Approved Character Vincienzo Bortolli

[Lamb]

Vince, Vinnie, or Enzo. Whichever you prefer.

https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=ch ... e_bortelli

My email is <REMOVED>, but I will be here on the forum just as frequently as I check my email, so neither one is superior.

Please read over it and help me to make this character actually worthwile and usable. I know that using this guy poses a pretty big challenge here, but I like the character som much already.

 

[Fay]

Hey, Lam. I'm happy to review your character today. Here we go:

1) Do you have a set plot in mind for this character?

2) Since this is your first character, I'd recommend starting off not playing an independent character. It is hard to work out.. impossible if you don't have a plot already in mind. He could still be a 'scab on society'.. but just enrolled in the Nepleslian military or something. I've read your discussion on the forum and agree with the replies that were given.

3) So... he has good muscles... but he is still sickly thin enough to show ribs?

4) "With a wide jaw and an imperial nose, it's no secret what kind of bloodline Vince follows." I don't really like this sentence, truthfully. I don't really think Neps have 'noble bloodlines', if that is what you are hinting at, but I could be wrong. I'd appreciate it if a Nep GM would correct me or agree with me on this matter.

5) Where is his father? There are no 'unknowns' in the OOC of SARP.

6) In Pre-RP History: I think you misused the term 'mulling'. Mulling, courtesy of [url=http://www.dictionary.com]http://www.dictionary.com[/url]

7) In Pre-RP History: received (paragraph 1) and communicate (paragraph 2) is misspelled. In Fighting skill: ineffective is misspelled. In Entertainment skill: instruments and performing are misspelled. In Communications skill: restaurant is misspelled.

8) Where is he now? Just floating in space in an escape pod? Is he technically in Yamatai or Nepleslia? You are somewhat vague in the history about this. A little more fleshing out here is needed, I think.

9) I think you should take Demolitions out of the Rogue skill and replace the Physical skill with it. I find the Physical skill way too over-powered. Basically, you just stated that your character can dodge bullets. That is highly unlikely, if not impossible, no matter how lanky you are. A 'normal' Nepleslian wouldn't be able to do such things. One last thing: you misspelled propel.

10) In Humanities, the last sentence of the paragraph is grammatically incorrect. Remove 'can' or the 's' in 'ascertains'. Anyways, how is he a good diplomat if he can't even speak their language fluently?

11) I'm not even going to comment on the inventory for now. The Electronic Money Card is basically a debit card, I'd think. It is used instead of hard currency.

Character pending until above issues are addressed. I highly recommend that you start afresh with a military character before trying to dive into the independent side of this RP site.

 

[Aendri]

One quick note, you probably want to edit your email out of your post. That makes it so trolls can't pick it up. It's not necessary for the site, so don't worry about it.

 

[Lamb]

I'd like to answer a few of your questions before I make a few of the changes and provide information reguarding certain mistakes in wording as I go along. I will, of course, make neccesary changes.

First off, I do not currently have a plot in mind to join. So, as I see it, until I do my character is simply floating around in an escape pod looking sad, angry, or both. If that's fine with you. I'd like to float into the general vicinity of the first plot I join just as the GM tells me I can be there.

Secondly, I intend to create a military character to while away my time waiting for my boring evil guy to do something. I do want to make it clear that this is my project guy. My first priority will be to get him out the door and into a plot. Once I've hit a dead end with him, I'll make another character to fool around with while I wait for things to happen to my first character. Which, from what I understand, is going to be a lot. And I will totally be willing to listen to you all say you told me so when my character dies or disappears forever for no good reason. That's all fine by me.

Now, about the skills. I DO intend to edit ALL of them to your standards, or at least to explain better the ones that may have given you the wrong idea.

For example: In the Physical portion of the sheet, I meant things more like thrown items such as bricks, stones, empty guns, etc. I wasn't trying to insinuate that my character could dodge bullets. I agree; that's just downright unrealistic.

Another thing I'd like to apologize for is the facial structure. In retrospect, it doesn't make much sense from a IC point of view, but I was describing the character as if I were looking at him. I had given him very Italian features, and a last name. So to me, it was obvious I was looking at an Italian. However, within the universe, Italy isn't even known; much less distinctive. So, although it may be possible for an extremely Italian-looking person to come into being with an extremely Italian-sounding name due to some rare genetic coincidence; no one in the universe would be capable of drawing that conclusion.

And the thing with the father. I would have come up with a backstory, I just though it was irrelevant. The point was that the character's father had abandoned him and his mother to go off and join the Star Army, and god only knows what after that. Of course, after your input, I've decided to give the locations of both parents and add a few family members to the list. You have no idea how pleasantly suprised I am that this site actually values such details. Small things like that make the whole character design process just as fun as the actual playing of that character, and it allows the player to truly know himself as he plays the character. It also provides juicy little potential future plots.

Of course I wanted to know if the father's position is okay. Seeing as he joined up thirty years ago, he'd have to have been in the then newly-founded Yamatai Star Army. I feel that someone who'd been in that long could have a warship for a few years before they retire to whateverism. Also, you may feel uncomfortabled having a newcomer place his immediate family high up in the echelons of your militaries, so I'm willing to just kill the old guy and take it out completely. Although, it is important to me that Vince is the product of a single mother, for profiling reasons; among other things.

I've also decided I'd like to start with no money to really help me get a feel for the desperation my character will likely have.

Another thing to change is the muscle tone statement. I wanted it to be evident that the character wasn't eating well, despite taking care of himself. I will find a better way to express that.

Ooh, and in the second paragraph of Pre-RP, that is the correct word. Communicae. Unfortunately for me, it appears to not exist. I know it does in some form or fashion, because I'm not the only loser on the internet who thinks this, but it's not in multiple dictionaries, so I guess it doesn't exist. Changed.

