Character Article URL: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:yumi_matonaka
Preferred Plot's GM: @Reynolds
Preferred Plot's GM: @Reynolds
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Approved Character [YSS Heartbreaker] Matonaka, Yumi
- Thread starter Semjax
- Start date
Reynolds
Well-Known Member
You might want to give it another pass for typos. I saw things like site instead of sight, Greshin instead of Geshrin, etc.
It seems well written other than a few small mistakes like that.
But, is this a new character? She seems to have a very extensive backstory. Did this all happen here, or is it newly created? I'm not sure how I feel about some parts of the history, but if they already happened on the board, we obviously can't really change them. Anything else I'd ask about basically hinges on that.
I do like that she still has the Daisy 1 since she's been around for a bit. Does someone more knowledgeable know if there are specific downsides between the Daisy 2 and the original that might require the upgrade?
It seems well written other than a few small mistakes like that.
But, is this a new character? She seems to have a very extensive backstory. Did this all happen here, or is it newly created? I'm not sure how I feel about some parts of the history, but if they already happened on the board, we obviously can't really change them. Anything else I'd ask about basically hinges on that.
I do like that she still has the Daisy 1 since she's been around for a bit. Does someone more knowledgeable know if there are specific downsides between the Daisy 2 and the original that might require the upgrade?
Reynolds
Well-Known Member
Alright, I'll ask some questions then.
Would the Ketsurui perform this specific experiment to create these two specialized soldiers, when they already have all of the other Neko? I honestly don't know and hope someone who has been here longer can clarify if that sounds reasonable. The part about killing a general and several squads of soldiers as a test run also doesn't sound quite right.
I am fine with her being a specialized Neko, but becoming an "emotionless being of pure death" is pushing it for me. I also can't tell if she's supposed to be a cold loner sniper or a charismatic leader. I think if you could focus on her being trained/designed as an assassin and then transitioning into a leadership role after the war when she was asked to train others, that would seem more natural. Meeting her love during that time helps explain the transformation as well.
I don't like the somewhat over the top story of heroism in the middle. It seems heavily borrowed from a certain movie, which itself was referencing other movies and other soldiers. It's not a dealbreaker, but I would feel more comfortable if it was deemphasized somewhat.
I actually like the idea of her losing someone important to her and retiring for a while to recover, but I'm not so comfortable with her seeming to become entirely unhinged during that time. Down to having a bunch of swords named after her. It's a little creepy, and I would prefer it be toned down and less melodramatic. One twist that might help the story be even more sad, and tie into her leaving SA for a while, would be for Minagi's more recent backups to have been lost or accidentally destroyed. I don't think a Neko would make it two years or more without any backup at all, but having her brought back from before she met Yumi would be a way to twist the knife while staying a bit more plausible.
Eventually finding herself and deciding to return to service is fine. Do you have permission from @Dragonnova to use her character, though?
On the skills, there's again a weird back and forth from being trained to be a cool sniper and also somehow being created to be very empathic and a master of psychological interrogation and seduction. Again, I think it would be better to simplify her early life as a soldier who lightened up and gained leadership qualities later. If you want you specify that they *tried* to implant her with natural skills for gaining information and leading, but her early lack of personality caused this to backfire, then those instincts came to the surface once she had a few years of proper interaction and firsthand experience with people? I could go for that.
Hope this doesn't seem too nitpicky, I just see an interesting, complicated character in there, and it feels like you're trying a little too hard to make her 'cool' at times. Tone it down a bit, and the base you've built is pretty great. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
Would the Ketsurui perform this specific experiment to create these two specialized soldiers, when they already have all of the other Neko? I honestly don't know and hope someone who has been here longer can clarify if that sounds reasonable. The part about killing a general and several squads of soldiers as a test run also doesn't sound quite right.
I am fine with her being a specialized Neko, but becoming an "emotionless being of pure death" is pushing it for me. I also can't tell if she's supposed to be a cold loner sniper or a charismatic leader. I think if you could focus on her being trained/designed as an assassin and then transitioning into a leadership role after the war when she was asked to train others, that would seem more natural. Meeting her love during that time helps explain the transformation as well.
I don't like the somewhat over the top story of heroism in the middle. It seems heavily borrowed from a certain movie, which itself was referencing other movies and other soldiers. It's not a dealbreaker, but I would feel more comfortable if it was deemphasized somewhat.
I actually like the idea of her losing someone important to her and retiring for a while to recover, but I'm not so comfortable with her seeming to become entirely unhinged during that time. Down to having a bunch of swords named after her. It's a little creepy, and I would prefer it be toned down and less melodramatic. One twist that might help the story be even more sad, and tie into her leaving SA for a while, would be for Minagi's more recent backups to have been lost or accidentally destroyed. I don't think a Neko would make it two years or more without any backup at all, but having her brought back from before she met Yumi would be a way to twist the knife while staying a bit more plausible.
Eventually finding herself and deciding to return to service is fine. Do you have permission from @Dragonnova to use her character, though?
On the skills, there's again a weird back and forth from being trained to be a cool sniper and also somehow being created to be very empathic and a master of psychological interrogation and seduction. Again, I think it would be better to simplify her early life as a soldier who lightened up and gained leadership qualities later. If you want you specify that they *tried* to implant her with natural skills for gaining information and leading, but her early lack of personality caused this to backfire, then those instincts came to the surface once she had a few years of proper interaction and firsthand experience with people? I could go for that.
