 8. The article is original and doesn't contain copy-pasted content from other articles.[
] 9. The article complies with Star Army's rules in terms of damage ratings, speed limits, etc.[
] 10. The Faction Manager(s), if applicable, have posted approval for this article in this thread.Approved! Your new link is here.
Also - thank you for being patient with me and the submission process.
