Firebrand
Inactive Member
Character Article URL: https://wiki.stararmy.com/doku.php?id=characters:yamatai:brian_p_jackson
Preferred Plot's GM: @Kyle
Preferred Plot's GM: @Kyle
Last edited by a moderator:
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Approved Character [YSS Ryujo] Brian P. Jackson
- Thread starter Firebrand
- Start date
One thing of note that was pointed out; is that it would be rather difficult for Brian to excell in all manners of swordsmenship when Yamatai doesn't have data on all of them, basically he'd only excel at those which he was trained for/to which the faction had full knowledge of however even that is a bit of a stretch. Best way to put would be that he excels in most known forms of swordsmenship.
I'll look over the rest in due time
I'll look over the rest in due time
Syaoran
Retired Staff
I glanced it over and think it should be noted that Yamatai's connection with the Abwehran star empire is not that long. Based on what I could find, it's 3 years. So learning their language and having the connections this character has with them when he got them seems difficult if not impossible.
Also, Humanities doesn't cover Public Speaking, or how Charismatic you are. You would be looking for Leadership on that one, Humanities is more the study of a human and the 'humanities'. While, for some reason it also includes Diplomacy... not entirely sure why, but it does. Leadership however covers how charismatic you are, as well as Public Speaking. That being said though, Leadership is a tough skill to start out with, and in the long run doesn't really effect your RP, so I mean, even without it you could still be a Charismatic little shit, and be decent at public speaking. Despite that, however, Humanities does not cover it, so I think Character Mod's would see that and ask for it to be changed to fit what it does cover.
Aendri
Inactive Member
I'd honestly cut back on the swordsmanship all around. In his age range, if he was a certified, one in a generation kind of genius, he MIGHT have mastered ONE style of martial art (and yes, swordfighting is a martial art). There's no way he would've mastered more than one, and even that one is unlikely, but it's arguably possible. It just takes time, and dedication, to actually learn any given style well, let alone multiple styles, and destreza and kenjutsu alone are so different in what they teach that those two would be nigh impossible to have reached any useful level in both at the same time. Maybe years down the road, but not any time soon. It would be like studying aikido and muay thai at the same time. Yes they're both martial arts, but the styles are so mutually contradictory as to make it nearly impossible to learn both simultaneously, let alone as fast as he would need to.
Now, on to the review for the character as a whole.
Fixed the justification on the height in your player card. Keep in mind, anything you put in a table needs to have the exact same number of spaces on either end to center, otherwise it goes to one side or the other.
On the physical side of things, he should be heavier. 212 is about a normal range for a physically fit person in that height range, let alone someone described as having a "hearty" build. For reference, a lot of body builders get remarks about being skinny when they're in the 200 range for that height, and muscle is smaller than fat.
First line in Personality needs to be reworked. You have the word is both before and after the separate identifier. Anytime you have something set apart with commas like that, the sentence should still read grammatically correct with it removed. Rest of the personality is a bit solid, even if he sounds like someone I wouldn't really like to know.
First line in the history repeats the word started for no apparent reason.
The last bit of the history just... doesn't feel right, to me. Who would care about the Reds, at this point? Most of them are Yamataian citizens, and the few who aren't, are pretty well scattered. That doesn't gel with the idea that someone is worried enough about them to be assassinating random business owners just because they might end up leading a group of Reds. Any political group anywhere would tell you that creating martyrs is the single worst way to prevent revolutions/uprisings ever, even if we leave aside the implications that somebody thought they'd be allowed to do something like that despite Nepleslia's attempts to be fairly inclusive and accepting. Unless there's something a lot more concrete than "they might organize people", I don't feel like that can fly.
For the skills... I'd like a really good explanation on why and how he's learned 3 fairly uncommon languages. Seraphim isn't used even between Elysians very often these days, at least out in public, the Lorath language he knows needs to be clarified (since they have several different languages), and Volksprache, similarly, isn't really a well known language, especially since the Abwehrans have only been moving about in the setting for a few years at this point. To go with this, could we get a bit of an explanation for how, why, and where he was "studying abroad" in Lor and Abwehr? I honestly wasn't aware of any exchange programs, and it's pretty uncommon for students to study in that many different locations in only 3-4 years of college as well, even ones who are specializing in foreign relations.
I know I already addressed the weapons thing a bit, but just to add on a little bit of personal experience for you... I fence. Have for a long time. I've tried all 3 primary weapons for traditional fencing (foil, epee, and saber), and can honestly tell you that all 3 are very, very different weapons, with very different styles and training. And that's just looking at traditional fencing. Dual wielding sabre fencing, though less common, is totally different from traditional sabre fencing, and different schools of fencing style all have their own techniques. There are very, very good reasons the good fencers don't get good with two different styles.
