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Approved Character [YSS Heartbreaker]] Darren Laverton
- Thread starter Firebrand
- Start date
Reynolds
Well-Known Member
Make sure to set up your user page. Delete the Measurements spot if you're not going to use it. Might want to put a placeholder image at the top if you don't have any art yet.
I think he might need to weigh a little more to fit the body type you're describing, but I'm not sure. Just off the top of my head, some wrestlers at 5'10 or 5'11 are 200-205 lbs, and they definitely don't seem 'stout'. The power lifter types I've seen around that height are usually 250-300 or so. I could be wrong here, and they do usually inflate the numbers a touch, but it's the first thing I think of where height/weight is announced.
I see how the accent fits with the country lifestyle, but you might want to tone it down just a tad. Not a requirement there, fine to keep, just a suggestion. It also seems odd that he'd be listed as fluent in Yamataigo but mispronounce common words. Since you're playing a fully grown adult, there needs to be more history. Maybe give a few more examples of odd jobs he was good at or things he learned. Expand the next bit about joining the SA a bit, give a bit more info on how he responded to the city, Neko, the training, what he was good/bad at, etc.
Your skills seem to be straight copy/pasted and not edited at all. Which is fine, except they all refer to Darren as a she...
You can just link to the Common Skills if you want to make it easier. Except for the things you're specializing in with extra info. Like you should also know how to drive with the Vehicle skill, etc.
MCAS works for space stuff. You might also be expected to use a Daisy when they go down to planets. Be aware that I like everyone to keep a little section that details their suit's loadouts. You can see them on the main Heartbreaker page and on other people's character pages. Can worry about that after you've joined, though.
Regarding Chewing Tobacco It's not allowed in uniform and it and smoking are banned basically everywhere on Yamatai, I believe. So you can have the habit and sneak it on board if you really want to, but should expect a lot of trouble and to likely have it eventually confiscated. And there's little chance of a resupply out where we're headed.
Tidy that stuff up and you should be good, there's not really any big problems, just a few little things. Thanks!
I think he might need to weigh a little more to fit the body type you're describing, but I'm not sure. Just off the top of my head, some wrestlers at 5'10 or 5'11 are 200-205 lbs, and they definitely don't seem 'stout'. The power lifter types I've seen around that height are usually 250-300 or so. I could be wrong here, and they do usually inflate the numbers a touch, but it's the first thing I think of where height/weight is announced.
I see how the accent fits with the country lifestyle, but you might want to tone it down just a tad. Not a requirement there, fine to keep, just a suggestion. It also seems odd that he'd be listed as fluent in Yamataigo but mispronounce common words. Since you're playing a fully grown adult, there needs to be more history. Maybe give a few more examples of odd jobs he was good at or things he learned. Expand the next bit about joining the SA a bit, give a bit more info on how he responded to the city, Neko, the training, what he was good/bad at, etc.
Your skills seem to be straight copy/pasted and not edited at all. Which is fine, except they all refer to Darren as a she...
You can just link to the Common Skills if you want to make it easier. Except for the things you're specializing in with extra info. Like you should also know how to drive with the Vehicle skill, etc.
MCAS works for space stuff. You might also be expected to use a Daisy when they go down to planets. Be aware that I like everyone to keep a little section that details their suit's loadouts. You can see them on the main Heartbreaker page and on other people's character pages. Can worry about that after you've joined, though.
Regarding Chewing Tobacco It's not allowed in uniform and it and smoking are banned basically everywhere on Yamatai, I believe. So you can have the habit and sneak it on board if you really want to, but should expect a lot of trouble and to likely have it eventually confiscated. And there's little chance of a resupply out where we're headed.
Tidy that stuff up and you should be good, there's not really any big problems, just a few little things. Thanks!
Reynolds
Well-Known Member
Only thing that's missing, which I forgot originally, is that you might want to toss in a sentence that explains when/why he upgraded to a Minkan body. Probably just when joining SA. This is APPROVED though, and you're good to post in the OOC thread. I'll add you to the wiki tomorrow...later today. Also I approve of the avatar...took me a minute and some squinting to remember who it reminded me of. Didn't think it was actually him, because I didn't think anyone else had seen that show...