Of course the spelling and grammatical errors will be fixed. Merely a product of hasty typography on my part. As is the part about mulling. I had intended to suggest his new job gave him time to think about the universe and all that nice stuff. Changed,

Let's see... I think that's everything. FOR NOW! Please follow up and thank you for your time!

 

[Fay]

I'm happy that you are so cooperative about this. I've known many a player in the past to get downright disrespectful to reviewers you tear their characters apart in one go.

I don't really see a problem with you creating a main character, then supplementing your time with another one. If your character dies in the military, he'll probably get resurrected via the brain-bug thing of Nepleslia or the Soul Transfer system of Yamatai. You can also transfer military characters between plots of that same nation.

Alright, I understand what you mean now about the Physical. I had a feeling that was it, but I had to be sure. Wording and attention to detail are very important here. It's just a precaution from potential god-modding and eventual banning, I assure you.

Hm... maybe take a look at the other 'Italian' characters of SARP? Idk if he is really based off of Italians, but this guy could be easily mistaken as one, if you ask me.

His father's death at some point might be better, in the long run. I doubt that someone could serve the Star Army for that long... Wes could correct me, I'm sure. If the admins and GMs of the site will allow you to have a father that high up, then I'd say go for it. He'd be the black sheep of his family because of his lifestyle of crime. If his father is still alive, he'd probably have changed into a Yamataian body or gone back home to Nepleslia.

We pride ourselves in the amount of detail that goes into this roleplay. Such details about family do allow for nice little plot twists... especially if the plot mission brings him around to his home planet, or something.

Now that I think about it, I may have heard "Communicae" before.. but I don't think it is an English word... Maybe Old English or some other less used dialect of the English language. I understand what you mean about mulling. However, the way you used it kind of sounded like it took the place of the word 'meandering' or 'wandering'.

I'll have Nashoba or Doshii look into this profile for some more input if they have time. Keep up the good work! ^_^

 

[Aendri]

Communicae is the misunderstood version of communique, I believe. It means quite literally, a communication (as in the noun form). Don't know if that's what you were going for, but I can't remember where communicae is from.

 

[Lamb]

You are correct in that Communique is the word I was looking for. The American bastardization being commincae; a regular part of my vernacular. It's funny how little we consider the words we use everyday.

Anyhow, If it would speed up the review process; I can go ahead kill of the father. I've got plenty of other good family members and the Yamatai Star Army has had plenty of battles for him to die in. As I've said before, although I really like this character and would love to play him, my main objective is getting back to the RP world. And I think Star Army is the perfect place for that. I'm interested in making a few other characters, so if this one is too radical or too hard to deal with, I can trash him.

I'd really rather not; but, I'd like to get the show on the road so to speak.

I've been reading the active plots and the like for a while. Even before I registered and made my prescence and my intentions known. I have done some significant browsing of the wiki, and I feel that I could jump in any moment with grace.

That may just be overconfidence talking, but I haven't RP'd in quite a while, and I'm very excited to get back in the chair.

Either way, I'm sure we can reach an agreement without too much loss on either part: please follow up.

 

[Wes]

He seems almost void of any emotions other than rambunctious happiness and all-encompassing anger--the two of which he constantly slides between. Vince is most likely a sociopath, given his ability to charm others and quickly turn them to the wolves. When not making a mess of things for himself or others, Vince is generally a kindhearted and generous person, always finding time to entertain himself and the people around him with stories and music.

How do "sociopath" and "kindhearted" not contradict?

**Goals:** Make money and survive.

How much?

(commanding officer of a warship in the Star Army of Yamatai)

Which ship? I will consider allowing it, although I'm wary of this being used for "pulling strings."

to disarm his foes through action, rather than words.

How does this not contradict...

His natural charm and dry wit allow him to talk himself out of most situations without resorting to combat

?

Everything else seems fine to me. Also...

* 1 bar of stolen public shower soap

I LOLed. Good detail.

 

[Lamb]

Although it generally has a negative connotation, a sociopath is officially someone who has no reguard for the rules of a society. I.E. his is emotionally unaffected by them. (From what I understand, that is.) This may surface in a number of ways: hostility, anti-social behavior, or even constant lies. However, in most cases, there is nothing stopping a sociopath from being kind to his fellow man. In fact, it's often helpful for a sociopath to be kind to people's faces and those with good self-control are usually quite kindhearted for all that can be measured. In my experience, the most manipulative people are very nice to everyone they meet, unless someone more important to their intent is their enemy. In that case, they usually show hostility in order to sway said important person. This is observed from case studies conducted by Karen Horney and BF Skinner, who in their field were pretty much opposites. I think if they agree on it, I can make that assumption safely. As always, I will gladly change it for a more accurate description.

That being said, I'll move on:
I love the goals I set for this character. The money is pretty much ANY amount. I think I'll add "get my ship back" and "wherever possible" to it, to make it a bit better, though.

As for the ship, I was hoping it would be some ship swept away in the middle of nowhere, never to be seen or heard from for any important reason. Initially, I just wanted the father to have disappeared into the ranks of the military forever. Upon the need for greater details I came up with the minor command post idea. Either way, I have no intention of using the father to pull strings or any such nonsense. If the two ever interacted at all, the interaction would only be negative, and probably also short, unless whatever GM I was under wanted to capitolize on it.

I will fine tune the humanities section. I suppose the "rather than words" will be replaced with "when words aren't available."

A side note: I don't know if you've ever taken any public shower soap IRL, but it's actually a colgate product. It's called "Colgate Octagon All-purpose Soap" and it's actually pretty good. It smells nice, it's cheap, and most of all, it's plentiful. One bar usually lasts me well over three months. Most public showers cut it into threes. That being said, thank you for your time.

 

[Wes]

Character Approved