In the Knowledge skill, I'd use a different word in place of tenure. Tenure usually implies holding a position, not just taking part as a student. I'd also keep in mind that as things are written right now, you're going to need to spend a LOT of time digging into things to live up to how it's written. International Relations are not an easy subject to keep track of on a general scale, let alone being able to track political and diplomatic figures from multiple nations and maintain any real knowledge about them. Again, drawing from the real world, I can tell you I've been studying Political Science with a Foreign Area Studies focus for a while now, and it is far from the easiest thing in the world to get good at, especially if you have other things that would occupy a lot of your time (like becoming a good fencer).
In the Inventory, he would be issued a Mindy 3A, not an MCAS, for the Ryujo. He can easily fit into a 3A for the proper height range, is a rookie fighter, and a Santo Hei. The only time a MCAS would be issued would be for someone who can't use a standard armor, given those conditions. Down the road, he might earn the right to customize and build his own system, but at his rank and skill, he's basically walking in and asking to be issued a sniper rifle without even trying for his marksmanship qualifications, right out of boot camp.
Outside of there, everything looks good. The History and the skills are the only big parts that really need to be addressed. I'd recommend sitting down with @DocTomoe to discuss the Lorath stuff, for sure, especially the pheromone and the schooling, just because that's something that's never really been set out IC, so I'd like his input on that side of things if you want to keep them. Keep working at it, this character is still in progress.
Now, on to the review for the character as a whole.
Fixed the justification on the height in your player card. Keep in mind, anything you put in a table needs to have the exact same number of spaces on either end to center, otherwise it goes to one side or the other.
On the physical side of things, he should be heavier. 212 is about a normal range for a physically fit person in that height range, let alone someone described as having a "hearty" build. For reference, a lot of body builders get remarks about being skinny when they're in the 200 range for that height, and muscle is smaller than fat.
First line in Personality needs to be reworked. You have the word is both before and after the separate identifier. Anytime you have something set apart with commas like that, the sentence should still read grammatically correct with it removed. Rest of the personality is a bit solid, even if he sounds like someone I wouldn't really like to know.
First line in the history repeats the word started for no apparent reason.
The last bit of the history just... doesn't feel right, to me. Who would care about the Reds, at this point? Most of them are Yamataian citizens, and the few who aren't, are pretty well scattered. That doesn't gel with the idea that someone is worried enough about them to be assassinating random business owners just because they might end up leading a group of Reds. Any political group anywhere would tell you that creating martyrs is the single worst way to prevent revolutions/uprisings ever, even if we leave aside the implications that somebody thought they'd be allowed to do something like that despite Nepleslia's attempts to be fairly inclusive and accepting. Unless there's something a lot more concrete than "they might organize people", I don't feel like that can fly.
For the skills... I'd like a really good explanation on why and how he's learned 3 fairly uncommon languages. Seraphim isn't used even between Elysians very often these days, at least out in public, the Lorath language he knows needs to be clarified (since they have several different languages), and Volksprache, similarly, isn't really a well known language, especially since the Abwehrans have only been moving about in the setting for a few years at this point. To go with this, could we get a bit of an explanation for how, why, and where he was "studying abroad" in Lor and Abwehr? I honestly wasn't aware of any exchange programs, and it's pretty uncommon for students to study in that many different locations in only 3-4 years of college as well, even ones who are specializing in foreign relations.
I know I already addressed the weapons thing a bit, but just to add on a little bit of personal experience for you... I fence. Have for a long time. I've tried all 3 primary weapons for traditional fencing (foil, epee, and saber), and can honestly tell you that all 3 are very, very different weapons, with very different styles and training. And that's just looking at traditional fencing. Dual wielding sabre fencing, though less common, is totally different from traditional sabre fencing, and different schools of fencing style all have their own techniques. There are very, very good reasons the good fencers don't get good with two different styles.
In the Knowledge skill, I'd use a different word in place of tenure. Tenure usually implies holding a position, not just taking part as a student. I'd also keep in mind that as things are written right now, you're going to need to spend a LOT of time digging into things to live up to how it's written. International Relations are not an easy subject to keep track of on a general scale, let alone being able to track political and diplomatic figures from multiple nations and maintain any real knowledge about them. Again, drawing from the real world, I can tell you I've been studying Political Science with a Foreign Area Studies focus for a while now, and it is far from the easiest thing in the world to get good at, especially if you have other things that would occupy a lot of your time (like becoming a good fencer).