Hope this doesn't seem too nitpicky, I just see an interesting, complicated character in there, and it feels like you're trying a little too hard to make her 'cool' at times. Tone it down a bit, and the base you've built is pretty great. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
Dragonnova
Well-Known Member
Sure he does. I do a lot of character building short rps on the IRC. I am really not too picky about people mentioning it.
- I have rewritten the history and personality to fit a bit better in terms of explanation, the history and her 'grand battle' where she earned her Joto Heisho is less movie-ish and more literal army like. And she was not as bad ass in it and it was made more realistic.
- I'm not sure what you want me to do with my Skills, I mean from what I'm seeing you are telling me I can't be both a really awesome sniper and a interrogation expert...
- Better explained that the test she had to go through against her sister was a simulation, which I suppose I should've explained earlier.
- The Swords are Momento's so I would much prefer to keep them with their names in tact, creepiness or not, anyone would of become unhinged if brought with the same events she had to go through.
- Her history and personality reflect a more cheerful and jovial attitude when around friends, and a more focused, rather then emotionless, attitude towards missions. Figured that was better.
Reynolds
Well-Known Member
Thanks for clearing that up!
Took a look, and this history looks a lot better, and works great for me. Now that she's not tilted so much towards an emotionless assassination robot, the skills make much more sense. No problem with those now, with this take on the character.
If the swords are meant to be a reminder of her, and more like she's keeping Minagi close to fight with her or protect her or something, that's fine. I was just worried that you were going to literally be using them to kill for revenge in Minagi's name.
Only thing I notice now is you need to put in your rank and everything in the Finances section at the bottom.
Otherwise I'm fine with this, meets my approval once that bit is fixed.
If someone who knows better than I could confirm that the specifics of her creation are fine, I would appreciate it. If anyone can let me know if there's any problem sticking with the vintage Daisy over the Daisy 2, that would help, too. For that one I can read up myself once I have some more time, but an experienced opinion would be helpful.
@Wes @Kyle @Nashoba If you could answer the questions when you can 
And @Reynolds going to add some finer details nothing that majorly alters anything in the history since you approve of this version, just spell checking it and the like and explaining stuff a bit more in detail. I'll also fix the Finances Section.
@Abwehran Commander I was asked by @ShotJon to bring you into here to ask if the Abwehran language is capable of being learned by my character.
And @Reynolds going to add some finer details nothing that majorly alters anything in the history since you approve of this version, just spell checking it and the like and explaining stuff a bit more in detail. I'll also fix the Finances Section.
@Abwehran Commander I was asked by @ShotJon to bring you into here to ask if the Abwehran language is capable of being learned by my character.
The Decision about the Daisy is up to Wes.
The only issue I saw in the history was the last part. Where she was strapped for cash.
All citizens have access to some sort of decent housing. Generally this comes in the form of a Micro-apartment that provides living space and basic utilities like power, water, and network access.
The Living Allowance for Citizens of Yamatai (LACY), is primarily for food since housing is already covered. The amount was based on providing for three 10-KS meals a day (900 KS), plus an additional 100 KS for miscellaneous expenses.
The only issue I saw in the history was the last part. Where she was strapped for cash.
All citizens have access to some sort of decent housing. Generally this comes in the form of a Micro-apartment that provides living space and basic utilities like power, water, and network access.
The Living Allowance for Citizens of Yamatai (LACY), is primarily for food since housing is already covered. The amount was based on providing for three 10-KS meals a day (900 KS), plus an additional 100 KS for miscellaneous expenses.
Joto Heisho is the highest enlisted rank. As such, unless she's planning on going to an officer school, she should not expected to ever be promoted again. Are you okay with this? Also why such a high rank?
Languages: When/how did she learn Abwehran? The YSE, sadly, has very little relations with its neighbor (in the sense that we peacefully coexist and neither bothers the other, but there's not a lot of actual interaction).
In general, I'd like to avoid the use of the word assassin in the bio, as the Star Army of Yamatai doesn't actually have "assassins" per se.
Languages: When/how did she learn Abwehran? The YSE, sadly, has very little relations with its neighbor (in the sense that we peacefully coexist and neither bothers the other, but there's not a lot of actual interaction).
In general, I'd like to avoid the use of the word assassin in the bio, as the Star Army of Yamatai doesn't actually have "assassins" per se.
@Wes we discussed in PM that I was going to give her Joto Heisho over being an actual officer (Which was going to be even higher ranked then Joto Heisho), and you said that was alright, my reasoning for choosing Joto Heisho is because, as stated in PM, its the equivalent of person who inspired her IRL. If its an issue I can remove it. I also don't mind never being promoted again unless I go to officers school.
I can also remove Abwehran, Like I said I asked for The Commander to come here and see if she could learn it thats not an issue.
And I thought I removed the all of the Assassin words, I must've missed a few.
I can also remove Abwehran, Like I said I asked for The Commander to come here and see if she could learn it thats not an issue.
And I thought I removed the all of the Assassin words, I must've missed a few.
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