Posted to a certain door on a certain starship, freelancing in a certain portion of the Kikyo sector.
Captain.
You have stifled my natural creativity, culinary ingenuity, and the entire crew's need for sustenance of soul as well as body since day one. It is now day two. Our demands are simple and unequivocal. At the next port of call, you will procure the rations outlined in the following recipe [attached]. Failure to do so will be seen as the hostile act of a fundamentally illegitimate captain against a patient and understanding band of comrades that, prior to their violent mutiny, had simply been pushed too far.
The cultural and spiritual atrocity you continue to commit against this crew with your spendthrift enforcement of a diet of psomi, textured vegetable protein, and sherry vinaigrette will not soon be forgotten in the annals of history. I urge you to treat this matter with the depth and seriousness it self-evidently deserves.
Sic semper tyrannis, you incomprehensible monster.
With the utmost love and respect,
Izual Katos
Culinary Enfancification Specialist and Tactical Operations
Izual's Morale-Boosting Anti-Mutiny Baklava
- 400g phyllo pastry. If you can't make your own phyllo pastry, store-bought is fine.
- 385g unsalted butter, preferably fresh.
- 200g caster sugar.
- 100g pure water.
- 50g rosewater.
- 300g almonds, finely chopped.
- 75g walnuts, finely chopped.
- 75g pistachios, finely chopped.
- 125g confectioner's sugar.
- Ground cardamom and cloves.
In separate bowls, blend almonds and 65g of confectioner's sugar, walnuts and 30g of confectioner's sugar, and pistachios and 30g of confectioner's sugar. Spice each to taste with cardamom and cloves. Recommend 10g or less of each, total.
Preheat oven to 175C.
Prepare the syrup. Combine water and caster sugar in a small saucepan and bring to boil. When it is fully bubbling and the sugar has dissolved, remove from heat, quickly stir in rosewater, and set aside.
Melt butter in heat safe bowl. Keep your phyllo pastry refrigerated until you are completely ready to begin assembly. Phyllo pastry dries quickly, so make sure your ingredients are ready and accessible, speed and agility are of the essence.
Brush all interior surfaces of a 20cm baking dish with melted butter. Layer phyllo sheets, with an additional brushing of butter after each individual sheet. Build up ten layers of phyllo pastry and butter.
Add half of almond mixture and evenly spread over bottom layers of phyllo. Take a moment to press the mixture down, with a spatula or your hand, like compressing sand. Build four more layers of pastry, then add pistachio mixture, and press. Build four more layers of pastry, then add other half of almond mixture, and press. Build four more layers of pastry, then add walnut mixture, and - you are correct, dear reader - press.
Once all nut mixtures are alternated, build up another ten layers of phyllo and butter to top.
Do not butter the top layer of phyllo yet. Press down on the entire assembly of pastry and nuts, until the top layers are sticking together and everything is even and tightly compressed.
Using a very sharp knife, cut uncooked baklava into equally sized lozenges, squares, or triangles. In a traditional and elegant presentation, quadrilateral lozenges of small size and refined angles are preferred, but such uncivilized types as we, on the fringes of space, may present our baklava in whatever manner we please.
Generously and evenly brush butter over the top layer, then brush butter again around the edges. Bake for 25-35 minutes, until phyllo pastry is a deep and resplendent golden brown. Immediately out of the oven, pour rosewater syrup across all creases and cuts in the top of the baklava. Sizzling is good and desired. Immediately cover tightly with foil and let set overnight.
Serve garnished with rose petals, ground pistachios, or both, as well as the deep sense of pride you command at having presented so delicate and refined a dessert to such rough individuals as these.