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Star Army

Star ArmyⓇ is a landmark of forum roleplaying. Opened in 2002, Star Army is like an internet clubhouse for people who love roleplaying, art, and worldbuilding. Anyone 18 or older may join for free. New members are welcome! Use the "Register" button below.

Note: This is a play-by-post RPG site. If you're looking for the tabletop miniatures wargame "5150: Star Army" instead, see Two Hour Wargames.

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  • 📅 December 2024 is YE 46.9 in the RP.

Approved Character [YSS Heartbreaker]

Let me just work my way through this from the top.

  • You need to set up a player page for yourself, that's where the red 'Revais' link should go to. You can see examples on other player pages on the wiki.
  • Might consider a placeholder picture for your profile. Should be a generic male human Star Army one you can use.
  • All of the things at the top of your profile should link to the relevant wiki article. Species, rank, etc. Rin's profile for an example.
  • Everyone needs to have some sort of distinguishing feature, even if it's relatively minor. A piece of jewelry they always wear, odd hair style...do they smile or frown too much, or carry themselves with confidence, or avoid eye contact? Something people would notice, it helps paint a picture of your character.
  • You may want to add something about his quest to be 'something more' to the Goals section. I think it makes sense to highlight it, at least.
  • You might want to link to the SA Common Skills in your Skill section, to cover some things you have missed, so you don't have to write them all out.
  • Also you might want to make your Medical section a bit more in depth if you are a Medic. Maybe add more about specialization, training, calling in emergencies, etc.
  • On the Heartbreaker we were set up with the new Mindy 3 so just update the link in your inventory to that. Also I like everyone to set up a little section in their profile with their current loadout, or a second page they link to. You don't have to set this up right now, but I'll probably ask about it once you use an armor in the RP. Again, Rin's page has a good example. Or here is one set up on a page by itself
  • I went ahead and changed the Wicked Arms Medical Kit to the standard SA kit.

The content of your background history seems fine. The only thing that catches my eye in particular is the focus on martial arts. The impression I am getting is that he is a 'jack of all trades, master of none' type. That he kept bouncing around to different schools to learn more, but never really mastered anything. You might want to focus on that idea and make it more clear, unless I'm off track. You might also want to remove the reference to JKD in his Skills section and stick with the 'patchwork' description, I think that seems closer to the feel the rest of the profile gives me.

The big one is, you need to split the history into two or three paragraphs, and go through and check for grammar and capitalization. You have a few too many commas, have some semicolons/colons in odd places, and forget to capitalize things like Star Army a few times. Missing a few periods as well. I think. Just give the whole history and your Skills and such a good combing through, please.
 
@Revais are you still working on this? If you need help with the wiki formatting stuff, or setting up the right links, let one of us know. Or ask in the chat, I'm sure people will be happy to assist.
 
@Reynolds , @paladinrpg , sorry about the wait, my internet was out for longer than I'd like. Comcast doesnt have the best customer service down here. I made my corrections, save for the image. I called in a favor with a friend of mine who's working on an image for me that I'll be adding to the page as soon as possible. Sorry for posting the original in such a hurry.
 
I fixed a few stray formatting and editing problems for you, but all of the other things I pointed out seem to be fixed. So, this is APPROVED, if @Wes can move it to the proper location. I'll get you added to the wiki page in a minute. You should definitely read up on the latest thread, the situation is a bit intense. I just made a GM post, so I can't give you a big intro right now. But, Carlos should be on the Heartbreaker still, in Medical with Cosima most likely. He would have transferred onto the ship via the Seisenkyo right before this mission started, so he's been around for everything in the current thread. Feel free to introduce yourself in the OOC and post in the main thread!
 
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