In the Inventory, he would be issued a Mindy 3A, not an MCAS, for the Ryujo. He can easily fit into a 3A for the proper height range, is a rookie fighter, and a Santo Hei. The only time a MCAS would be issued would be for someone who can't use a standard armor, given those conditions. Down the road, he might earn the right to customize and build his own system, but at his rank and skill, he's basically walking in and asking to be issued a sniper rifle without even trying for his marksmanship qualifications, right out of boot camp.
Outside of there, everything looks good. The History and the skills are the only big parts that really need to be addressed. I'd recommend sitting down with @DocTomoe to discuss the Lorath stuff, for sure, especially the pheromone and the schooling, just because that's something that's never really been set out IC, so I'd like his input on that side of things if you want to keep them. Keep working at it, this character is still in progress.
Syaoran
Retired Staff
I read over a bit more and also would like to point out two things not listed above. One for reference and the other for clarification. The reference is that, it should be noted, that a school would teach competitive swordsmanship as well. And while not useless, would be largely underpowered on a real battlefield, also traditional swordsmanship and power armor swordsmanship will be drastically different.
The clarification though is this supposed tradition of 'dueling scars' from the Abwehrans, I'd like to know what page that's from, cause I've never seen it before and the link is to a wikipedia page not one here.
The clarification though is this supposed tradition of 'dueling scars' from the Abwehrans, I'd like to know what page that's from, cause I've never seen it before and the link is to a wikipedia page not one here.
Firebrand
Inactive Member
The Dueling Scars thing is inspired by the German Academic Dueling tradition of gaining Dueling Scars. The Abwehrans are space germans, so...
Syaoran
Retired Staff
The Abwehrans aren't space Germans. Their language and naming is just similar to German. Their culture and traditions are very different. You can't go coming up with random traditions and deciding for yourself that it's something that represents that race.. And that kind of thing shouldn't be encouraged either. You can have a dueling scar and say it's from your club or something. But you can't say it's a tradition of a large, setting significant population.
Syaoran
Retired Staff
I don't have to be the FM to know that no where does it mention on the wiki that Abwehran's have a tradition of dueling scars. And it's also not and argument. You don't own the faction, you can't make changes to their tradition. That's just common sense. If you made a faction you wouldn't want people coming up with random traditions for it that could possibly be totally out of line with what you wanted, just because -they- thought it fit.
Anyway as for other things, it's not something that absolutely needs to change, but it's a vague point. Your character is from Nepleslia, which would make him normally part of DIoN but he joined SAoY, and there's no real mention of him moving. You might want to add a little sentence that clarifies that he moved to the YSE and became a citizen.
Anyway as for other things, it's not something that absolutely needs to change, but it's a vague point. Your character is from Nepleslia, which would make him normally part of DIoN but he joined SAoY, and there's no real mention of him moving. You might want to add a little sentence that clarifies that he moved to the YSE and became a citizen.
Aendri
Inactive Member
Just right off the bat, still on the college thing, have you had time to sit down and talk to Doc about the references to Lor? It's only in the last 2 years or so that they've really been especially friendly with Yamatai and the rest of the setting at large, so I just want to make sure it makes sense for him to have spent time studying on Lor.
I'd ask that you remove the last part of the last line of the history. It's a bit in bad taste, since it seems to imply he was way more ready for the position than most (despite the fact that nothing in his history indicates any preparation for something like that), and everyone receives the same fighting training in the SAoY, so you're basically saying he was better than the grand majority of a military that still has stupidly high numbers, the majority of whom were literally born to be soldiers, and trained as such from the day they were born.
In fighting, I'd actually expand on the knife fighting part of things. Since it's something he grew up with, it would stand to reason the training he would receive from the SAoY would only enhance the skills he had already, even if it's not something he's studied as extensively as destreza.
All that said, you look like you should be good to go. I'm going to ask Kyle to swing by and glance over it really quickly this evening, just to make sure I didn't miss something, but I'd expect you to be approved tonight.
I'd ask that you remove the last part of the last line of the history. It's a bit in bad taste, since it seems to imply he was way more ready for the position than most (despite the fact that nothing in his history indicates any preparation for something like that), and everyone receives the same fighting training in the SAoY, so you're basically saying he was better than the grand majority of a military that still has stupidly high numbers, the majority of whom were literally born to be soldiers, and trained as such from the day they were born.
In fighting, I'd actually expand on the knife fighting part of things. Since it's something he grew up with, it would stand to reason the training he would receive from the SAoY would only enhance the skills he had already, even if it's not something he's studied as extensively as destreza.
All that said, you look like you should be good to go. I'm going to ask Kyle to swing by and glance over it really quickly this evening, just to make sure I didn't miss something, but I'd expect you to be approved tonight.
