So, like we talked about a bit, I'll give you a rundown in here, so you know what can be worked on.
- The name is okay, but most people picked up a surname when they switched into a Caelisolan body, since it was a Plebeian thing to not have a surname.
- The wings being black isn't something special he'd have to do. It's an uncommon color, but not unheard of, and much like neko bodies, Caelisolan bodies could be fully customized to their user's desire.
- Under eyes, "though not one
too noticable"
- You should include something in the distinguishing features, even if it's nothing big. Everyone has SOMETHING about that that sets them apart, even if that something is that they're completely unremarkable (think
Martin from the Dresden Files)
- Like I mentioned, his hatred for Plebeians is kinda baseless, because on the whole, they don't exist anymore. I need to edit the wiki to better reflect that, but something like 2% or less is still in a Plebeian body at this point, so hating an extinct species is kinda silly.
- You can remove the notes about things he wouldn't mention to anyone. The wiki isn't something characters can look up, so it's entirely up to you as the player what to reveal or bring up. No need to note what he would tell someone, just show us. Also, just a note, but eroticism isn't frowned upon in Elysia at all, it's very ancient Greece in that respect.
- If he was born on the homeworld (which is Yamatai, if you weren't aware) in YE06, then he would've been born into a war zone, though this would be a good way to explain his parents being dead, since a HUGE portion of the Elysian population was killed when
The Heavens were destroyed. They were kicked off of the planet by YE08, and the wars were only on hold until YE14, so that's not much time to grow up. You might want to make him a bit older, might fix it a bit. Born ~3-4 years before YE01, that way there's a bit more time to grow before all of the rather final stuff happens?
- Keep in mind, as well, that as a Plebeian, he would have most likely needed to steal books and other learning materials. The Plebeians, outside of a very limited number, were on a level only barely above slaves.
- Next, the Senate of Elysia didn't exist until YE28, so he couldn't have been marrying a Senator's daughter back in YE26. Even ignoring that, though, it was very literally unthinkable for a Patrician to marry a Plebeian until the last 5 years or so, roughly coinciding with the introduction of the Caelisolan body. He might be almost a mistress equivalent, but honor is (and always has been) almost everything to Elysians, and a relationship with a Plebeian would shame her family to an incredible extent.
I'll leave the rest of the history alone for now, until we've talked a bit more about how to tweak around what I've already mentioned.
- The phrasing in the communications skill needs some work. It's hard to explain (closest I can come is it's a bit stilted and jerky), but I can tweak it a bit for you if you'd like.
- Under knowledge, you mention that he has a perfect memory. Does he have an eidetic memory in general, or just on these specific subjects?
- Engineering needs to be clarified a LOT. That's a very broad field, just saying that he has knowledge of "engineering" isn't going to cut it.
- Maintenance is kinda touchy. If he has no hands on experience, it's VERY hard to use that skill. Any good mechanic or repairman will tell you book knowledge means nothing beside actual experience working on something.
- Biology needs to be cut back a fair bit. Keep in mind that thousands upon thousands of scientists have been studying nothing but the earth's biological aspects for literal centuries, longer depending on how you define it, and we are STILL learning things we got wrong or hadn't even started to learn yet. A 30 year old knowing MULTIPLE planets worth of biological data on anything but the most general scale just isn't feasible, especially with all of the other skills.
- Same thing as above with Humanities. That's WAY too broad a spectrum to have even the most basic of training in all of them on top of everything else. Diplomacy is the only part that isn't a full on field of its own, and that's only because it draws specific parts of several of the others. We're talking 20+ years of schooling to reach even generalist levels in each field.
-Wash, rinse repeat with Medical and Science. Again, it's a full on, VERY in depth field that people will spend decades learning.
The skills in the general need to be toned back. It almost reads like you've tried to make him a specialist in about a dozen different fields, which would result in him being effectively worthless in all of them. There's a big difference between having read about something and actually being able to put that information to use.
Also, cut off the part about "He would be considered" at the end of each skill. It's redundant, and not all that accurate anyway. I know people who have no college experience who are just naturally talented in fields, and I know people with decades of schooling who are still useless. List the skills, and let the RP determine where he falls out.
-On the items... the sword is touchy. Like I mentioned before, Elysians are very big on honor. Poisoned blades, assassination... none of that is natural or right to them. Just carrying that kind of weapon would be enough to make a large chunk of the population look down on him, let alone actually using it.
Overall? You've obviously put in the time and work to fill out the character, but there are some discrepancies big enough that they definitely need to be addressed. This one is
pending further updates.
